A big ass pizza roll.

Fyi…I’ve had a shitty day. But I still managed to pound out some good shit for dinner. And since I still can’t hone my inner Sophia Petrillo and figure out if the shit I made was a fucking calzone or Stromboli, imma have to name this shit myself. So…it’s Castro. Calzone + Stromboli = Castro (for you fucking math wizards). But honestly – this is like a big ass Jeno’s pizza roll. And I swear I could eat my fucking body weight in Jeno’s pizza rolls. God bless that man.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 doobie roll of sausage (that Jimmy Dean shit is what I’m talkin’ ‘bout)

Some dried basil and oregano (shit looks like pot. You know you agree with me)

Can of pizza dough (yes, you can make your own or buy the stuff from your bakery, but I have no idea how many fucking ounces you’ll need of this shit, so just buy the can)

Pepperoni (ummmmm, I used about 25 maybe? Just buy a pack and stuff some in your pie hole while you’re cooking. That’ll make about 42 you’ll need)

Marinara sauce (you won’t use a whole jar unless you’re a dipping whore like me. I dip my shit in everything. Chicken gets honey mustard, hot dogs get ketchup and pancakes get syrup)

Shredded Mozzarella Cheese (‘bout 1 ½ cups. But really, you’ll want to use a full two cups, which again is conveniently the same amount in those pre-shredded bags. Holy shit…I’m amazing)

One egg, beaten (it’s to make the egg wash)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 425. Brown up your sausage. When it’s almost done cooking, go ahead and season that shit with some dried basil and oregano. (Fucking love oregano. I think I’m almost Italian. Except that I have red hair, I’ve never had a tan and I say Ann-tan-a, instead of en-ten-na for the fucking rabbit ears on my aunts tv, but whatever).

Now you’ll want to drain the meat so that you’re only clogging one artery and adding cottage cheese to only one of your thighs this evening. Next, cover a baking sheet with aluminum foil and spray it down with Kitchen KY, aka non-stick spray. Pop open your can of dough (yes, I still freak the fuck out when opening those cans. Still scares the shit out of me) and lay it out on the baking sheet. Use your grubby ass hands to spread it out a little. Not too thin – don’t make holes in the shit. You’re not giving a Russian woman a massage; you’re just making a big ass pizza roll.

Then, lay your sausage, then your pepperoni, your sauce (not too much, ‘bout a cup will do) and then your cheese in the middle of the dough. Fold over the dough, pinch the edges so none of this goodness comes out and wash that dough with a beaten egg. Egg wash they call it. Then throw that shit in the oven for 15 minutes and BAM, your big ass pizza roll is complete. Serve with a salad or broccoli. You don’t really have to serve it with that – I’m just using that as a disclaimer that I think you should actually eat something healthy at dinner. Amen.

Enchiladas...redneck style

I haven’t one lick of Mexican in me. But I make bad ass enchiladas. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there’s a Mexican woman out there who will argue my point. But only if someone interprets this blog to her.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground beef (yup. There’s that pesky red meat again. I’m taking chances, but you can use ground turkey. I won’t tell anyone you don’t have balls.)

1 small onion, chopped

Half a green pepper chopped (I use the other half for the hubs eggs in the morning and that’s a post for a different day. My hubs is spoiled and he knows it.

(Also on this particular day, I added 1 cup of frozen corn. I did it that day because I felt like adding a vegetable only to find out that corn is a starch. Son of a...)

10 pack of tortillas (I use the burrito size. It holds more. Apparently so does my ass.)

Whipped cream cheese (yup. Cream cheese. Trust me.)

1 can of refried beans (go for the fat free if you want, but seriously? Who are you kidding if you’re making fucking enchiladas?)

1 can of red enchilada sauce

2 cups of Mexican blend shredded cheese (it has like, some taco seasoning or some shit in it. It makes a difference)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375. Sauté your onion and green pepper for about 2 minutes. And can I just say that I have no idea what the hell they mean by translucent. Doesn’t translucent mean “see through”? I’ve never been able to cook an onion and see though it. Whoever the dumbass is that came up with that term is probably the same one who said that childbirth is “uncomfortable”. I’ll get off my soapbox now.

So, after you’ve messed with your veggies, add your beef and cook until it’s done. Add ‘bout half a can of your enchilada sauce and a handful of your cheese (this is where you would add your corn if you're using it). Stir that shit around. And yes, you can eat a spoonful if you’d like. Now, take it off the burner and let’s assemble these little fuckers of goodness.

Spray a 9x13 pan with your non-stick spray. Warm up your torts in the microwave. I’m guessing that the reason you do this is so that they’re easier to wrap. I asked someone who worked at Taco Bell once. They had no fucking clue what I was talking about. But I think if you try to roll them while they’re room temp, they’ll crack. Someone correct me if I’m wrong. But I’m not wrong.

Lay out a tort, spread a little of your whipped cream cheese all over it. Now, smear a little of the refried beans on it. Add a heaping spoonful of the meat mixture and fold that shit like you’re the district manager of your local Taco fucking Bell. Repeat until your torts are gone and your pan is full. Then pour the rest of the enchilada sauce allllllll over and sprinkle the rest of the bad ass cheese all over. Bake this shit at 375 until it’s all bubbly and melty. Again, I’m not Mexican but I’m sure you can talk your way into buying a new dress that you saw at Anthropolgie with this meal. Worked for me! (Note to the hubs: Ummm, might not wanna use your Discover card for awhile. Just a suggestion)

OH! And serve with sour cream.

I'ma help a sista out and post some shit up in 'herrrrr today. (D2)

Ok so I will start this blog off with saying you're welcome and no I won't fucking marry you.

That will be what you want to call and tell me if you make this recipe I'm about to share with you all. Now, I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm a roundish lady, a thick girl, a chubby chica, etc... because I am. But I will tell you that I am 4 pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight (I have an 8 month old) and I've lost 15 pounds since re-joining weight watchers 2 months ago. Well, I'm willing to gain 6 pounds of that shit back by eating a slice of this fucking chocolate pie.


Chocolate Fucking Pie

Shit you're gonna need:

A bag of high quality semi sweet chocolate chips - I use Ghirardelli or whatever that shit is called. See, my 7-year old is a chocolate snob. Lil mamma won't eat anything but the good shit, Ghirardelli, lindt, Godiva, etc... you won't ever catch her ass eating a kit-kat. Apparently she's royalty, but don't hate on her. Anyway, regardless of what my daughter eats - you do need the good shit for this recipe so don't be cheap.
A ready-made graham cracker pie crust - You could also make one, but who's got that kind of fucking time? Not me.
2 eggs - got through my Costco eggs from February by the way, on to buying them by the dozen again - woot)
20 oz heavy whipping cream - I've seen some recipes call for "whipping cream" or "heavy cream" and some for "heavy whipping cream". Here's some useful information - all that shit is the same. I believe that the dairy farmers just sometimes call it something different to fuck with all of us. You know those dairy folk - sneaky lil fuckers.
2 tbsp vanilla


Shit you're gonna do:
Now I'll start by saying that if you need this pie for a BBQ that you're going to and you agreed to bring dessert because you're lazy (we all know that dessert is the easiest thing to contribute. You can be REALLY lazy and head to your local grocery store ON THE WAY there and pick up a sheet cake for $15 and you're the fucking hero who brought something sweet), make it in the AM because it needs like 4-6 hours to set in the fridge.

Take the fancy-pants semi sweet Ghirardelli chocolate chips and put them into a blender. Now don't get overzealous and turn it on dummy. Just put them in there and move on.
On the stove top, heat up in a sauce pan, your heavy whipping cream. Now, you must remember to not stick your burner on "high" or "10" or whatever setting means "scald this shit" on your particular stove. Milk + too much heat = curdle. So, heat it up slowly. Like on medium. Use a whisk and move it around so it doesn't get that nasty skin on the top, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Don't take your eyes off this shit, k? Once it starts to rumble like it wants to boil, remove it from the heat. Pour the hot cream (tee hee) into the blender that already has the chocolate chips in it and watch the magic happen. The chips will melt! Holy shit! Now turn the blender on and watch it become a yummy chocolate-y mixture. Throw in your eggs and vanilla and blend again. Congrats - we're almost done.

Now, this recipe will actually fill 2 pie crusts, I forgot to tell you that. So I hope you foreshadowed and bought 2 pie crusts. If you didn't, you can freeze this shit. Or you can just eat it out of the blender and we'll keep it between you and me.
<> Moving on.

Pour this chocolate goodness into a pie crust just to the almost top. Recover with the plastic lid that comes with the graham cracker crust that the Keebler people generously included in their packaging and put that shit in the fridge for like 4 hours. If you go to pick it up and you see the chocolate mixture move, stop being an inpatient fat-ass and leave it in there until it doesn't move.

This pie is yummy served alone or with its delicious partner-in-crime, whipped cream.


and I ain't got a picture.

Bad Ass Cuban – and I don’t mean Mark Cuban. Cuz he’s not really Cuban. And he’s not a bad ass. But Andy Garcia is.

I’m obviously not Cuban. I wish I were. Only so I could get a tan. But I gotta hand it to the Cubans, they make a bad ass sandwich. Can I get an Amen?? I used to eat these from 7-11 in college when my friend Dana and I were out and drunk as a skunk and starving at 2am. Remember that Dana? Remember when I’d use your I.D.? BAH! What a trip.

I recently saw an episode with Alton Brown how he made a bad ass pressed Cuban sandwich using bricks heated up in the oven. Ummmmm, yeah, I ain’t got time for that shit. I also don’t have a Panini press. Which is pretty damn surprising considering I have every kitchen gadget imaginable. But I digress. I had to make do with what I have. So, let’s go over this, shall we?

Shit you’re gonna need:

Cuban sandwich rolls (I couldn’t find those damn things so I used hoagie rolls that are hard on the outside, soft on the inside. Kind of like my ex-stepmother, but whatever)

Roasted Pork (I got mine from the deli. It said roasted ham, which is weird. But I guess pork IS ham. How fucking confusing.)

Provolone cheese

Flat dill sandwich pickles (you need the flat ones because you don’t want any bullshit pickle that’s gonna stand up and ruin the flatness of your sandwich)

Mustard (good ‘ol plain all American mustard. You know, ‘cause I’m sure Cubans use Heinz)

Butter (of course)

Iron skillet (if you don’t have one yet, just use whatever skillet you want

A heavy pot filled with water (you’ll use this to weigh down your samich)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Heat up your skillet with about 2 tablespoons of butta. While that’s melting, assemble your samich. I personally slice open the bread but not all the way. If shit’s gonna fall out, let’s just make it do that on only one side, k? I layer meat, two slices of cheese, two flat pickles and drizzle on the mustard. Yeah baby! I shut the sandwich and lay that effer in that melted butter.

THEN, get this, I put the pan of water on top of the sandwich. Uh huh. That’s right. This is what smushes it!! Once it’s crispy and buttery on one side, flip it over (add more butter if you think you need to clog yet another artery) and then lay that pot of water back on. After about two minutes I just slide the whole contraption off of the burner and let it sit there for about 4-5 minutes. This makes sure that I’m getting pretty close to those 2 am 7-11 cubans. ‘Cause that’s the goal here, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
After that shit is flat, do a pretty diagonal cut on that bitch and look at the gloriness you just created inside. Or, you can wrap this bad boy in aluminum foil, fill up a glass of sweet tea and deliver it to the hubs for lunch while he’s at work. This assures me that he won’t be pissed when he sees how much I spent at Target this week.

Bad ass if I do say so myself.

Lucille Balls

I’m a redhead, I made meatballs, so that’s the story behind the name. But boy do I love balls. Balls balls balls. Who doesn’t like a good ball? Meatball that is. Big, small, round…don’t matter, I’m in.

These are lazy ass meatballs. Because I’m lazy. No, I’m really not, but if you really are lazy, which I suspect that some of you are, these are the meatballs for you.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground beef (You can use turkey. But be a man, eat red meat. Although my friend Megan thinks I eat too much red meat. She’s just looking out for my arteries since I don’t and I love her for it)

2 cups of Stove Top stuffing (it’s actually a whole box, but I buy the shit in bulk, so I’ve got a can of it. Shit is good. And it’s got all those blessed seasonings already in it – again, this is for the lazy)

1 beaten egg

½ cup of creamy dressing (I used Thousand Island, but I typically use Ranch. Do not…I repeat, do not use Blue Cheese. It just doesn’t work right. I don’t know why because I’m not fucking Alton Brown, so just believe me)

1 cup of shredded cheese (I used sharp cheddar because the cottage cheese on my ass likes it. I don’t want to piss off my ass, because God knows it’ll get bigger just to spite the new bathing suit I bought)

Foil lined aluminum pan sprayed with non-stick spray

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375. The first tip I have for you is that I lay out my meat about 30 minutes before I make the balls. I do this because when I’m mixing this shit with my hands, I don’t feel like freezing my freakin’ hands off. Yes, I’m that fucking sensitive. So, mix your meat, stove top, egg, dressing and cheese all together. Don’t be a puss, dig your hands in there and mix that shit around. Squeeze it between your fingers and get it mixed reeeeaaaaal good. It’s invigorating. Just like eating chocolate the day after Lent is over because you decided like a dumb ass to give that shit up, (yes, Allston, that’s for you). I actually gave up chocolate last year for Lent. I think my friend Skye still shivers when she thinks of that horrendous month because I was NOT a happy fucking camper and she had to deal with my cranky ass the whole way through. At least I didn’t give up vodka. If that happened, the moon would loose its third rotation and fucking Mickey Mouse would actually talk like a man. Hell would break loose I tell ya’. And yes, hell on earth would be Mickey Mouse talking like James Earl Jones. Where the fuck was I? Oh, mixing the balls. Okay, so once your meat is thoroughly mixed, roll these bastards into little balls. My balls are perfect because I’m a fucking perfect person. Everything I do is absolutely right and I can never do wrong. And I think the hubs just pissed himself when he read that. Well dumb fucks, I’m not perfect. I use a measuring spoon. Each and every one of my balls is one tablespoon. They cook evenly and there’s no arguing in the oven between balls about who’s bigger and who looks more like a sack. I also smooth them over so there’s no cracks – because who the hell wants a cracked ball. Not me.

Now, this makes quite a few balls. You can cook the whole batch and freeze the ones you don’t think you’ll use, so when you don’t feel like getting your ass off the couch from reading your new Southern Living magazine, you can tell the hubs that it’s Columbus Day. You discover it. You eat it. And that’s all I have to say about that.

So, bake these bad boys for about 30-40 minutes until they’re done. You can use the bastards with marinara over noodles. You can put them in a meatball sub, or you can do what I did last night; you can make that bad ass sauce from Ikea and pour that shit all over them. Happy ball making people. That is all.