American Pie

Well, holy shit - I made an apple pie this past weekend and I actually ATE A PIECE. How 'bout that?

The reason that this is so surprising is that a)I don't eat cinnamon and b) I don't eat cooked fruit. But you know what, this apple pie smelt that fucking good that I had to try a little piece. Don't get all judgmental on me and be like, "oh.em.gee D2, who doesn't like apple pie? That's UN-American of you!" Yeah, yeah - I know.

So I took my chillens and one of my besties to an apple orchard (and pumpkin patch) last weekend to pick actual apples off actual trees. You know, I bitch and moan about the winter here in Va and swear that I'm moving south to cuddle with D1 the rest of my life - but the beautiful scenery of the Shenandoah mountains is nothing shy of breathtaking.

I wish you could actually see the mountains, but it was foggy. Sowwy.

So anywho... we picked some apples after I made these girls haul this big ass wagon up a muddy hill.

And I found some apples, while being adorable (and modest). 

Three hours from when I picked those apples, they were cooked in a pie and gobbled up. That's how I roll!

Shit you're gonna need: 

• Apples. Now, you don't have to pick yours from an orchard, keep your panties on. You can pick some up at your local grocery store and save yourself the gas money. If you're going to make 1 pie, you need the equivalent to about 5 cups of cut up apples. This is about 4 medium-sized apples. 
• 1/2 cup of sugar, the regular stuff
• 1/2 tsp of cinnamon (blech)
• 1/4 cup of regular white flour
• 1/2 tsp of nutmeg (cinnamon's nasty little cousin)
• 1/8 tsp of sale
• 4 TSP of butter - the good, real shit.
• 2 store bought pie crusts (the kind you cook, not a graham cracker one). Don't you judge me for not making my own pie crust! 
• Vanilla ice cream - like duh.
• 
  

Shit you're gonna do: 

Ok, so . First things first. Heat your oven to like 350, or whatever the package of the store-bought pie crust says. And pop that pie crust in there for like 5 minutes. 

Peel your apples and then slice them up like Dexter does his victims - but don't drop them off of your boat. Just stick them in a big mixing bowl. 

Next, in a smaller bowl mix all the other ingredients except the butter and mix it until blended. Then take your mixture and throw it in the bowl with your sliced up apples, and then toss that around until they are well coated. See how easy this is? Maybe I shouldn't have written this recipe up, folks will know how incredibly easy peasy Japanesy it is to make an apple pie and I'm less of a cooking goddess than I pretend to be. 

After your apples are all coated, throw those bad boys into the pie crust that you remembered to take out of the oven. Put your butter in a microwave-safe bowl and melt it. When it's all soupy and hot, pour that melted butter all over the apple mixture. Now here's the cute part. Apple pies need a crust lid. I took the other pie crust that I had purchased and rolled it out using my rolling pin and flour and then cut it up to make a criss-cross on top of my pie. You can juts put the whole thing on top, or any fancy cut-up design you want - whatever gets you going. Just remember that if you place the entire other pie crust on top, cut some holes in there so the apples can breath, poor things. 

And then, just like Kelly Bundy said back in 1989, "VI-OLA" --- your pie is ready. Stick that puppy in the oven for like 15 minutes (ish, keep your eye on it because your oven is different than mine). After it's brown and gooey and yummy, take it out and slice it up. Don't let it cool for too long or the vanilla ice cream that you're gonna a-la-mode-it up with won't melt on top. 

I made three apple pies that day because my kids picked 194 fucking apples. So many, that I also made some homemade apple sauce. That's a recipe for another day though. 

Ps - Apple pie goes great with wine. Just sayin'.