Tramp Scampi

Tramp, because I used frozen, pre-cooked shrimp which is easy. Like a tramp. Scampi, because well, it’s scampi. Brilliant.

This was so fucking easy. It’s baked so you’re not standing over the stove with one hand stirring the shit while the other is holding your wine. You now have both hands free to keep filling your glass. You’re welcome.

Shit you’re gonna need:

16 oz. of frozen pre-cooked shrimp that’s been thawed (I’ll say it again, thaw the little bitches first. My shit was also sale for $4. Holla!)

½ cup of butter (it’s a full stick there genius)

2 tbs of Dijon mustard (I used generic because I’m still a redneck at heart and I refuse to pay full price for Grey Poupon. And what kind of name is Grey fucking Poupon. Shitty marketing department if you ask me.)

1 tbs. of lemon juice (I used the shit that’s in that little squeezy bottle that looks like a lemon. I don’t keep fresh lemons on hand. Only limes…and I think you can figure out why.)

2 cloves of crushed garlic (I used the jarred kind because I wanted my little crushes to be symmetrically perfect. Can’t get that when you’re chopping the shit yourself and you’ve had a glass of wine. Don’t ask how many times I’ve tried. It’s embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as having your son’s baseball coach seeing you in your robe with wet hair while you run out to the driveway with Tupperware in your hand yelling at your husband who’s pulling out of the driveway that he left his lunch. The guy actually waved. Ugh.)

1 tbs of parsley (Yup. I used dried. And dried is fine. You’re not on fucking Iron Chef, so calm yourself there Morimoto.)

½ tbs of Old Bay (ahhhh, good ‘ol Old Bay. Fucking genius came up with that shit. Or maybe it was Jesus. Because it’s that fucking perfect.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 450. Imma throw a tidbit in here for ya’…I put my scampi over spaghetti noodles, so if you’d like to do that, start boiling your water now and get those noodles cookin’.

Use your Kitchen KY (aka, non stick cooking spray) and spray down a 9x13 pan. Put in your shrimp and slide those bitches over cuz we ‘bout to make the sauce.

Melt in a saucepan your butter, your Dijon, the lemon juice, garlic, parsley and old bay. Basically all your shit except the shrimp. Once it’s melted, pour it over your shrimp and since the shrimp is already cooked, just bake it for about 10 minutes so it doesn’t get tough. You’re just heating it up. Then put your shrimp on your noodles, pour some of the sauce on it and voila mother fucker – you’re done!!! (insert sound of our wine glasses clinking together) Cheers!

My kids won't eat shit. Part Quatro

Chicken, Brocolli, Cheese and Rice

The hubs caught the cold I had. Oooooops. That's what happens when you make out with someone. Thought I’d share.

So, with this cold, he requested chicken and rice. But I thought, “…that’s fucking boring.” Kinda like watching the Suite Life of Zak and Cody. Fucking dumbass show. Those twins should’ve stopped at Big Daddy. But anyhoo…

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 cooked and shredded chicken breasts. (I like breasts. Double meaning there.)

¾ of a bag of frozen broccoli, cooked and put aside

2 cups of cooked rice. I mean, I used 2 cups of rice and then cooked it. Who the hell knows how much it actually made. I also used the quick boil shit. Don’t judge.

4 tablespoons of butter

4 tablespoons of flour

‘bout 3 cups of milk

‘bout 3 cups of cheese

Salt to taste. (In my house, that means a shit load of salt.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Since you’ve already cooked and shredded your chicken and cooked your broccoli and your rice, all your lazy ass has to do now is make your cheese sauce and throw this shit together.

I’ve posted homemade cheese sauce before, but because I know you’re probably just as lazy as I am and you don’t wanna be diggin’ through shit to find the recipe, let’s just go over it again, shall we?

I cooked this in my dutch oven pot. But a big stockpot will do you good. Something you’d make chili in. Melt your butter in your pot and when it’s pretty much all melted, put in your flour. Now, flour tastes like shit, so you’re gonna need to cook this with the butter for about a minute to get that shitty raw flour taste out. Don’t get your panties in a wad when it gets a little clumpy, kinda like mascara on a walk of shame; it’s supposed to do that.

The reason I said “bout 3 cups of milk” is because I eyeball this shit. I start by adding about a cup of milk at a time and then whisk the hell out of it. Keep adding milk until you get the consistency you want. Start adding handfuls of cheese until the “cheesy” flavor your arteries desire is accomplished. Keep whisking and adding milk if you like more cream (again, double meaning there) and then this is where the salt comes in.

In this house, salt means love. I don’t typically salt food too much when I’m cooking. Because I feel it’s the person’s responsibility who’s eating your shit to clog their own arteries. Also, the desired level of salty goodness is as individual as your ability to pull off a pencil skirt versus an a-line to cover up your gut. But whatever.

Once your cheese sauce is perfect, because with my help, I know you nailed this, put in your chicken, broccoli, and rice and stir. It makes a shitload. And in this case, shitload means “it feeds 6-8”.

If you’re a badass, try this with it…pour your shit in a 9x13, put breadcrumbs and cheese on top and bake at 350 for about 30 minutes. You can also cover your 9x13 and stick it in the freezer to cook later. Now, there’s three options for you…don’t tell me I don’t care…cuz deep down in the bottom of the hooker heels I bought last night, I do.