Friday, September 2, 2011

Chicken Bog

Conversation between myself and the woman who birthed me and never lets me forget how much it hurt…

“Mom, what the hell does ‘bog’ mean in chicken bog.” “Well, it means thick, dense, heavy, weighs you down…kinda like a man.” Oooooookay.

Paula Deen has a version of this. Mine’s easier. No offense to the Butter Goddess…bitch is a genius, but I got this shit down.

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 chicken breasts (I’m sure three breasts are better than two. Ask a man.)

1 of those horse shoe shaped sausage thingys (I use beef flavored. I like beef. But you knew that.)

1 stick of butter (hells yeah)

Lawry’s (Like, a teaspoon maybe? Shit, I don’t know.)

2 chicken bouillon cubes (Just like Worcestershire, I have no fucking idea how to say “bouillon”. Is it boo-yawn? Fuck. Who cares.)

4 cups of instant white rice (Instant. Like the shit that cooks in 5 minutes.)


Stock pot

Shit you’re gonna do:

Cover your breasts with about four inches of water. Think of the times you’re soaking in the bathtub. You don’t want your nibbles popping out and getting cold, so make sure they’re good and covered. (Cold nipples…no bueno). Put the lid on and start bringing it to a boil. Add your stick of butter, Lawry’s and boo-yawn cubes. While this is boiling, cut up your sausage in about ¼ inch slices, then cube those into quarters. For those of you who are members of MENSA, that means four. Once it comes to a boil, take the lid off and let all that shit get to know each other for like, an hour or so.

Take out your breasts, add your rice, put the lid on and then shred the chicken. It’ll take about oh, five minutes. Add back your chicken, stir and stuff your pie hole. Amen.

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