Tiny ass pan. It's the only thing "tiny" that I have.

I suck a big fat piece of ass when it comes to frying eggs.  I know what you're saying, "How can you write a cookbook but not know how to fry an egg?"  Well...shut up.  I'm not good at everything (just don't tell my kids.)  But while the Hubster and I were visiting Danielle (D2) in Virginia a few weeks back, she pulled out this fancy pan that cooks eggs perfectly.  While I've seen said pan in the store, I always thought, "That is such bullshit.  Why the hell would you buy that to fry just one egg."  After Danielle bitch slapped me, she showed me how it worked and I couldn't have been more thankful than when we went behind my mother's back and she showed me how to shave my legs at 12 years old.  And yes, that was living on the edge back in the 80's.  Fucking rebels.

So, I used the pan for the first time this morning.  (Sidebar: Hubster has no idea I have purchased said pan until he reads this post.  Again, I'm a fucking rebel I tell ya.)

It was extremely easy to use - easy to flip the the egg (as long as you use Kitchen KY with it) - and most definitely easy to slide that bitch right on top of a semi-completed breakfast sandwich.  So, while I'm not an advocate for buying shit that you won't use more than once a year or that you can only use for one thing, I highly recommend this tiny ass $5 pan.

EVERYTHING PUMPKIN!

God Bless America.  I love pumpkin flavored anything.  Which is COMPLETELY opposite of Danielle (D2) - she hates pumpkin...and cinnamon...and birds...and assholes.  But me?  I'm the Bubba Gump of the pumpkin world.  Pumpkin bread, pumpkin soup, pumpkin french toast, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin fluff dip...you get the picture.  So, when I came across pumpkin spice marshmallows, you bet your ass I rushed home to make rice krispy treats with them.  Hooooooooly shit.  Winner!  Those little bastards got devoured in less time than it takes for a hooker to notice a Mercedes on her block.

Shit you're gonna need:
1 bag of pumpkin spicemallows (spicemallows...ha!  Nice marketing there, Kraft)
3 tablespoons of butter (and extra...you'll see why - keep your BVD's on.)
5 cups of Rice Krisipies, or Crispy Rice, or whatever resembles a snap, crackle, pop
Kitchen KY (non stick cooking spray)
9x9 pan (If you want thicker treats, use an 8x8 pan.  I don't like to use 9x13 because they come out too thin.  Thin is never good.  Can I get an amen, ladies?)

Shit you're gonna do:
Melt your three tablespoons of butter in a large saucepan over medium heat.  A pan big enough that you'd probably make chili in.  Not gigantic, but roomy.  Once they're allllllllmost completely melted, add in your pumpkin mallows.  Please, ya'll, don't eat any.  I know it's tempting, but it really will fuck up your measurements.  We like to GET fucked up - not fuck things up.

Once your mallows and butter are melted together, remove your pan from the heat and stir in your rice krispies.  Here's a little tricky poo that I like to do when I'm stirring these...I like to spray both sides of the spatula with a little kitchen ky to keep things from sticking.  If you've ever made these before, you know that once that spatula hits the mallows and the rice krispies it makes one big clump while you're trying to stir.  No bueno.

Spray down the pan that you'll be using so they're easier to get out once they cool.  Trust me on this one - AND it makes it easier to clean.  Unless you're like me where you're all "Oh, I'll just leave these to soak overnight." which means "I'm a lazy asshole and don't feel like washing dishes."

Now that your pan is sprayed down and your mix is all stirred and combined, dump the mix into the pan.  Here's another trick up my sleeve.  It's pretty fucking hard to get the treats flat and tightly pressed using your hands, yes?  So, I take the back of a large spoon and rub it in butter and then use that to press down the rice krispies into the pan.  You'll have to keep going back for more butter - but more butter never hurt anyone, right?  Right.  Also, that butter will melt down into your treats for a little added flavor.  Leave it to me to find a way to put more butter into something.

This is before I use the spoon...

And this is after.  See?  Nice and flat and even.  Bravo!

Now, let them cool, cut one out for your husband and THEN ask for a new pair of Tory Burch ballet flats.  He won't say no.

BACON and scallops

Scallops.  Fucking gross.  Well, that’s what I used to say.  Actually, when offered I would say “Um. No thanks; it’s a ‘texture’ thing. You understand? Yes?”  I was such an asshole.  I’d never even tried one. Until I met the Hubster.  He took me to dinner one night when we were first dating and he ordered mussels and scallops as an appetizer.  Omg.  I almost died.  Mussels looked like the skin flab of raw chicken and the scallops, omg.  What was I gonna do?  Well, I wanted to get laid, so I popped those fuckers in my pie hole and took a chance (and omg, my dad just read that.)  And guess what my bitches?  I LOVED ‘em.  I mean, I think I ordered a meal with them in it.  So. Freaking. Good.  And the rest is history.

So, the Hubster and I decided to grill our own and here’s the story (cue dramatic music here.)

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 lb. of Scallops (We used the ones that are in the frozen food section that you thaw out in the bag.  But don’t be shaking a judgmental finger at me; I don’t judge you when you use turkey meat instead of ground round because your balls haven’t dropped yet, so get over it.)

½ pound of bacon (We used the thick, center cut bacon.  I think the other shit just falls apart too easily.  And let’s just be honest here, ladies – thicker is better.  Always.  Can I get an amen?)

Soy sauce (You can see below that we used the low sodium stuff.  It wasn’t by choice; I guess I just picked the wrong bottle when I bought it.  I’m not necessarily concerned about my sodium intake.  What I SHOULD be concerned with is the size of my liver.  But moving on…)

Toothpicks (You could also use a skewer and get about four or five on and make it easier to turn them on the grill.  But of course we didn’t think about that until AFTERwards.  Ain’t THAT some shit.  But, if you do end up using skewers and they’re the wooden/bamboo, make sure you soak them in water for about an hour before you use them.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

You’ll need to cut the bacon lengthwise because the bacon is too wide for height of the scallop.  So, you’ll be able to use one piece of bacon for two scallops.  Make sense?  Gawd, I hope so.

Once the bacon is cut, you’ll just wrap the bacon around the scallop and secure with a toothpick.  Or if you’re a bad ass and using the skewer, slide about four or five of those bitches on.

Put them all in a dish that and cover with the soy sauce until they're about covered about half way up. 

Sprinkle with pepper on both sides.  You don't need salt because the soy sauce and bacon have puh-lenty of salt in them.

Let these bad boys marinade for about 10-15 minutes while you go preheat your grill.  "The soy sauce penetrates quickly." says the Hubster.  Nice, honey.  Nice.

"Honey?  How long did you grill these for?"  "I don't know.  Look at the pictures.  When they look like THAT and they're firm to the touch, they're done."  ('bout 2 to 3 minutes per side)

Hooooooly shit.  Yessssssss.   Now, shovel in your pie hole.  You're welcome.

Rice and Beans for Honkies

Attention white people - I have faith in you.

(disclaimer/disclosure - if you are offended by my silliness in discussing different races in this blog posting, please know that I'm totally kidding around. If you must submit a complaint please send it to lightenthefuckup@gmail.com)

I have to give you the courage and props now so that you'll even try this recipe. In all fairness, I'm 1/2 honkey, and not Puerto Rican at all--- and I can cook the shit out of some rice and beans. If I can do it, you can do it! You can also visit the Latino food aisle in the grocery store and not feel like you don't belong since you're a blonde. During this recipe, we're going to raid those Goya shelves like we were born in the Caribbean - ole'! 

For our veteran readers, or folks that know us personally - Delaina and Danielle are a match made in fucked up racial heaven. As Delaina once called out, she's the token gringa at Danielle's family get togethers and Delaina's family thinks that Danielle is that "sweet Mexican girl from middle school".

And so, that brings us to today. We're all going to channel our inner Puertorriqueños, and make a dish with fun ingredients like "sofrito" and "habichuelas rosadas". You'll finally have something in common with Sofia Vergara besides the fact that you're both humans. Unless you have fantastic jugs like Sofia, in that case - get off this blog and head directly to a bar to get free drinks. AmIRight, ladies? 

Shit your're gonna need:

• 1 can of Goya pink beans (aka habichuelas rosadas)
• 3/4 can of Goya tomato sauce (the little cute can, I don't know how many ounces)
• 2 tablespoons of Goya Sofrito
• 2 packets of Goya Sazon (con culantro y achiote) 
• A few shakes of Goya Adobo seasoning 
• a handful of some sort of pork product, cubed up - like a few ham slices, a couple of pieces of Canadian bacon, or some salted pork. I don't recommend using bacon. I know, BLASPHEMY!
• Teaspoon of minced garlic
• Some vegetable oil
• 1 1/2 cups of white rice 
• A big pot with a lid

Ok, here are some pictures to help you go shopping; 

 Shit you're gonna do:

First, put on some Salsa music - this will guarantee the amazing turnout of your rice and beans, pinky swear. And I don't mean some cheeseballs like Marc Anthony or Ricky Martin. I mean create a new Pandora station called "El Preso" radio and shake what your momma may not have given you. (You're welcome)

Ok, back to cooking. In a large pot, heat up some oil on medium heat and throw the sofrito and minced garlic up in there. Once it's cooked up a bit, throw in your pork product of choice and let that cook up. Shake on the adobo seasoning, and open up a packet of that Goya sazon and shake that in there as well. If your house smells like your friend Alejandra's abuela's house - you're doing this all right so far. 

Now, pour in the tomato sauce - about 3/4 of the can. I've never measured this, but if I can eyeball it so can you. Don't put the whole can in there, it'll make your dish suck. Trust me, I made that mistake once. Now pour in your can of pink beans - sludge in the can and all. 

Stir that all up and leave that on the stove to cook up for like 5-8 minutes. 

Here's where a big decision comes in - make the rice in beans in one whole pot, or make them separately. If your balls haven't dropped yet - you're basically done. Make white rice in another pot and when it's done, pour the bean mixture over it - voila!

If you've joined the ranks of being a full grown grown-up, make them together in the same pot. There's a chance that you won't get the rice to water ratio correct and you'll end up with mushy rice. If that happens, don't blame me - I didn't say I could teach you everything. 

Take that empty can that once had beans in it and fill that sucker up with uncooked white rice and pour it into the pot. Then fill that can up with water and pour that in the pot. This should be plenty of water since there is already liquid in bean mixture. If your mixture doesn't look orange enough, throw that other packet of Goya sazon in there. 

Bring to a boil, then lower the heat to low and cover that ish up. Let cook for like 25 minutes or whatever. 

If you do it right, it will look like this. 

If it looks like this, expect your honorary Latino card in the mail in 4-6 weeks. 

¡Buen provecho!

American Pie

Well, holy shit - I made an apple pie this past weekend and I actually ATE A PIECE. How 'bout that?

The reason that this is so surprising is that a)I don't eat cinnamon and b) I don't eat cooked fruit. But you know what, this apple pie smelt that fucking good that I had to try a little piece. Don't get all judgmental on me and be like, "oh.em.gee D2, who doesn't like apple pie? That's UN-American of you!" Yeah, yeah - I know.

So I took my chillens and one of my besties to an apple orchard (and pumpkin patch) last weekend to pick actual apples off actual trees. You know, I bitch and moan about the winter here in Va and swear that I'm moving south to cuddle with D1 the rest of my life - but the beautiful scenery of the Shenandoah mountains is nothing shy of breathtaking.

I wish you could actually see the mountains, but it was foggy. Sowwy.

So anywho... we picked some apples after I made these girls haul this big ass wagon up a muddy hill.

And I found some apples, while being adorable (and modest). 

Three hours from when I picked those apples, they were cooked in a pie and gobbled up. That's how I roll!

Shit you're gonna need: 

• Apples. Now, you don't have to pick yours from an orchard, keep your panties on. You can pick some up at your local grocery store and save yourself the gas money. If you're going to make 1 pie, you need the equivalent to about 5 cups of cut up apples. This is about 4 medium-sized apples. 
• 1/2 cup of sugar, the regular stuff
• 1/2 tsp of cinnamon (blech)
• 1/4 cup of regular white flour
• 1/2 tsp of nutmeg (cinnamon's nasty little cousin)
• 1/8 tsp of sale
• 4 TSP of butter - the good, real shit.
• 2 store bought pie crusts (the kind you cook, not a graham cracker one). Don't you judge me for not making my own pie crust! 
• Vanilla ice cream - like duh.
• 
  

Shit you're gonna do: 

Ok, so . First things first. Heat your oven to like 350, or whatever the package of the store-bought pie crust says. And pop that pie crust in there for like 5 minutes. 

Peel your apples and then slice them up like Dexter does his victims - but don't drop them off of your boat. Just stick them in a big mixing bowl. 

Next, in a smaller bowl mix all the other ingredients except the butter and mix it until blended. Then take your mixture and throw it in the bowl with your sliced up apples, and then toss that around until they are well coated. See how easy this is? Maybe I shouldn't have written this recipe up, folks will know how incredibly easy peasy Japanesy it is to make an apple pie and I'm less of a cooking goddess than I pretend to be. 

After your apples are all coated, throw those bad boys into the pie crust that you remembered to take out of the oven. Put your butter in a microwave-safe bowl and melt it. When it's all soupy and hot, pour that melted butter all over the apple mixture. Now here's the cute part. Apple pies need a crust lid. I took the other pie crust that I had purchased and rolled it out using my rolling pin and flour and then cut it up to make a criss-cross on top of my pie. You can juts put the whole thing on top, or any fancy cut-up design you want - whatever gets you going. Just remember that if you place the entire other pie crust on top, cut some holes in there so the apples can breath, poor things. 

And then, just like Kelly Bundy said back in 1989, "VI-OLA" --- your pie is ready. Stick that puppy in the oven for like 15 minutes (ish, keep your eye on it because your oven is different than mine). After it's brown and gooey and yummy, take it out and slice it up. Don't let it cool for too long or the vanilla ice cream that you're gonna a-la-mode-it up with won't melt on top. 

I made three apple pies that day because my kids picked 194 fucking apples. So many, that I also made some homemade apple sauce. That's a recipe for another day though. 

Ps - Apple pie goes great with wine. Just sayin'.