Fajita Flank Steak Roll

“OMG. Ariel!  Sunday night is Cinco De Mayo!” “Yup. And all Sunday morning, and Sunday afternoon, too!” Smart ass.  But I love her.  I love her more than Snooki loves a good spray tan.

So, with Cinco De Mayo today, I thought it appropriate that I attempt something of the Mexican origin.  Besides homemade margaritas; cuz you know that shit’s goin’ down.

Me: I should make something Mexican-ish to post for Cinco De Mayo...what should I make?

Hubster: How ‘bout something with meat, cheese, sauce, and tortillas.

Smart ass.

Shit you’re gonna need:

Flank Steak (As you can see, I had two of them.  If you make more than that, you’ll need to double the filling recipe and I refuse to give you the amounts on that because I was an English major; not a math major. Although you’ll never be able to tell that with my seriously bad grammar.)

Olive oil

Montreal seasoning (If you don’t have this in your cupboard, make sure you smack the shit out of yourself for denying this goodness from hitting your deprived taste buds.  Not to be dramatic or anything.)

½ of a red onion, chopped

1 red pepper, chopped (you’ll have leftovers, but I’ll fill you in on what you can do with them.)

1 yellow pepper, chopped (see above comment)

1 green pepper, chopped (see above above comment)

4 oz. of softened cream cheese (You know it’s soft enough by taking your index finger and poking it into the fattest part of your thigh.  If the cream cheese feels like that, then you’re golden.)

1 tablespoon of fajita seasoning (Completely ignore the picture below that shows taco seasoning.  Pretend you never saw it.  Just like Jersey Shore.  It never happened.  Or at least it shouldn’t have.)

Chopped garlic (Yes. I used the stuff out of the jar. Big deal. Concentrate on something more important like, whether or not Captain and Tenille are going to make another album.)

Half of a lime (Having limes in our house is about the equivalent of having running water.  It's always available.)

1 teaspoon of fresh, chopped cilantro (Not gonna lie, the cilantro I used had been in our fridge for about 2 1/2 weeks and was slimey.  Still used it.  Didn't give two shits.)

Other shit you’ll need to make this happen:

Plastic wrap

A meat tenderizer

Kitchen twine (You think that’d be easy to find in the grocery store.  It wasn’t.  The grocery clerk had an easier time guessing my bra size than guess where the fuck the kitchen twine was kept.)


Shit you're gonna do:

So, the label didn't actually say "flank steak", but the kitchen twine sure as hell said "kitchen twine."

To make the flank steak evenly flat and thinned out, you'll need to wrap this shit up Dexter style and pound it with a mallet.  *Note: the steak will stretch out; I highly recommend turning it the other way unless you don't mind the meat sneaking out between the plastic wrap.  I sure as hell didn't care.  I pounded that shit anyway.

After you give a good pounding (see what I did there?), you'll need to make cross hatch marks.  But only on one side.  The side you make these marks will be the "outside" of the roll.  It helps it roll easier;   but don't cut all the way through, just lightly cut the surface.

Now you're going to season the meat.  I used olive oil, montreal seasoning, and salt and pepper.  Although the hubster said "Um. Montreal IS salt and pepper." My comeback? "With garlic."  He was right. 

I have to show off our salt and pepper shakers.  They're battery operated.  My in-laws have these and when I used them at their house for the first time, I peed a little (it was a fantastic first impression, I'm sure.)  Not only do you press that button to make them work, it has a light on the end so you can see what the hell you're doing and how much shit you're putting on your food.  The only issue is that you have to remember to take the cap off the bottom.  We forget about 4 out of 10 times.  So, this past Christmas, guess what we got from them?  Yep.  Electric salt and pepper shakers that look like boobies.

Just rub in a little bit of olive oil.  Seriously.  A little goes a long way, just like lube; maybe like a drop the size of a pea.

Add your salt, pepper, and montreal seasoning and rub it all in.  Flip sides and do the same thing.  You'll now have the side of the meat that you'll need to fill, facing you.  The cross hatch mark side will now be facing down.

Here's the deal with the peppers.  As some of you know, I fucking hate chopping.  Like, I'd rather be the one giving Fat Bastard a Brazilian waxing instead of chopping all this shit.

So, I use this.  It's from Pampered Chef.  But I'm pretty sure there's knockoffs at Williams Sonoma, Ross, and Marshalls.

I coarsely chop...

...and then, the pounder/cutter thingy does it's magic.

And no.  I'm not going to use all that.  I used about four big heaping spoonfuls of it.  The rest?  I saved in the fridge for eggs in the morning or for whatever I'm cooking during the week.  With a husband, four boys, baseball games, gymnastics, boy scouts, under water basket weaving...we really need to use some short cuts.

So, in about one tablespoon of olive oil, I sauteed the cut veggies for about three minutes or so.  Not too long.  Don't want shit soggy.  But at about the last minute, I dropped a heap shit of chopped garlic in the pan.  It smelled glorious.  Don't over cook it because as wonderful as this smell is right now, you burn that shit and it's gonna be fucking ridiculous to get out of your head.  Just like when you're at Yankee Candle and you smell all these wonderful candles and then you pick up a shitty one, take a deep breath, and then you cough and gasp for air because you feel like you just smelled the ass of a skunk.

While your veggies are a cookin', preheat your oven to 400 degrees, and then feel free to start the cream cheese mixture.  It's just softened cream cheese and you stir in your taco fajita seasoning.  Nothing complicated and you're more than welcome to lick the bowl.

Half a lime and cilantro all ready to go. (Obviously this picture does not depict the "chopped cilantro" that I had previously mentioned in the ingredients list.)

Spread half your mixture on to one piece of steak and then the rest of it on the other piece of meat.  Rocket science, I tell ya.  I'm a fucking genius.

Next, add the veggies and smush them in with your hand.  Also squeeze the lime equally on each piece of meat and then divide the cilantro on each piece, accordingly.  I like to use fancy technical terms like, "smush" and "thingy." I'm sure my parents are pretty proud about all that money they spent on college.  Didn't do shit.  Except that I can conjugate the FUCK out of a verb.  Word.

When you roll these little fuckers, you're going to roll them starting with the small side.  Meaning, the small side will be on the inside of the roll.  You don't need to do this "doobie" style; like, roll a little, then tighten, roll a little more, tighten a little more - there's no need.  Just roll this bad boy up and tie this bitch up however you see fit with kitchen twine.

With the advice from my friend, Martin, you'll need a dry pan to sear these in.  I used this advice and thought well in advance for my husbands sake regarding how many dishes he'll have to wash and decided on a pan that works for the stovetop, as well as the oven.  It's a win, win. (Yes, there's a little piece of extra steak there that I cut off one of the flanks so we could munch on. )

Brown on all four sides and then put in the oven for about ten minutes.  I say ten minutes because I overcooked these by cooking them for about fifteen minutes.  We like medium rare, so you're really going to have to keep an eye on these bastards so you get just the right temperature.  Sorry for the wishy washy time limit, but I assure you, it's easy to figure out.

Make sure you take off the kitchen twine before diving in...

My husband is a proud member of the "clean plate club."

And there he goes grabbing at the bits of leftover sauce.  Atta boy.

Recap:
1. Tenderize and season your meat.  Include cross hatch marks.
2. Preheat oven to 400.
3. Cut up veggies, saute for a few mintues and then throw in garlic. Saute for a minute more.
4. While veggies are cooking, mix your cream cheese and your fajita seasoning.
5. Spread cream mixture on your meat.
6. Add your veggies, then lime, and then cilantro.
7. Roll meat and tie up with kitchen twine.
8. Brown all four sides of "roll" and then put in the oven for about 10 minutes.
9. Pour a glass of red wine, eat, enjoy, and then lick the plate clean.

Marriage Material. From D2 to D1 on her wedding day.

Today is a big day. 

Today, D1 becomes a married woman. Without getting too dramatic or personal, let's just all come to the understanding that the happiness that she is experiencing and has experienced for the last year and a half+ is so incredibly deserved that there are no words for it. 

So, in light of her union of love today, I wrote for her who I think she should marry (and is marrying). 

I am no plagiarist and will admit that I found an article on the internets called "Who Should You Marry? I'm So Glad You Asked" and what the woman wrote was so beautiful it moved me to tears. 

I took her idea, and made it my own - not stealing any of her words (promise). It was just too awesome to not make fit for my precious D1 today. 

I love you to the moon and back, my dear friend. We are tied to each other for life and longer. Thank you for being the dearest friend to me that you have been for 25 years now, and that wonderful man that you're marrying today. Poor guy is stuck with me too. 

Love, D2

*************************************************************************

Marriage Material. 

Marry someone funny.

Marry someone who thinks you’re funny, even when you’re not. Someone whose head throws backwards when you are really on a roll. 

Marry someone that likes the same shit you do, but also hates the same things you do. The kind of guy that will catch your eye and telepathically tell you that you’ll be talking about that later and laughing until someone pees. Which will likely be you since you’ve had babies and tears run down your leg on a daily basis. 

Marry someone who loves your chortle.

Marry someone who has seen you cry while snot runs down your face, and kisses those tears away. Marry someone who lies and tells you that everything will be okay, even if he’s not sure – but dammit will he do everything he can to make it true. 

Marry someone who is like you, but is also just different enough that you learn from each other.

Marry someone who will sit through boring shit with you. Who will jump at the opportunity to run to Target with you for socks because it means more time with you. But, also understands when you need a morning at Starbucks with your iPod all by yourself.

Marry someone who will pour your drinks for you, and the drinks of your visitors. But also the guy that gets drunk at 11am on Bloody Mary’s with your friends and says, “Woman, get me another!”. 

Marry a guy who’s a good friend to you, but won’t replace your girlfriends. You’re not always going to agree on what’s on your DVR – that’s what PJ days with your other friends are for. Make sure he’s a damn good friend. The kind that will get excited when your nails have grown out long enough for a French manicure, that it's double coupon day at the grocery store, or that you saw Meryl Streep crossing the street in NYC during your business trip and why that is a BIG deal. 

Marry a person who you’d marry anywhere, at any time. Marry the man that would give you the biggest diamond your heart could want, but got down on one knee with a twisty tie in the woods because the time was just right. 

Marry someone brave. But not asshole type of bravery. Don’t marry a guy who wants to kick the ass of the man who stares at you for too long.

Marry someone you can take anywhere, around anyone. Marry someone who appreciates the art of an amazing high five among strangers.

Marry someone who gets you your favorite cake for your birthday.

Marry someone who supports you; and I don’t mean with his wallet, 401K, annual bonus, or stock options. I mean, the one that beams with pride at each of your accomplishments – even if it’s just getting all the kids ready in the morning without killing them. Marry someone, who, when he talks about you, can’t help but to beam with pride that you’re his wife. 

Marry the man that your parents like and that has parents that you like. If this is not possible, an ability to tolerate is also okay. Marry someone who won’t get mad when the Thanksgiving turkey won’t cook right after 8 hours and that will be okay with leaving all the dishes until the next day because neither of you can face them.

Marry someone patient.

Marry the man that loves you a lot, and lets you be you. Incredibly, wonderfully, ridiculously, out-of-her-mind you. 

Green Peppers Stuffed with Awesomeness.

Philly Cheesesteak Stuffed Green Peppers

Alright.  Confession.  I’m addicted to Pinterest.  And I found this recipe idea on said site and I couldn’t resist.  I couldn’t help but drool with the thought of juicy meat being stuffed into something hot.  (See what I did there?)

Shit you're gonna need:

1 red onion, sliced (I'm sure you can use white or yellow, I just happen to think that red is better.  Not for any reason except that I have red hair, and I'm pretty awesome.)

3 green peppers (completely ignore the fact that there are indeed, 4 pictured here.  I only used three and shoved the extra back in the fridge hoping to use it before it goes bad.  At $0.89 a piece, shit better not go bad.)

1 package of mushrooms (I would say a small package, but that's all they have.  I've never seen a "size" ratio.)

2 packages of Steak Ums (pictured below because I forgot to get them out for this particular shot.)

Provolone cheese (I used two slices on each pepper, so guesstimate how much you'll need.)

olive oil (for sautéing, duh.)

Worstechsire (for taste, duh. again.)

salt and peper

Here's where I sliced the three peppers in half.  Then I took a step back to see which four I didn't fuck up the most that would be feasible for stuffing.  The other two just ended up being sliced and used in the "mix." 

Next is just a picture of my garbage bowl.  Sorry Rachel Ray.  I know she made a fuck-tillion dollars on the phrases, "EVOO" and "Yum-o", but I'm not paying $14.99 for a fucking "garbage bowl" from JC Penney.  $14.99 is what I spend on a good bottle of wine that I'm trying to impress someone with.

Pictured here is all the mushrooms which were pre-chopped (thank you, super target), and the green peppers and onions.  I just gotta say, it smelled fucking delicious.  I have a "thing" for green peppers and most definitely for mushroom. (Sidebar: when I was a little tot, I got the word marshmallow and mushrooms confused so I would ask my mom for marshmallows as a snack which meant mushrooms.  Stupid ass, kid.)

Slight obsession with these since college.  Not gonna lie, though, when it tells you that the hot oil could pop on you.  Be assured that it'll pop on you.  And probably on your boob.  Just sayin'.  (btw, again, I used two packages of these)

Heat up two tablespoons of olive oil and then dump in your onion, green pepper, and mushroom mixture.

See...it's cooking down, so don't shit yourself with "How the hell am I gonna fit all that shit into 4 half peppers."  Calm down there MacGuyver.  Shit will happen.

Now, stack up your steak ums, one box at a time and slice those bitches up. 

Add them to the veggie mix and let it cook down.  (this is where that fucking onion popped up and burned my boob.  Little fucker.  That'll teach me to wear a v-neck while cooking.)

 Second box in...

Aaaaaaaaaand done.  Mind you, please salt and pepper to taste here, because I really should have.

Stuff those bitches like a bad prom date...

Lay on the cheese and bake for about 20 minutes.  I had to put on a sheet of aluminum foil half way through cooking so that the cheese wouldn't burn...

And VOILA!  Oh wait.  What's that?  I forgot to take a final picture with my camera?  Fucking red wine.  I took it with my phone and updated it on facebook.  So check back there for the final pictures.

Peace out, my ninjas.

btw, the original link where I got this idea was from...  http://peaceloveandlowcarb.blogspot.com/2012/06/philly-cheesesteak-stuffed-peppers.html

word.

Green Hornet Tacos

D1 and D2 were reunited just after Christmas this year. It was also just after Kwanza, if that’s what you celebrate. It was about 11 days post-Hanukkah.  You get the picture.

When we reunite, amazing shit goes down. We eat, we laugh, we drink, we yell at our children, we compete in multiple dance offs (true story), and dammit – we cook.

That’s not entirely true. We don’t ALWAYS cook. The days that D2 spends at D1’s humble abode are generally a whirlwind and we end up throwing chicken fingers in the oven for our kids while we knock back vodka tonics and stay up late gabbing and pillow fighting. But not this trip, we cooked our asses off. Well, once anyway.

Enter Green Hornet Tacos.

D2 was head chef this night, while D1 was the sous. We headed to Target with 36 children and fought the urge to open the Merlot right off the shelf. We decided on “gourmet” tacos; read: not hard shells made by El Paso, not ground beef seasoned by a packet and lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream. Oh HELL no, we fancy.

Shit you’re gonna need:

• Tortillas. Now, we used corn tortillas because D1 can’t eat the flour ones. Your preference.
• A ready-made rotisserie chicken
• Garlic
• A bag of ready-to-use coleslaw vegetables. (cabbage and carrots were in it I think).
• Olive Oil
• Sliced up tomaties

For THE sauce:

•  2 avocados
• 4 oz of sour cream, the fattening shit.
•  ½ of a red onion
• ½ bunch of cilantro
• The juice of 2 limes
• The hair of a donkey’s balls. (just kiddin!)

Shit you’re gonna do:

THE Sauce:

No, that’s not me forgetting to turn off my caps-lock. This shit can only be categorized as “THE sauce” because it’s similar to being “THE man”, if it were human. This sauce will make you speak in tongues, it will make you feel funny in your undershorts, and it could be eaten out of a shoe and still be magnificent. (kind of like Nutella)

Open up your avocados and gut those bad boys into a bowl, and mash them up with a potato masher. If you don't have a potato masher you'll have to get creative. Like, use the back of a spoon. Chop your red onions into little pieces and throw them in there. Wash your cilantro, and chop that up too – throw in. Squeeze the lime juice into the bowl as well and mix in your sour cream. Easy huh? Now, here’s where you may be in a pickle. If you taste it, it will be very difficult to not open your nearest bag of tortilla chips and go down on this shit while you cook the other stuff. Resist the urge people. Taste to be sure it doesn't need anything, and then move on.

The Tacos:

Now, we took the easy way out and we bought an already made chicken. Wanna know why? Because we took 36 kids with us to Target for groceries, that’s why. We needed extra time to drink and plus, it was getting late and we were famished.

Pull all of the meat that you possibly can off of that cooked chicken and shred it up. Once you’re done, toss it in a pan with some garlic and olive oil to give it a different flavor than the one you brought it home with.  Set aside or stick in a warm oven to keep warm. Cover that shit up though, so it doesn't dry out.

In the same pan, add more olive oil and a little more garlic and throw the bag of coleslaw veggies in there. Sauté them up so they’re soft and slightly translucent. Remove from heat.

Dice up your tomatoes for garnish.

Now, you can do what I did and individually warm each tortilla in a frying pan with a little bit of olive oil, or you can stick them in your warm oven, or even in the microwave for 10 seconds. Your choice. I prefer them pan-heated, but that’s just me.

It’s almost chow time, keep your panties on.

We used 2 tortillas per taco, because then they can withstand the weight of the deliciousness that you’re about to load them with. If you use one, and pile all other stuff in there – you’ll be the one with a broken taco. NO ONE likes a broken taco, trust me on this one.

So, commence to loading.  Chicken first, then the cooked ‘slaw, then THE sauce, then some diced up maters. These fucking tacos will knock your socks off. Just THE sauce alone will and I’m fairly certain that it is the only reason that these tacos are so life-changing. You could forget all the other ingredients and just eat THE sauce out of your shoe and save yourself the trouble – up to you. 

Cheese Stick-Balls (gotta love a good stick and balls)

My friend, “L” and I were craving crescent rolls and cheese.  We wanted mother fucking cheese in an instant and had drank too much Chardonnay to even think about heading to the local pub for some nasty ass, over fried, greasy cheese sticks.   But boy did we ever try to convince someone to take us.  So, instead, we raided my fridge and found crescent rolls, VOILA!  Cheese sticks for my kids’ lunches, VOILA!  Garlic salt…pizza sauce for dipping…and mother fucking oregano.  JACKPOT! (btw, there are no pictures.  I wasn't sure how they were gonna turn out, but they came out amazing. Shoulda taken pictures.  Sorry 'bout that.)

Shit you’re gonna need: (even though I just gave you the run down of the ingredients, let’s break it down, shall we?)

1 tube of crescent rolls (aka, 8 triangles sent directly from heaven)

4 cheese sticks (yes, these were for my kids’ lunches, but I’m just THAT kind of mom)

garlic salt (you can’t live a full and productive life without this in your cabinet)

dried oregano in a jar (cuz I don’t buy the fresh stuff)

Pizza sauce (the kind in the jar that you pull out of the cabinet and realize the use by date is two weeks past, but you’ve had enough wine to say, “Fuck it. There’s preservatives in this shit.  We’ll be fine.”

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375, I believe.  I’ve since thrown away the package, so I’m not sure what the crescent roll package says, so please confirm with the tube you have, because my wacky ass is probably wrong.

While the oven is preheating, cut your cheese sticks in half.  That way, you’ll have the eight needed for the eight crescent triangles.  Spray a baking sheet with Kitchen KY (aka, non stick cooking spray, for you newbies out there) and set it aside. 

You’re gonna unroll each crescent triangle and then plop down one of the cut cheese sticks at the end of the fat part of the triangle.  Then, lay the corners of the fat part over the cheese stick and the roll that bitch up.  The goal is to make sure the cheese stick is completely covered so that none of that over processed, calcium goodness leaks out. 

Once you’ve gotten all eight of them rolled up, put them on your baking sheet, sprinkle with garlic salt and oregano, and then bake for about 14 minutes.  Again, please confirm the time with the tube of crescent rolls that you used.  Seriously.  I’m really bad at that shit and I don’t want your panties in a wad that I told you the wrong time.  And don’t be stupid.  Put a timer on.  If you don’t, that wine will most definitely help you forget when you actually put those little bastards in the oven.  Trust me.  I know.  I’ll look right at the fucking clock and go “Yep. 7:14pm.  I need to take them out of the oven at 7:27pm.”  And who the hell do you think forgot in .00035 seconds later.  This girl right here.

Now, once your little cheese stick-balls are done, please do not.  I repeat.  Do not put these directly into your pie hole.  The inside of these little fuckers is gonna be the same temperature as the fucking sun, so put down the rolls, walk away and go watch “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” on youtube.  After you’ve peed a little from watching that video eight times, feel free to pour off a side of that pizza sauce and dip these little bad boys in and chow the fuck down.  Not gonna lie.  We were waiting on two of our other girlfriends to get to my house to share these.  We had three each.  They only had one each.  Sucks when you’re late.  Lesson learned.