The Eskimo Sister

Back before the hubs (which is now the ex-hubs) was dating me, there was this girl; and we’ll refer to her as “Sprite”. She knows why, hehe. Well, since the hubs and I are now exes, Sprite and I have become friends. I assure you that’s a way longer story than I care to tell, but she’s pretty bad ass. This recipe is dedicated and named after her. Since she dated the ex-hubs before me, she is considered my “Eskimo sister”. Look that slang shit up. I had no idea about this fucking gross ass term and guess who told it to me? The ex-hubs. Moving on…

Shit you’re gonna need:

30 oreo cookies (use generic. I even use the gluten free oreos and it works fine)

1 stick of butter, melted (I know you’re shocked I’m using butter and I’m sure your butt cheeks puckered)

8oz of softened cream cheese (just a reminder: take your finger and poke it into the fattest part of your thigh and that’s what your cream cheese should feel like when it’s softened)

1 cup of powdered sugar

1 cup of frozen cool-whip (don’t use the generic. You know I’m a cheap ass, but trust me, don’t skimp on this shit. It’s like…$0.30 extra. I’ll make a list one day of the name brand stuff I use because I assure you, that list is really fucking small. Just like this date I once went on…)

3 oz. package of chocolate instant pudding

2 cups milk (the package recommends two cups, but honestly, I like my things a bit on the “stiff” side, so I use 1 ½ cups…teehee)

The rest of the cool whip

Shit you’re gonna do:

You’re gonna need to crush those cookies and you have a few choices on how to accomplish that. You could put them in a Ziploc bag and beat them like a pissed crack whore at taco bell (the boyfriend witnessed an “incident” at taco bell where a crack whore was a little too passionate about her fucking burritos and that’s where that term came from…true story). Or you could take those cookies and get out your $350 food processor that you never use and cuss out your sink that it’s too small for shit like that to fit for cleaning or better yet, you could crush them in eight batches in a small food chopper, like I did.

Once they’re chopped, pour in your butter, mix and then press that shit into a 9x13 pan. Stick this in the freezer while you’re working on the rest of this shit. It’s got a few fucking steps. It’s worth it. Just like kegel exercises, it’ll help.

Now mix together your softened cream cheese, the powdered sugar and, your cup of expensive ass cool whhhhip. (Anyone ever see that episode of Family Guy where Stewie emphasizes the “h” in cool whhhhhip? Funny shit right there.)
It’s all mixed, now take out your crust and pour this shit on top. It’s going to have the consistency of marshmallow fluff. And yes, it’s gonna stick to the bowl you mixed it in. Just warning you before you start cussing me out when you’re doing the dishes. But when you’re spreading this, go easy. The crust isn’t firmly set. And well…it’s much easier to work with a firm set. Can I get an “amen”? Word.

Stick this shit in the fridge and let’s make the pudding. I swear to the belly of Buddha, I talk like Bill Cosby every fucking time I make pudding. I can’t help myself. Just like when Barry Manilow comes on the radio, I can’t help but sing at the top of my fucking lungs. Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got kicked out of a Barry Manilow concert? If I didn’t, make sure you comment below so I can write that up. It’s one hell of a story. Where were we? Oh yeah. Pudding. Whisk the pudding mix and the milk together for about two minutes and then pour over the cream cheese mixture. Now your hungry ass is gonna have to sit for an hour and let it set in the fridge. I know. It sucks like a fucking hoover, but trust me, again, it’s worth it. But not like the last episode of Newhart, where you'll end up saying, “What the fuck? A damn dream? Fuck you, writers of the show. Assholes.” Sorry, I’m just a little bitter about THAT and the ending of Dallas. I’ll probably get over it in the year 2018. Check back then. You WILL be thankful you waited for this dessert though.
So, once this is set, spread over the top the rest of your cool whhhhip and dig in. I wouldn’t recommend getting a bowl because you will shovel this shit straight from the pan right into your pie hole. Love you all!