American Pie

Well, holy shit - I made an apple pie this past weekend and I actually ATE A PIECE. How 'bout that?

The reason that this is so surprising is that a)I don't eat cinnamon and b) I don't eat cooked fruit. But you know what, this apple pie smelt that fucking good that I had to try a little piece. Don't get all judgmental on me and be like, "oh.em.gee D2, who doesn't like apple pie? That's UN-American of you!" Yeah, yeah - I know.

So I took my chillens and one of my besties to an apple orchard (and pumpkin patch) last weekend to pick actual apples off actual trees. You know, I bitch and moan about the winter here in Va and swear that I'm moving south to cuddle with D1 the rest of my life - but the beautiful scenery of the Shenandoah mountains is nothing shy of breathtaking.

I wish you could actually see the mountains, but it was foggy. Sowwy.

So anywho... we picked some apples after I made these girls haul this big ass wagon up a muddy hill.

And I found some apples, while being adorable (and modest). 

Three hours from when I picked those apples, they were cooked in a pie and gobbled up. That's how I roll!

Shit you're gonna need: 

• Apples. Now, you don't have to pick yours from an orchard, keep your panties on. You can pick some up at your local grocery store and save yourself the gas money. If you're going to make 1 pie, you need the equivalent to about 5 cups of cut up apples. This is about 4 medium-sized apples. 
• 1/2 cup of sugar, the regular stuff
• 1/2 tsp of cinnamon (blech)
• 1/4 cup of regular white flour
• 1/2 tsp of nutmeg (cinnamon's nasty little cousin)
• 1/8 tsp of sale
• 4 TSP of butter - the good, real shit.
• 2 store bought pie crusts (the kind you cook, not a graham cracker one). Don't you judge me for not making my own pie crust! 
• Vanilla ice cream - like duh.
• 
  

Shit you're gonna do: 

Ok, so . First things first. Heat your oven to like 350, or whatever the package of the store-bought pie crust says. And pop that pie crust in there for like 5 minutes. 

Peel your apples and then slice them up like Dexter does his victims - but don't drop them off of your boat. Just stick them in a big mixing bowl. 

Next, in a smaller bowl mix all the other ingredients except the butter and mix it until blended. Then take your mixture and throw it in the bowl with your sliced up apples, and then toss that around until they are well coated. See how easy this is? Maybe I shouldn't have written this recipe up, folks will know how incredibly easy peasy Japanesy it is to make an apple pie and I'm less of a cooking goddess than I pretend to be. 

After your apples are all coated, throw those bad boys into the pie crust that you remembered to take out of the oven. Put your butter in a microwave-safe bowl and melt it. When it's all soupy and hot, pour that melted butter all over the apple mixture. Now here's the cute part. Apple pies need a crust lid. I took the other pie crust that I had purchased and rolled it out using my rolling pin and flour and then cut it up to make a criss-cross on top of my pie. You can juts put the whole thing on top, or any fancy cut-up design you want - whatever gets you going. Just remember that if you place the entire other pie crust on top, cut some holes in there so the apples can breath, poor things. 

And then, just like Kelly Bundy said back in 1989, "VI-OLA" --- your pie is ready. Stick that puppy in the oven for like 15 minutes (ish, keep your eye on it because your oven is different than mine). After it's brown and gooey and yummy, take it out and slice it up. Don't let it cool for too long or the vanilla ice cream that you're gonna a-la-mode-it up with won't melt on top. 

I made three apple pies that day because my kids picked 194 fucking apples. So many, that I also made some homemade apple sauce. That's a recipe for another day though. 

Ps - Apple pie goes great with wine. Just sayin'. 

Cayman Jack Margarita - A review of sorts

The hubster and I were visiting our local Total Wine and Spirits, yesterday to price the vodka that we usually buy from Publix.  We buy bottom shelf, plastic bottled, Burnett's vodka.  We're not cheap, we're "frugal."  But, of course the first counter we visited was the wine tasting.  See?  Frugal.  Believe you me that I found an incredible cabernet that exploded with flavor the second it hit my first three taste buds.  We didn't buy it.  Why?  It was $18 a bottle.  Hence the "cheap" comment mentioned above.  

So, along with the wine tasting, they had a display set up with free samples of Cayman Jack Margaritas.  And when I say display "set up", I mean the rack that was on the hot girl pouring this shit into little plastic shot glasses loaded with the Cayman Jack logo.  Bravo, marketing department.  Brav...o.  And I fell for it.  Not because of her rack, but because of the free keychain.  I'm a marketing director's DREAM!  And the hubster?   I'm not sure he realized there was a free keychain involved.  

We threw back our shot glass sample and smiled.  It was good.  It was definitely worth trying six bottles of this for $7.99.  I imagined sitting by our pool with Pearl Jam on Pandora and getting a really good sunburn.

Today, I was waisting time on Pinterest, procrastinating some work I needed to do, so I popped open one of these bad boys.  And then another.  Again, they were good.  AND they have a twist off cap.  It's such a kick in the vagina when you get somewhere and you realize your top isn't a twist off and you've got to get all MacGuyver on this bitch to get it open.  Feel me?  Errrgh.

My review/opinion is this...

It definitely has a margarita flavor.  Not overwhelming but not weak either.  It's got carbonation to it, but not as much as a beer.  It's smooth and goes down easy since it's a malt liquor, the bottle is adorable (geared toward women, I think) and the bonus is that it's gluten free.

I had two and got a slight buzz - it's only 5.9% alcohol.  I was inside the house drinking these but I really think they're meant to drink pool side or even on the beach or when replicating the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

I give it a 7 out of 10.  It tastes like a margarita flavored Zima.

Thoughts?  Comment below...

The Safe Way to Cook Bacon...Naked.

Have you ever had bacon grease splatter on a nipple?  Not. Cool.  The way I cook bacon is not only most effective when you're cooking it sans clothing, but because it's not so fucking messy.  Friggin' grease splatters everywhere when you cook it on the stovetop.  And those "grease splatter screens" are a crock of shit - they don't work.  And the grease isn't just in one spot.  It's every. fucking. where; it's a pain in the ass to clean up.  So.  I cook mine in the oven.  It comes out absolutely perfect.  every. fucking. time.  Which is why you can cook it naked.  No splatters = nipples not burnt.  Unless you're into that sort of thing.  If you are...I don't wanna know.

Shit you're gonna need:

Bacon (the below picture is my absolute favorite to use. Do NOT use cheap bacon.  It's thin and flimsy...just like an ex-boyfriend.  And if you try to cook cheap bacon in the oven, it'll make you wanna jump off the roof of a tall building.  It doesn't peel away from each other easily, it burns in some spots, it's fatty, and it's just...ugh. And honestly, I prefer thicker meat, just sayin'.)
Baking sheet
Aluminum Foil (for easy clean up)
Kitchen KY (non stick cooking spray)

Shit you're gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375.  Line your pan with aluminum foil which again, makes for an extremely easy clean up process.  Yet again, another reason to cook bacon in the oven.  Then spray down your foil with kitchen ky because even though this produces a shit ton of grease, it still tends to stick.

The total baking time is 22 min.  I set the timer for 10 minutes and then turn it 180 degrees and cook for 12 more minutes.  Remove from oven and put it on a paper towel lined plate to soak up any grease.  I've got this shit down to a science.

And then...

It looks like this...

PERFECT!  Right?!

Add steak and eggs and voila.

Perfect bacon.  And you can cook it naked.  It's a two-fer.

(Please excuse the picture of over cooked steak.  It was leftovers from last night and when I heated it up - it obviously cooked more. ugh.)

Shit I use in my kitchen. And an accidental drink recipe.

Had a few homies and their families over this past Saturday and of course, like most people, the moms hung out in the kitchen.  We got to chit chattin' about things like, that I don't know what Dick Cheney looks like (true story), the price of milk, and how many times we've been to an adult superstore in the past three weeks.  Times like those remind me of what kick ass friends I have and how I really savor those Summer's Eve moments we have when the men folk aren't looking.  Pour me another drink, ladies...let's talk about porn.

Along with porn, another topic that came up was what exactly did I use in my kitchen on a regular basis.   Good question.  I for damn sure don't have fancy pots and pans that are coated with the tears of an angel and I especially don't have tools that are hand carved by monks in South Brazil.  The picture below is exactly what I use 98% of the time.  I'll break it down for you...

I know the numbers are hard to see.  a. I'm not so good on my Mac at editing pictures. b. I've had a few glasses of wine. and c. I've had a few glasses of wine.

But let's start at the top with number one.  Since we all start with number one.  Since the history of ever and the beginning of time.  Let's start with 1.

1. This is a Calphalon pan my mom got me for my last birthday.  This shit is the bomb and it's the pan I use every. fucking. day.  The whole damn thing goes into the oven.  Lid and all!  For example, I can saute chicken on the stovetop, throw in veggies, pop on that lid, and shove that mother trucker in the oven.  Whammo.  Dinner done.

2.  Ahhhhhhhh.  The infamous LeCruset.  This massive beast is also known as a "dutch oven."  Not to be confused with the OTHER dutch oven.  The one where you fart in bed and then lock your children under the sheets that forces them into a coughing fit.  They then escape and run far away from your room as possible.  Mission accomplished.  But seriously, I use this to saute meat on the stovetop, then throw in veggies and appropriate seasonings, and then shove that bitch in the oven.  Hansel and Gretel style.  Word.

3.  My, oh my.  Me and this contraption go way back.  This my friends, is from Pampered Chef.  (disclaimer: I am in no way being paid to advertise for them.  Like they would even promote a website with the name "effing" in it.) Anyhoo, this is how I steam frozen veggies all the time.  I put about 1/4 cup of water in the bottom, load this up with the whatever veggie has the least amount of freezer burn, and microwave until cooked.  The lid that has holes in it, locks.  That way, when you're done steaming, you can pour out the water, straining it.  Then I add butter, garlic salt, and then a bit of parmesan cheese, aka "shakey cheese" in our house.

4.  This is actually the collapsable strainer.  The small spatula, potato masher, and whisk are there for obvious reasons.  That really is shit I use all the time.  We know what they're for, let's move on.  The collapsable strainer.  This is such a freaking cabinet space saver as well as being able to stretch it out to the size you actually need.  Very convenient and because of the space saving, I have another one in our camper.  Yes.  I camp.  Much to my mother's dismay.  When I told her that my Hubster, who I was dating at the time, was taking me camping, she was horrified and said "Camping?  Like, at a Holiday Inn instead of the Ritz?" (Love you, mom.)

5.  THIS is pan is amazing.  My sister bought this for me for my birthday about five years ago.  It's a Rachel Ray pasta pan.  It's a little oblong shaped and very deep.  When you're making a huge ass pan of pasta with marinara for four boys, or any large meal for a big group, THIS is your pan.  Amazing.

The cutting boards I have pictured are generic.  They're not bamboo or any complicated shit like that.  I don't have time to shave my legs AND my armpits during one shower, so there ain't no fucking way I have time to rub a cutting board down with coconut oil, or some dumb shit like that.  If I'm gonna rub something down with oil, it's definitely not gonna be a cutting board...wink, wink.

There's also a pizza cutter and a spatula pictured.  The pizza cutter isn't just used for pizza.  You'd be a dumbass to buy a kitchen tool that you can only use for one thing.  Stupid.  I use that thing to cut up pancakes for the kidddos, crusts off sandwiches, and chop herbs, just to name a few.

The orange spatula set is from Rachel Ray.  It was the other part of my bday gift from my kick ass sister.  I love that whole set.  It's durable, dishwasher safe, and it works just in case you need to swat a kid on the ass as he's running through your damn kitchen after being told not to for the upteenth time.  Not that I do that or anything.  Scouts honor.

So, besides the occasional pot with lid to boil water for pasta...that's it.  Not fancy.  Just like me.

And now, my bitches, here's a little drinky poo we made this past weekend.

Since it's Florida and it's fucking hot as a homeless man's armpit, we stayed inside.  The dads had the kids out in the pool and as long as we kept filling their drinks or hand them another beer, it pretty much meant we were off duty.  Holla!

So, my friend "J" noticed the cut up watermelon that the kids weren't eating.  Yep.  We smushed that shit, poured in vodka to help the smushing process, and then poured that shnizz over sprite. Yes.  There were seeds.  Get over it.  The myth that your older sister told you about swallowing a seed would result in a watermelon growing in your belly is NOT true.  In fact, ANY seed you swallow will not grown ANYTHING in your belly.  Contrary to any sex ed classes you may have been wrongly informed at.

By the way, that grey shiny band on "J's" wrist is something called, SpiriTies.  She makes and sells them.  And here comes a shameless plug for her...SpiriTies  Love you, J :)

And this isn't "J."  This is me.  Adding more vodka.  Of course I did.

Creamy Sanchez. Dirty's cousin. aka chorizo, cream cheese stuffed chicken

Creamy Sanchez.  Dirty's Cousin

(Chorizo, Cream cheese stuffed chicken)

Me: “Honey! Will you pull out some meat for dinner?”

Hubster: “Hehehe.”

He came to me with chicken breasts and chorizo.  Challenge accepted.  This shit was so good, it reminded me of my first orgasm.  Memorable.  And I had to do it myself.

Shit you’re gonna need:

Three chicken breasts (you think they’d sell this shit in packs of two. Just to be anatomically correct)

Five chorizo links (taking the casing off of these bastards is like removing a condom)

4 oz of cream cheese (softened)

garlic salt (if you don’t have this in your pantry, smack yourself. You’ve been an idiot for too long.)

pepper

3 tablespoons of dried cilantro (my mother thinks that cilantro tastes like soap and she is hell bent on telling everyone, every time that it’s an inherited trait. Well, along with not getting her distaste for cilantro, I didn’t get her long legs and perky breasts.)

‘bout half a cup of sour cream

 Maybe a shmidge of tabasco, white pepper, and cayenne (make up your own shit.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

There is nothing I love more than the smell of chorizo browning on the stovetop.  Well, maybe a few others things.  Like, dark chocolate, vodka, the smell of the library, a new bra, a good hair day, the smell of pumping gasoline…you get the picture.  But still, the smell of that shit cooking should be a new yankee candle flavor.  

Like I said before, when uncasing the chorizo, I swear it's like taking off a condom.  Shit is gross, but I must. press. on.  Brown up your chorizo, right up in the pan. Naked.  No olive oil, no salt, no pepper, nutin'.  It will create it's own oil and you're gonna need to save it.  After it's brown, don't wash the pan, don't mop up the juices, just leave the pan to the side.

See that sharp point on that spatula?  Yep.  That shit's gonna help you break up the chorizo, because it can get kind of chunky.  You don't want chunky.  You want ground round style.

After it's all browned up, you'll need to drain the meat.  It takes the excess oil off and make it easier for mixing with the cream cheese.  Trust me.  Also, if your meat is kind of chunky, still, you'll need to chop it up once the meat has been drained.  I had to do it.  Because I got distracted by a phone call to my husband reminding him to grab sour cream for my cilantro cream sauce and the fact that there were three Air Supply songs playing all in a row.

Once your meat is chopped, preheat your oven the 375, and add the meat to a bowl with your four ounces of cream cheese and mix.   It won't be easy.  It won't be pretty.  But fucking worth it.

Whoa.  Looks ugly as hell.  Don't judge.  This shit will attempt acrobatics in your mouth and you'll be thankful for the glory that your tongue will scream after it gets to taste such amazingness.

Now, let's be honest here.  I can't make a vagina pocket in chicken like my husband can (can't imagine why.)  So, I call him over to assign him this deed that I always fuck up.

Once you have your vagina pocket, stuff it with your chorizo cream cheese mixture.  I couldn't take a picture because, touching my camera with raw chicken hands is against my religion.

So, now you've stuffed your chicken.  Heat up that pan you used to brown your chorizo.  There's plenty of oil and flakes of fucking goodness that the chicken will get a beautiful, brown, flavorful color all over the breast. (insert comment about how beautiful Lauryn Hill is. Yes. I'm a big fan.)

I seared the chicken in this pan that also doubles as a pan for the oven, I got lucky.  But honestly, you can brown it in the pan you used for the chorizo and then use a 9x13 pan sprayed with Kitchen KY (non stick cooking spray) to bake in the oven.  But make sure you cover it with aluminum foil.

 Bake for 30 minutes, or until cooked thoroughly, aaaaaaaand done.

But of course, I had to take it a step further and topped it with the leftover chorizo mix.  Of course I did.

Now for the cilantro cream sauce.  Not gonna lie, I didn't take pictures.  I honestly just used the cilantro, sour cream, tabasco, white pepper, and cayenne to taste.  I just stirred it up and then put a dollop on the side of my plate.  Nothing fancy.  Just like the dress from my 8th grade dance.

Soooooooo, my bitches.  Guess what?  We've got a little early Memorial Day present for you mofo's.  You want it?  Like, you really, really, really want it?

Here's the video for "Puffy Butts"

Puffy Butt Video

You love us.  We get it.

Signed,

Delaina (D1) and Danielle (D2)

Yes.  Those are our real names.  Not our stripper names.  They're like, the names our mother's gave us.  On purpose.

Fajita Flank Steak Roll

“OMG. Ariel!  Sunday night is Cinco De Mayo!” “Yup. And all Sunday morning, and Sunday afternoon, too!” Smart ass.  But I love her.  I love her more than Snooki loves a good spray tan.

So, with Cinco De Mayo today, I thought it appropriate that I attempt something of the Mexican origin.  Besides homemade margaritas; cuz you know that shit’s goin’ down.

Me: I should make something Mexican-ish to post for Cinco De Mayo...what should I make?

Hubster: How ‘bout something with meat, cheese, sauce, and tortillas.

Smart ass.

Shit you’re gonna need:

Flank Steak (As you can see, I had two of them.  If you make more than that, you’ll need to double the filling recipe and I refuse to give you the amounts on that because I was an English major; not a math major. Although you’ll never be able to tell that with my seriously bad grammar.)

Olive oil

Montreal seasoning (If you don’t have this in your cupboard, make sure you smack the shit out of yourself for denying this goodness from hitting your deprived taste buds.  Not to be dramatic or anything.)

½ of a red onion, chopped

1 red pepper, chopped (you’ll have leftovers, but I’ll fill you in on what you can do with them.)

1 yellow pepper, chopped (see above comment)

1 green pepper, chopped (see above above comment)

4 oz. of softened cream cheese (You know it’s soft enough by taking your index finger and poking it into the fattest part of your thigh.  If the cream cheese feels like that, then you’re golden.)

1 tablespoon of fajita seasoning (Completely ignore the picture below that shows taco seasoning.  Pretend you never saw it.  Just like Jersey Shore.  It never happened.  Or at least it shouldn’t have.)

Chopped garlic (Yes. I used the stuff out of the jar. Big deal. Concentrate on something more important like, whether or not Captain and Tenille are going to make another album.)

Half of a lime (Having limes in our house is about the equivalent of having running water.  It's always available.)

1 teaspoon of fresh, chopped cilantro (Not gonna lie, the cilantro I used had been in our fridge for about 2 1/2 weeks and was slimey.  Still used it.  Didn't give two shits.)

Other shit you’ll need to make this happen:

Plastic wrap

A meat tenderizer

Kitchen twine (You think that’d be easy to find in the grocery store.  It wasn’t.  The grocery clerk had an easier time guessing my bra size than guess where the fuck the kitchen twine was kept.)


Shit you're gonna do:

So, the label didn't actually say "flank steak", but the kitchen twine sure as hell said "kitchen twine."

To make the flank steak evenly flat and thinned out, you'll need to wrap this shit up Dexter style and pound it with a mallet.  *Note: the steak will stretch out; I highly recommend turning it the other way unless you don't mind the meat sneaking out between the plastic wrap.  I sure as hell didn't care.  I pounded that shit anyway.

After you give a good pounding (see what I did there?), you'll need to make cross hatch marks.  But only on one side.  The side you make these marks will be the "outside" of the roll.  It helps it roll easier;   but don't cut all the way through, just lightly cut the surface.

Now you're going to season the meat.  I used olive oil, montreal seasoning, and salt and pepper.  Although the hubster said "Um. Montreal IS salt and pepper." My comeback? "With garlic."  He was right. 

I have to show off our salt and pepper shakers.  They're battery operated.  My in-laws have these and when I used them at their house for the first time, I peed a little (it was a fantastic first impression, I'm sure.)  Not only do you press that button to make them work, it has a light on the end so you can see what the hell you're doing and how much shit you're putting on your food.  The only issue is that you have to remember to take the cap off the bottom.  We forget about 4 out of 10 times.  So, this past Christmas, guess what we got from them?  Yep.  Electric salt and pepper shakers that look like boobies.

Just rub in a little bit of olive oil.  Seriously.  A little goes a long way, just like lube; maybe like a drop the size of a pea.

Add your salt, pepper, and montreal seasoning and rub it all in.  Flip sides and do the same thing.  You'll now have the side of the meat that you'll need to fill, facing you.  The cross hatch mark side will now be facing down.

Here's the deal with the peppers.  As some of you know, I fucking hate chopping.  Like, I'd rather be the one giving Fat Bastard a Brazilian waxing instead of chopping all this shit.

So, I use this.  It's from Pampered Chef.  But I'm pretty sure there's knockoffs at Williams Sonoma, Ross, and Marshalls.

I coarsely chop...

...and then, the pounder/cutter thingy does it's magic.

And no.  I'm not going to use all that.  I used about four big heaping spoonfuls of it.  The rest?  I saved in the fridge for eggs in the morning or for whatever I'm cooking during the week.  With a husband, four boys, baseball games, gymnastics, boy scouts, under water basket weaving...we really need to use some short cuts.

So, in about one tablespoon of olive oil, I sauteed the cut veggies for about three minutes or so.  Not too long.  Don't want shit soggy.  But at about the last minute, I dropped a heap shit of chopped garlic in the pan.  It smelled glorious.  Don't over cook it because as wonderful as this smell is right now, you burn that shit and it's gonna be fucking ridiculous to get out of your head.  Just like when you're at Yankee Candle and you smell all these wonderful candles and then you pick up a shitty one, take a deep breath, and then you cough and gasp for air because you feel like you just smelled the ass of a skunk.

While your veggies are a cookin', preheat your oven to 400 degrees, and then feel free to start the cream cheese mixture.  It's just softened cream cheese and you stir in your taco fajita seasoning.  Nothing complicated and you're more than welcome to lick the bowl.

Half a lime and cilantro all ready to go. (Obviously this picture does not depict the "chopped cilantro" that I had previously mentioned in the ingredients list.)

Spread half your mixture on to one piece of steak and then the rest of it on the other piece of meat.  Rocket science, I tell ya.  I'm a fucking genius.

Next, add the veggies and smush them in with your hand.  Also squeeze the lime equally on each piece of meat and then divide the cilantro on each piece, accordingly.  I like to use fancy technical terms like, "smush" and "thingy." I'm sure my parents are pretty proud about all that money they spent on college.  Didn't do shit.  Except that I can conjugate the FUCK out of a verb.  Word.

When you roll these little fuckers, you're going to roll them starting with the small side.  Meaning, the small side will be on the inside of the roll.  You don't need to do this "doobie" style; like, roll a little, then tighten, roll a little more, tighten a little more - there's no need.  Just roll this bad boy up and tie this bitch up however you see fit with kitchen twine.

With the advice from my friend, Martin, you'll need a dry pan to sear these in.  I used this advice and thought well in advance for my husbands sake regarding how many dishes he'll have to wash and decided on a pan that works for the stovetop, as well as the oven.  It's a win, win. (Yes, there's a little piece of extra steak there that I cut off one of the flanks so we could munch on. )

Brown on all four sides and then put in the oven for about ten minutes.  I say ten minutes because I overcooked these by cooking them for about fifteen minutes.  We like medium rare, so you're really going to have to keep an eye on these bastards so you get just the right temperature.  Sorry for the wishy washy time limit, but I assure you, it's easy to figure out.

Make sure you take off the kitchen twine before diving in...

My husband is a proud member of the "clean plate club."

And there he goes grabbing at the bits of leftover sauce.  Atta boy.

Recap:
1. Tenderize and season your meat.  Include cross hatch marks.
2. Preheat oven to 400.
3. Cut up veggies, saute for a few mintues and then throw in garlic. Saute for a minute more.
4. While veggies are cooking, mix your cream cheese and your fajita seasoning.
5. Spread cream mixture on your meat.
6. Add your veggies, then lime, and then cilantro.
7. Roll meat and tie up with kitchen twine.
8. Brown all four sides of "roll" and then put in the oven for about 10 minutes.
9. Pour a glass of red wine, eat, enjoy, and then lick the plate clean.