Nutella crescent rolls. It’s for lovers.

Disclaimer:  This recipe has cinnamon in it.  Which pretty much means D2 won’t go any further than this sentence right here.  She’s also terrified of birds, but that’s a story for a different day.  That story involves Sea World and me peeing in my pants, but moving on...

Nutella was made by Jesus.  I know this because that shit is heavenly.  Unicorns dance and rainbows shoot through my kitchen window every time I eat it.  I open the vacuum sealed top and it sounds like angels flew straight out of the jar and wrapped their arms around me and sang me a lullaby of hope that all will be better in the world. 

So, it’s only natural to put crescent rolls, sugar, and cinnamon with this most delicious treat.  Thank you pinterest.  Thank you for wasting my time and helping me find ways to get fat and to dream of how organized I wish my home was.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One can of crescent rolls (I totally used generic.  Shocker.)

Nutella (I have a huge ass jar, which makes me wonder why they even sell small jars of this stuff.  I could inhale the small jar up through my left nostril in .009 seconds.)

‘bout a cup of sugar

‘bout a tablespoon of cinnamon

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375.  Fish out a baking pan, cover it in foil and spray that bad boy down with some kitchen ky. 

Mix together your cinnamon and sugar in a bowl and set aside.

Cross your legs so you don’t piss yourself when the crescent can pops open.  I need to note that you don’t need your crescent rolls out until you’re absolutely 100% ready to use them.  If they come out of the fridge and sit too long, they get sticky and warm and darn near impossible to work with.  Kinda like a few shitheads I know.  But anyhoo…One at a time, unroll your crescent roll, smear on some nutella and then roll that bad boy up.  Roll the large end down towards the little edge because that’s how the nice people at Pillsbury expect you to do it.  And who are we to go against the bake-off creators who so conveniently forget to even say “thank you” for entering their contest every year.  But I’m not bitter.  “Oh, we’re sorry to inform you, but your recipe looks like shit. And we wouldn’t even feed it to our dog…”  Errrrgh.

But after you roll these up, roll them around in your cinnamon sugar concoction, then lay them on your baking sheet and bake ‘em for about 15 minutes. 

Now, once they’re cooked, you’re really gonna have to a wait a few minutes and let these bastards cool.  Trust me.  I burned a few taste buds and said a few cuss words that I’m pretty sure were in Spanish when I tried to shovel one in right after pulling out of the oven.  Never trust anyone who eats immediately after pulling things out of the oven.  *snicker*  *snort*, lol.  But when they actually do cool down – ‘bout 10 minutes will do ya’- then bite down and enjoy the goodness that is the invention of nutella.  And by the way, every time you eat one, an angel gets its wings.

Porky’s Revenge Tacos and a tale of the Non-Mexican food aisle.

I’m white.  Like, cracker white.  I was raised in a household where fried chicken, sweet potatoes, and “wife beater” tank tops were of heavy influence.  My grandmother was the richest of us all…she had a double wide trailer and we all helped her take the wheels off.  Fancy.

So, as I was posting on facebook about the pink taco pizza and how I used Chulola sauce, I casually mentioned that it was in the Mexican food aisle.  Well, this caused quite an uproar with D2.  See, she’s not white.  In fact, we are the ebony and ivory of this cooking blog, except that she’s tan; not black.  I’m her family’s token redneck gringa and when my family hears her speak Spanish, they think she’s Mexican.  It’s a match made in fucked up racial heaven. 

In comes my inspiration for this taco.  The boyfriend and I recently took a quick getaway trip to St. Augustine, Florida.  (I added the “Florida” in there in case you yanks weren’t sure where it was.  It’s only about two hours from where I live, hence the “quick getaway” reference.  You caught up now?  Good.)  So, we’re not big into setting up fancy reservations somewhere and getting dolled up just to sit at a table and wonder which fork to use first.  We’re more of a “let’s wander around and find a cool hole in the wall place and hope there’s a happy hour” kind of couple.  So we did.  We found a hole in the wall taco place (The name escapes me. Can’t imagine why.) that had graffiti on the walls and was packed with people.  We ordered the UFO burrito.  Since I had the pleasure of putting such deliciousness into my pie hole (dirty thought here), I’ve been wanting to recreate it since.  And I think I did.  Here you go…

Shit you’re gonna need:

For the pork:

5 lb Pork butt  (why they call the shoulder the “butt”, is beyond me.  But I didn’t trim the fat.  I figured it gives it extra flavor and a little extra lovin’.)

One large onion (I prefer yellow onions.  Sorta sweet but tough and packed with flavor.  Like me.)

Garlic salt (enough to sprinkle all over the butt)

I cooked this in the crock pot on low for about 8-10 hours.  Once it was done, I took out the fat, shredded it up and then stuck it in the fridge until I knew what the hell I was gonna do with it.

Two days later my “a-ha” moment set in…

For the tacos:

Your shredded pork (honestly, the taco we ordered from the above story was beef, so shredded beef or chicken will work well, too)

A can of black beans, heated and drained

Cheese (I used a Mexican blend [yes D2, it actually said “Mexican” on it])

“the” sauce (Ingredients below)

For the Sauce:

Once cup of plain, non fat yogurt (I just started using this to replace a lot of things.  I’ll explain later, but it sure does save time.  I’m not interested in saving calories, just time and money, kinda like hiring a hooker, or voting in a new congressman)

2 tablespoons of mayo (real mayo here people.  No hellmans nonsense)

6 tablespoons of sour cream (I’m sure there’s a conversion to cups there, but I’m not interested.  I’ve already dirtied a tablespoon, mine as well use that)

1 teaspoon of ground cumin (this stuff smells glorious to me)

½ teaspoon of cayenne pepper (now, don’t get your panties all in a bind and choke on them, it’s not that hot.  But if you haven’t grown a decent pair of balls yet, feel free to add a smidge at a time)

½ teaspoon of garlic salt

Salt and pepper to taste

Mix all this up and then you’ll look at it and say “Shit.  That’s a lot of sauce.”  No it’s not.  Trust me.  You’ll be using this for the inside of the tacos as well as dipping.  My hot ass realtor friend, we’ll call her T, couldn’t get enough.  It’s THAT good.

Now, let’s move on to heating up your pork.

More shit you’ll need:

Your pork from the fridge (now that you know what the hell you’re going to do with it)

2 tablespoons of olive oil (do not EVER say “evoo” around me.  I will punch you right in the esophagus.  Hate that fucking saying.  No offense Rachel…it’s just overused.  Just like my checking account, but I digress…)

3 tablespoons of chili powder (I secretly sniff this stuff and it makes me crave chili cheese fritos.  Weird.  I know.)

½  teaspoon of ground cumin (yep. Used it again.)

½  teaspoon of salt

1 14.5 oz can of diced tomatoes (do NOT drain these)

A pack of 10 tortillas

Shit you’re gonna FINALLY do:

Heat up your olive oil in a dutch oven (that term makes me laugh) and then add in your pork.  You can use a large skillet too if that’s more your fancy.  Then add your chili powder, cumin, salt and diced tomatoes.  Stir that around until it’s heated up and then put it aside so we can put together the tacos.

I needed to press these tacos like they did in St. Augustine, but I don’t have a Panini press.  (Gayest name EVER for a cooking appliance).  So, I heated up the skillet to cook them on and then heated up an iron skillet to sit on top to press them.  My hot, nurse friend, L, said “I don’t have an iron skillet.  What shall I use?”  I then gladly suggested she use a pot filled with water.  Heat that up too so there’s heat on both sides of the smushed taco.  Did ya’ get that?

Once your 924 pans are heated, you’ll need to assemble the tacos.  Heat up the torts in the microwave and then spread ‘er open, put in some pork, lay on the beans, some cheese and then “the sauce”.  I then channeled my Mexican friend, Hector, and rolled that bitch into what resembled a burrito shape (I was two drinks in at this point, my friends, so go easy on me.)  Then I put two in the pan at a time, laid the iron skillet on top and waited until they were brownish, or until my hot brunette realtor friend says “ummm, check yo shit.  They be done.”  And yes.  I said, brownish.  Not brown.  Not white.  Just the ‘ish of brown.  Keep that monotonous assembly line going and after a while, you’ll have a shit load!  As for how long it took.  I really don’t know.  We were shootin’ the shit, pouring more drinks and hoping for the best.  What WAS the best, was the sauce.  Hot Realtor Friend kept going back for more.  I don’t blame her.  I like the sauce.  Double meaning there.

Pink Taco Pizza

Friend: “What recipe are you posting next?”

Me: “Pink taco pizza.”

Friend: “That’s my favorite kind.”

Me: “You’ve had pink taco pizza?”

Friend: “Nope. I stopped listening after ‘pink taco’.”

I’ve got good friends.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 lb. of ground beef

Taco seasoning (you can buy the premeasured packets, but I have a jar of the premade concoction. That’s how much I use it. So, if you have the jar, use the measurement they give you. I would give it to you, but what’s the point? You’ll look at the jar anyways. So, why should I get my fat ass off the couch to go look.)

Pizza crust (As you can see in the picture, I used the Pillsbury premade stuff. It’s easy, but not cheap. Kinda like an exgirlfriend.)

Can of refried beans (You’re more than welcome to use fat free, but why? You’re using sour cream and cheese, what the hell would make the difference if you used fat free beans? Think you’ll save an artery? Not a chance.)

Cheese (I would suggest using the taco flavored kind, or a Mexican blend of some sort. Gouda won’t work here, people.)

Shredded lettuce

Tomatoes

‘bout half a cup of sour cream

Cholula hot sauce (You can find this in the Mexican food aisle. There’s a picture of a hot Mexican lady on it. Kinda like the Chiquita banana chick.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 425. Spread out your pizza dough into a rectangle on an aluminum foil lined pan hosed down with kitchen ky and bake for about eight minutes.

While that’s getting half baked (don’t worry pot heads, we’ll get this shit fully baked in no time), brown your meat, drain and rinse and then put in back in your skillet and add your taco seasoning with HALF the water it suggests you use. You don’t want this watery and getting all gushy on your pizza dough.

When your dough is half baked, spread on your refried beans. Honestly, I have about ¼ of the can left when I do this. If beans are your thing, then slather it on. You can dutch oven your kids when dinner is over. Not that I do that or anything. Moms don’t fart.

After your beans, add your meat and cheese and then bake for another 8-10 minutes or so. While this is cooking, you’ll need to make your pink sauce. Start with about half a cup of sour cream and add your Cholula sauce until it’s pink. But if you’re a wuss and you can’t handle hot, I would keep checking to make sure it doesn’t get too spicy for you. But for me? I have balls, so I keep my shit spicy. Like all Mexican women should be.

(white alien looking arm...niiiiiiiiiiice)

When your pizza is done baking, add your lettuce and tomato…please notice that only half of my pizza has tomato on it because the boyfriend doesn’t like tomato. No problem. Less for me to cut and more for me to eat. I’m a good girlfriend like that.

Now add your sauce. I would just drizzle it on in a zig zag motion and then keep enough on the side for dipping. LOVE to dip. I’m a total dipper. Skinny dipper, sauce dipper, whatever…

Kick Ass Fried Chicken

So I named this chicken Kick Ass for 2 reasons. 1) it really is kick ass, and delicious too. 2) it gives me the opportunity to tell you all about the time that I kicked D1’s ass. See what I did there?

So D1 and I met September of '88 in the 6th grade. Shit, we're getting old. We're still hot though, believe it. Anyway.... we became fast friends and immediate lifers. We soon were having sleepovers, spending Spring Break and summer vacations together. Sweet shit, huh? The summer between 7th and 8th grade we spent the 1st part of the summer in a day camp and the 2nd part at my grandmother's house.

Our moms took turns taking us to the day camp, where we just basically fucked around all day and maybe did some gymnastics and shit. So one day, we were sitting watching some boys play basketball outside. I was sitting in the only chair that was out there. I got up to go and pee and when I got back, D1 was sitting in my chair. So I told her to get up. She basically told me to go fly a kite, that she wasn't moving. We got into a verbal confrontation that ended with me dumping her skinny ass out of the chair by picking it up and tipping her out. She got up and turned around and shoved me, so I shoved her back. We ended up in a tussle with hair pulling and whatnot. Not the hot kind of chick fight, we were 12 - so get your minds out the gutter. We had to be separated and we didn't speak to each other for about 26 hours. End of story. We both agreed later on that I won the fight and over the last 20+ years, the story has grown wings and we label it as the time I kicked her ass. I didn't really.... I swear. I larve her too much.

Ok, so back to the chicken....

Shit you're gonna need:

• Chicken Breasts - however many you need to feed your gullet or the gullets of those around you.
• Panko breadcrumbs - you know the Japanese shit. Shit is ridic.
• Flour
• Goya Sazon - Corrinader and Annato flavor. Look that shit up and find it in the ethnic aisle of your local grocery sto. (I'll put a picture of it at the bottom for the white folks)
• 2 eggs, whipped up as if you were gonna scramble 'em
• Salt and peppa
• Canola oil for frying.
• a big ziplock baggies

Don't ask me to give you measurements please. It all depends on how many pieces of chicken you have. If you use a pound or 2 of chicken, then you're probably use like 1.5 cups of panko and like a cup of flour. Eyeball that ish.

Shit you're gonna do:

1st, cut up, de-fat your chicken and if they're big thick pieces, slice them in half lengthwise so they don't take forever to cook thoroughly. Stick them on a plate, or on a cutting board or something.

Then take your panko breadcrumbs and dump them into a large ziplock bag, same with the flour. I'd say the ratio you need to use is like 1 1/2 panko to 1 flour. If you've ever breaded and fried chicken before, you'll know how much looks like you have enough. Don't sweat it, it's not an exact science people - it's just fried chicken. Along with the panko crumbs and flour, shake some salt and pepper in there and then 1 packet of Goya Sazon. I hope that you can find this shit where you live... it's a common staple in like ALL Latin cooking. So if you don't have it at your local grocery store, you probably are surrounded by white people. If you're missing this ingredient, give up now - won't be the same. Once all the ingredients are in the ziplock, zip that shit up nice and tight and throw it around so it's mixed nice and evenly.

Take the 2 eggs and whip them up in a large bowl as if you're making scrambled eggs.

Get a big frying pan out and fill it up with canola oil to get ready to fry. I prefer canola because it's better for me, apparently. You can use vegetable oil too, I'll never know. And if you're rich, use EVOO. I use a huge plug in frying pan for this typically, I've also used my fry daddy or whatever it's called - either one will do the job.

Dip your chicken in the egg wash and coat it nicely, make sure it's all nice and wet. Yeah buddy. I use a fork to do this because egg wash on my hands grosses me the fuck out. Then take the washed up chicken and throw it in that bag of breadcrumb mixture. Zip it tight and then toss the chicken around in there so it's nice and coated. You can save some time by putting more than one piece of chicken in the ziplock at a time, but then it gets kinda messy. So if you're not in a rush, do them one by one.

Using your fork, grab the coated up chicken out of the ziplock. You can use your hands too, but um yuck. How hard is that shit to get off your fingers? No thanks.

Stick the chicken pieces, one by one, into the hot oil and fry 'em up until nice and crispy and brown. If you've ever cooked chicken before, you'll know what done fried chicken looks like. If not, you may want to go back to having Lucky Charms for dinner and the occasional baked potato.

You can serve this with anything your little heart desires. Since your oil is hot, you could cut up some potatoes and make homemade french fries. Or serve it with rice. Or stick it on some lettuce with some ranch dressing and have a helluva fried chicken salad.

Let me know how it turns out if you try to make it!

Goya Corrinader and Annoto seasoning. You should have this spice on-hand at ALL times.

Summer's Eve Chicken

The boyfriend and I are huge fans of salt and vinegar chips. If you aren’t, you need to grow some balls, toughen up your taste buds, and be a grown up. Same goes for eating broccoli.

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 Chicken Cutlets (I’m no expert on meat, well…maybe I am. But I believe that chicken cutlets are just thinned out chicken breasts. Yes? I used these because I didn’t want the chicken to cook unevenly and I didn’t want to cut anything myself. Lazy? You bet. The eight year old had baseball practice and the five year old was flinging a friggin’ rubber frog around the damn kitchen while I’m carrying on a conversation with the boyfriend. I needed shit as easy as possible here people.)

Mayonnaise (yes, mayo. Not hellman’s and not salad dressing. Just good ‘ol fattening, oil and egg, preservative filled mayo.)

A big bag of salt and vinegar chips (Now, my favorite s&v chips are the Cape Cod brand, but I was afraid that was a little too fancy and they were a little too thick and fucking expensive. Not that I’m afraid of anything to thick and all, I just knew that cheap Lay’s brand would be easier. With a name like “lay’s” I’m assuming everything is easy. Ha!

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 350. Cover a baking a sheet with aluminum foil and spray it with some Kitchen KY (those of you who are new need to know that Kitchen KY is actually non-stick cooking spray.)

I had the five year old take his Pre-K frustrations and the inevitable time out he received today out on this poor bag of chips. I poured the entire bag into a big Ziploc bag and had him crush them up with a rolling pin. He was more than obliged to do such a task. God help us when he’s fifteen. He’s totally gonna be the kid that says “Hey…let’s jump off the roof of the house and into the pool.” and I’ll get a call and respond with “Sorry officer. I’ll be there in 15 min to pick him up.” Super proud.

So, once it’s all crushed, I poured the chips onto a plate and had the mayo on another. Put a thin layer of mayo on a piece of chicken (you’re gonna have to get your fingers a little dirty here princess) and then coat it in the crushed chips. Repeat with the other cutlets and bake for 30 min.

The mayo keeps things moist (insert dirty joke here) and the chips give it that crunch that you crave when your drunk ass drives up to taco bell at 2am. Admit it. You’ve been there.

Seriously ya’ll…that’s it. No flipping, no searing, and certainly not a lot of prep. Let me know how it turns out!

The Eskimo Sister

Back before the hubs (which is now the ex-hubs) was dating me, there was this girl; and we’ll refer to her as “Sprite”. She knows why, hehe. Well, since the hubs and I are now exes, Sprite and I have become friends. I assure you that’s a way longer story than I care to tell, but she’s pretty bad ass. This recipe is dedicated and named after her. Since she dated the ex-hubs before me, she is considered my “Eskimo sister”. Look that slang shit up. I had no idea about this fucking gross ass term and guess who told it to me? The ex-hubs. Moving on…

Shit you’re gonna need:

30 oreo cookies (use generic. I even use the gluten free oreos and it works fine)

1 stick of butter, melted (I know you’re shocked I’m using butter and I’m sure your butt cheeks puckered)

8oz of softened cream cheese (just a reminder: take your finger and poke it into the fattest part of your thigh and that’s what your cream cheese should feel like when it’s softened)

1 cup of powdered sugar

1 cup of frozen cool-whip (don’t use the generic. You know I’m a cheap ass, but trust me, don’t skimp on this shit. It’s like…$0.30 extra. I’ll make a list one day of the name brand stuff I use because I assure you, that list is really fucking small. Just like this date I once went on…)

3 oz. package of chocolate instant pudding

2 cups milk (the package recommends two cups, but honestly, I like my things a bit on the “stiff” side, so I use 1 ½ cups…teehee)

The rest of the cool whip

Shit you’re gonna do:

You’re gonna need to crush those cookies and you have a few choices on how to accomplish that. You could put them in a Ziploc bag and beat them like a pissed crack whore at taco bell (the boyfriend witnessed an “incident” at taco bell where a crack whore was a little too passionate about her fucking burritos and that’s where that term came from…true story). Or you could take those cookies and get out your $350 food processor that you never use and cuss out your sink that it’s too small for shit like that to fit for cleaning or better yet, you could crush them in eight batches in a small food chopper, like I did.

Once they’re chopped, pour in your butter, mix and then press that shit into a 9x13 pan. Stick this in the freezer while you’re working on the rest of this shit. It’s got a few fucking steps. It’s worth it. Just like kegel exercises, it’ll help.

Now mix together your softened cream cheese, the powdered sugar and, your cup of expensive ass cool whhhhip. (Anyone ever see that episode of Family Guy where Stewie emphasizes the “h” in cool whhhhhip? Funny shit right there.)
It’s all mixed, now take out your crust and pour this shit on top. It’s going to have the consistency of marshmallow fluff. And yes, it’s gonna stick to the bowl you mixed it in. Just warning you before you start cussing me out when you’re doing the dishes. But when you’re spreading this, go easy. The crust isn’t firmly set. And well…it’s much easier to work with a firm set. Can I get an “amen”? Word.

Stick this shit in the fridge and let’s make the pudding. I swear to the belly of Buddha, I talk like Bill Cosby every fucking time I make pudding. I can’t help myself. Just like when Barry Manilow comes on the radio, I can’t help but sing at the top of my fucking lungs. Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got kicked out of a Barry Manilow concert? If I didn’t, make sure you comment below so I can write that up. It’s one hell of a story. Where were we? Oh yeah. Pudding. Whisk the pudding mix and the milk together for about two minutes and then pour over the cream cheese mixture. Now your hungry ass is gonna have to sit for an hour and let it set in the fridge. I know. It sucks like a fucking hoover, but trust me, again, it’s worth it. But not like the last episode of Newhart, where you'll end up saying, “What the fuck? A damn dream? Fuck you, writers of the show. Assholes.” Sorry, I’m just a little bitter about THAT and the ending of Dallas. I’ll probably get over it in the year 2018. Check back then. You WILL be thankful you waited for this dessert though.
So, once this is set, spread over the top the rest of your cool whhhhip and dig in. I wouldn’t recommend getting a bowl because you will shovel this shit straight from the pan right into your pie hole. Love you all!

Asian Meaty-balls

I'll start off by saying that I'm not Asian. My husband has "thing" for Asian women, so it makes me almost immediately hate gorgeous Asian ladies... but that's a story for another time. And if your're a gorgeous Asian woman, hope you understand.

In a rush to get a delectable and healthy-ish dish on the table in a hurry for my girls earlier this week, I ran to my pantry to see what the fuck I could throw in with some defrosted ground turkey meat. My younger daughter has a fucking stopwatch that she pulls out at 6:30pm on the dot each night and gets pretty panicked if dinner isn't be served, I knew I had to move fast!

Not sure that every house has things like fish sauce, soy sauce, and terriyaki sauce just hanging around the pantry - but we don't fuck around at my house. We've got a pantry full of random stuff and these ingredients are what stuck out that night. See my husband is a chef and he's always trying out new shit. So we have some pretty uncommon things in our house like pineapple chutney, duck livers, geranium leaves, and annatto seeds to name a few.

Shit you're gonna need:

• 1 lb of defrosted ground turkey or beef
• couple of splashes of fish sauce
• 1/2 a white onion, cut into little pieces
• 2 stalks of green onions, cut into little pieces
• couple splashes of soy sauce
• couple splashes of terriyaki sauce
• 1/2 - 3/4 cup of panko bread crumbs
• 1 egg, for binding and shit
• sesame oil

Shit you're gonna do:

Now, 1st off, please don't bitch at me that the ingredients are complicated and you don't have any of them and this recipe requires a run to the store. I understand this and I apologize. But seriously, I told you we had weird shit from the start of this recipe. Let's continue....

Throw the pound of meat you have into a big ass bowl. Take all the other ingredients, except the sesame oil and throw all that shit in there too. Take off your wedding rings and get your hands a little dirty and really give this shit a good, thorough squishy mix. Make sure you remember to put your rings back on so that the next day at work no one is talking shit behind your back about how they saw your divorce coming long before you ever did. That'd be fucked up. If your meat mixture is a bit too soft because of all the liquid you've put in, throw some more Panko in there to toughen it up a little.

Use a biggish skillet, pour some sesame oil in there and get it nice and hot. I cook everything on med-hi to high on my stove top. One of the key ways to ensure your shit is cooked up real good is by making sure that your pan is super hot. Bring your bowl to the stove and start making some meatballs and sticking them in the hot oil. Don't be a dumb ass and burn yourself with hot oil, that shit sucks.

Watch your meaty balls like a hawk and when they're starting to brown nice and crispy on one side, flip those fuckers over and give some equal love to the still raw side. Do this for like 15-20 until they're cooked all the way through. I suppose you could also throw these little babies in the oven and drizzle them with sesame oil, but that's not the way I'd do. To each their own I say.

Voila - that's it. Asian Meaty Balls. I serve these little bad boys with some white rice and if I have some coconut milk in my pantry (which I normally do of course), then I serve them with coconut rice instead. Easy way to do that is just replace the water you'd use when making your rice with coconut milk. Shit is ridiculous.

Enjoy!

(ps - I stole the picture above from the internets b/c I forgot to take one of my own meat balls - so sue me)