Pink Taco Pizza

Friend: “What recipe are you posting next?”

Me: “Pink taco pizza.”

Friend: “That’s my favorite kind.”

Me: “You’ve had pink taco pizza?”

Friend: “Nope. I stopped listening after ‘pink taco’.”

I’ve got good friends.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 lb. of ground beef

Taco seasoning (you can buy the premeasured packets, but I have a jar of the premade concoction. That’s how much I use it. So, if you have the jar, use the measurement they give you. I would give it to you, but what’s the point? You’ll look at the jar anyways. So, why should I get my fat ass off the couch to go look.)

Pizza crust (As you can see in the picture, I used the Pillsbury premade stuff. It’s easy, but not cheap. Kinda like an exgirlfriend.)

Can of refried beans (You’re more than welcome to use fat free, but why? You’re using sour cream and cheese, what the hell would make the difference if you used fat free beans? Think you’ll save an artery? Not a chance.)

Cheese (I would suggest using the taco flavored kind, or a Mexican blend of some sort. Gouda won’t work here, people.)

Shredded lettuce

Tomatoes

‘bout half a cup of sour cream

Cholula hot sauce (You can find this in the Mexican food aisle. There’s a picture of a hot Mexican lady on it. Kinda like the Chiquita banana chick.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 425. Spread out your pizza dough into a rectangle on an aluminum foil lined pan hosed down with kitchen ky and bake for about eight minutes.

While that’s getting half baked (don’t worry pot heads, we’ll get this shit fully baked in no time), brown your meat, drain and rinse and then put in back in your skillet and add your taco seasoning with HALF the water it suggests you use. You don’t want this watery and getting all gushy on your pizza dough.

When your dough is half baked, spread on your refried beans. Honestly, I have about ¼ of the can left when I do this. If beans are your thing, then slather it on. You can dutch oven your kids when dinner is over. Not that I do that or anything. Moms don’t fart.

After your beans, add your meat and cheese and then bake for another 8-10 minutes or so. While this is cooking, you’ll need to make your pink sauce. Start with about half a cup of sour cream and add your Cholula sauce until it’s pink. But if you’re a wuss and you can’t handle hot, I would keep checking to make sure it doesn’t get too spicy for you. But for me? I have balls, so I keep my shit spicy. Like all Mexican women should be.

(white alien looking arm...niiiiiiiiiiice)

When your pizza is done baking, add your lettuce and tomato…please notice that only half of my pizza has tomato on it because the boyfriend doesn’t like tomato. No problem. Less for me to cut and more for me to eat. I’m a good girlfriend like that.

Now add your sauce. I would just drizzle it on in a zig zag motion and then keep enough on the side for dipping. LOVE to dip. I’m a total dipper. Skinny dipper, sauce dipper, whatever…

Kick Ass Fried Chicken

So I named this chicken Kick Ass for 2 reasons. 1) it really is kick ass, and delicious too. 2) it gives me the opportunity to tell you all about the time that I kicked D1’s ass. See what I did there?

So D1 and I met September of '88 in the 6th grade. Shit, we're getting old. We're still hot though, believe it. Anyway.... we became fast friends and immediate lifers. We soon were having sleepovers, spending Spring Break and summer vacations together. Sweet shit, huh? The summer between 7th and 8th grade we spent the 1st part of the summer in a day camp and the 2nd part at my grandmother's house.

Our moms took turns taking us to the day camp, where we just basically fucked around all day and maybe did some gymnastics and shit. So one day, we were sitting watching some boys play basketball outside. I was sitting in the only chair that was out there. I got up to go and pee and when I got back, D1 was sitting in my chair. So I told her to get up. She basically told me to go fly a kite, that she wasn't moving. We got into a verbal confrontation that ended with me dumping her skinny ass out of the chair by picking it up and tipping her out. She got up and turned around and shoved me, so I shoved her back. We ended up in a tussle with hair pulling and whatnot. Not the hot kind of chick fight, we were 12 - so get your minds out the gutter. We had to be separated and we didn't speak to each other for about 26 hours. End of story. We both agreed later on that I won the fight and over the last 20+ years, the story has grown wings and we label it as the time I kicked her ass. I didn't really.... I swear. I larve her too much.

Ok, so back to the chicken....

Shit you're gonna need:

• Chicken Breasts - however many you need to feed your gullet or the gullets of those around you.
• Panko breadcrumbs - you know the Japanese shit. Shit is ridic.
• Flour
• Goya Sazon - Corrinader and Annato flavor. Look that shit up and find it in the ethnic aisle of your local grocery sto. (I'll put a picture of it at the bottom for the white folks)
• 2 eggs, whipped up as if you were gonna scramble 'em
• Salt and peppa
• Canola oil for frying.
• a big ziplock baggies

Don't ask me to give you measurements please. It all depends on how many pieces of chicken you have. If you use a pound or 2 of chicken, then you're probably use like 1.5 cups of panko and like a cup of flour. Eyeball that ish.

Shit you're gonna do:

1st, cut up, de-fat your chicken and if they're big thick pieces, slice them in half lengthwise so they don't take forever to cook thoroughly. Stick them on a plate, or on a cutting board or something.

Then take your panko breadcrumbs and dump them into a large ziplock bag, same with the flour. I'd say the ratio you need to use is like 1 1/2 panko to 1 flour. If you've ever breaded and fried chicken before, you'll know how much looks like you have enough. Don't sweat it, it's not an exact science people - it's just fried chicken. Along with the panko crumbs and flour, shake some salt and pepper in there and then 1 packet of Goya Sazon. I hope that you can find this shit where you live... it's a common staple in like ALL Latin cooking. So if you don't have it at your local grocery store, you probably are surrounded by white people. If you're missing this ingredient, give up now - won't be the same. Once all the ingredients are in the ziplock, zip that shit up nice and tight and throw it around so it's mixed nice and evenly.

Take the 2 eggs and whip them up in a large bowl as if you're making scrambled eggs.

Get a big frying pan out and fill it up with canola oil to get ready to fry. I prefer canola because it's better for me, apparently. You can use vegetable oil too, I'll never know. And if you're rich, use EVOO. I use a huge plug in frying pan for this typically, I've also used my fry daddy or whatever it's called - either one will do the job.

Dip your chicken in the egg wash and coat it nicely, make sure it's all nice and wet. Yeah buddy. I use a fork to do this because egg wash on my hands grosses me the fuck out. Then take the washed up chicken and throw it in that bag of breadcrumb mixture. Zip it tight and then toss the chicken around in there so it's nice and coated. You can save some time by putting more than one piece of chicken in the ziplock at a time, but then it gets kinda messy. So if you're not in a rush, do them one by one.

Using your fork, grab the coated up chicken out of the ziplock. You can use your hands too, but um yuck. How hard is that shit to get off your fingers? No thanks.

Stick the chicken pieces, one by one, into the hot oil and fry 'em up until nice and crispy and brown. If you've ever cooked chicken before, you'll know what done fried chicken looks like. If not, you may want to go back to having Lucky Charms for dinner and the occasional baked potato.

You can serve this with anything your little heart desires. Since your oil is hot, you could cut up some potatoes and make homemade french fries. Or serve it with rice. Or stick it on some lettuce with some ranch dressing and have a helluva fried chicken salad.

Let me know how it turns out if you try to make it!

Goya Corrinader and Annoto seasoning. You should have this spice on-hand at ALL times.

Summer's Eve Chicken

The boyfriend and I are huge fans of salt and vinegar chips. If you aren’t, you need to grow some balls, toughen up your taste buds, and be a grown up. Same goes for eating broccoli.

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 Chicken Cutlets (I’m no expert on meat, well…maybe I am. But I believe that chicken cutlets are just thinned out chicken breasts. Yes? I used these because I didn’t want the chicken to cook unevenly and I didn’t want to cut anything myself. Lazy? You bet. The eight year old had baseball practice and the five year old was flinging a friggin’ rubber frog around the damn kitchen while I’m carrying on a conversation with the boyfriend. I needed shit as easy as possible here people.)

Mayonnaise (yes, mayo. Not hellman’s and not salad dressing. Just good ‘ol fattening, oil and egg, preservative filled mayo.)

A big bag of salt and vinegar chips (Now, my favorite s&v chips are the Cape Cod brand, but I was afraid that was a little too fancy and they were a little too thick and fucking expensive. Not that I’m afraid of anything to thick and all, I just knew that cheap Lay’s brand would be easier. With a name like “lay’s” I’m assuming everything is easy. Ha!

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 350. Cover a baking a sheet with aluminum foil and spray it with some Kitchen KY (those of you who are new need to know that Kitchen KY is actually non-stick cooking spray.)

I had the five year old take his Pre-K frustrations and the inevitable time out he received today out on this poor bag of chips. I poured the entire bag into a big Ziploc bag and had him crush them up with a rolling pin. He was more than obliged to do such a task. God help us when he’s fifteen. He’s totally gonna be the kid that says “Hey…let’s jump off the roof of the house and into the pool.” and I’ll get a call and respond with “Sorry officer. I’ll be there in 15 min to pick him up.” Super proud.

So, once it’s all crushed, I poured the chips onto a plate and had the mayo on another. Put a thin layer of mayo on a piece of chicken (you’re gonna have to get your fingers a little dirty here princess) and then coat it in the crushed chips. Repeat with the other cutlets and bake for 30 min.

The mayo keeps things moist (insert dirty joke here) and the chips give it that crunch that you crave when your drunk ass drives up to taco bell at 2am. Admit it. You’ve been there.

Seriously ya’ll…that’s it. No flipping, no searing, and certainly not a lot of prep. Let me know how it turns out!

The Eskimo Sister

Back before the hubs (which is now the ex-hubs) was dating me, there was this girl; and we’ll refer to her as “Sprite”. She knows why, hehe. Well, since the hubs and I are now exes, Sprite and I have become friends. I assure you that’s a way longer story than I care to tell, but she’s pretty bad ass. This recipe is dedicated and named after her. Since she dated the ex-hubs before me, she is considered my “Eskimo sister”. Look that slang shit up. I had no idea about this fucking gross ass term and guess who told it to me? The ex-hubs. Moving on…

Shit you’re gonna need:

30 oreo cookies (use generic. I even use the gluten free oreos and it works fine)

1 stick of butter, melted (I know you’re shocked I’m using butter and I’m sure your butt cheeks puckered)

8oz of softened cream cheese (just a reminder: take your finger and poke it into the fattest part of your thigh and that’s what your cream cheese should feel like when it’s softened)

1 cup of powdered sugar

1 cup of frozen cool-whip (don’t use the generic. You know I’m a cheap ass, but trust me, don’t skimp on this shit. It’s like…$0.30 extra. I’ll make a list one day of the name brand stuff I use because I assure you, that list is really fucking small. Just like this date I once went on…)

3 oz. package of chocolate instant pudding

2 cups milk (the package recommends two cups, but honestly, I like my things a bit on the “stiff” side, so I use 1 ½ cups…teehee)

The rest of the cool whip

Shit you’re gonna do:

You’re gonna need to crush those cookies and you have a few choices on how to accomplish that. You could put them in a Ziploc bag and beat them like a pissed crack whore at taco bell (the boyfriend witnessed an “incident” at taco bell where a crack whore was a little too passionate about her fucking burritos and that’s where that term came from…true story). Or you could take those cookies and get out your $350 food processor that you never use and cuss out your sink that it’s too small for shit like that to fit for cleaning or better yet, you could crush them in eight batches in a small food chopper, like I did.

Once they’re chopped, pour in your butter, mix and then press that shit into a 9x13 pan. Stick this in the freezer while you’re working on the rest of this shit. It’s got a few fucking steps. It’s worth it. Just like kegel exercises, it’ll help.

Now mix together your softened cream cheese, the powdered sugar and, your cup of expensive ass cool whhhhip. (Anyone ever see that episode of Family Guy where Stewie emphasizes the “h” in cool whhhhhip? Funny shit right there.)
It’s all mixed, now take out your crust and pour this shit on top. It’s going to have the consistency of marshmallow fluff. And yes, it’s gonna stick to the bowl you mixed it in. Just warning you before you start cussing me out when you’re doing the dishes. But when you’re spreading this, go easy. The crust isn’t firmly set. And well…it’s much easier to work with a firm set. Can I get an “amen”? Word.

Stick this shit in the fridge and let’s make the pudding. I swear to the belly of Buddha, I talk like Bill Cosby every fucking time I make pudding. I can’t help myself. Just like when Barry Manilow comes on the radio, I can’t help but sing at the top of my fucking lungs. Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got kicked out of a Barry Manilow concert? If I didn’t, make sure you comment below so I can write that up. It’s one hell of a story. Where were we? Oh yeah. Pudding. Whisk the pudding mix and the milk together for about two minutes and then pour over the cream cheese mixture. Now your hungry ass is gonna have to sit for an hour and let it set in the fridge. I know. It sucks like a fucking hoover, but trust me, again, it’s worth it. But not like the last episode of Newhart, where you'll end up saying, “What the fuck? A damn dream? Fuck you, writers of the show. Assholes.” Sorry, I’m just a little bitter about THAT and the ending of Dallas. I’ll probably get over it in the year 2018. Check back then. You WILL be thankful you waited for this dessert though.
So, once this is set, spread over the top the rest of your cool whhhhip and dig in. I wouldn’t recommend getting a bowl because you will shovel this shit straight from the pan right into your pie hole. Love you all!

Asian Meaty-balls

I'll start off by saying that I'm not Asian. My husband has "thing" for Asian women, so it makes me almost immediately hate gorgeous Asian ladies... but that's a story for another time. And if your're a gorgeous Asian woman, hope you understand.

In a rush to get a delectable and healthy-ish dish on the table in a hurry for my girls earlier this week, I ran to my pantry to see what the fuck I could throw in with some defrosted ground turkey meat. My younger daughter has a fucking stopwatch that she pulls out at 6:30pm on the dot each night and gets pretty panicked if dinner isn't be served, I knew I had to move fast!

Not sure that every house has things like fish sauce, soy sauce, and terriyaki sauce just hanging around the pantry - but we don't fuck around at my house. We've got a pantry full of random stuff and these ingredients are what stuck out that night. See my husband is a chef and he's always trying out new shit. So we have some pretty uncommon things in our house like pineapple chutney, duck livers, geranium leaves, and annatto seeds to name a few.

Shit you're gonna need:

• 1 lb of defrosted ground turkey or beef
• couple of splashes of fish sauce
• 1/2 a white onion, cut into little pieces
• 2 stalks of green onions, cut into little pieces
• couple splashes of soy sauce
• couple splashes of terriyaki sauce
• 1/2 - 3/4 cup of panko bread crumbs
• 1 egg, for binding and shit
• sesame oil

Shit you're gonna do:

Now, 1st off, please don't bitch at me that the ingredients are complicated and you don't have any of them and this recipe requires a run to the store. I understand this and I apologize. But seriously, I told you we had weird shit from the start of this recipe. Let's continue....

Throw the pound of meat you have into a big ass bowl. Take all the other ingredients, except the sesame oil and throw all that shit in there too. Take off your wedding rings and get your hands a little dirty and really give this shit a good, thorough squishy mix. Make sure you remember to put your rings back on so that the next day at work no one is talking shit behind your back about how they saw your divorce coming long before you ever did. That'd be fucked up. If your meat mixture is a bit too soft because of all the liquid you've put in, throw some more Panko in there to toughen it up a little.

Use a biggish skillet, pour some sesame oil in there and get it nice and hot. I cook everything on med-hi to high on my stove top. One of the key ways to ensure your shit is cooked up real good is by making sure that your pan is super hot. Bring your bowl to the stove and start making some meatballs and sticking them in the hot oil. Don't be a dumb ass and burn yourself with hot oil, that shit sucks.

Watch your meaty balls like a hawk and when they're starting to brown nice and crispy on one side, flip those fuckers over and give some equal love to the still raw side. Do this for like 15-20 until they're cooked all the way through. I suppose you could also throw these little babies in the oven and drizzle them with sesame oil, but that's not the way I'd do. To each their own I say.

Voila - that's it. Asian Meaty Balls. I serve these little bad boys with some white rice and if I have some coconut milk in my pantry (which I normally do of course), then I serve them with coconut rice instead. Easy way to do that is just replace the water you'd use when making your rice with coconut milk. Shit is ridiculous.

Enjoy!

(ps - I stole the picture above from the internets b/c I forgot to take one of my own meat balls - so sue me)

So these bitches got in a fight...

and it made me hungry…

Two people walk into a bar (obviously one of those people is me.) We order our drinks and before I could squeeze the second lime into my vodka tonic, a female guard wearing a “Security” jacket in an ungodly shade of lime green comes running through the bar yelling “FIGHT!!!” My memory instantly jumps back to high school when some nosey bitch yells it out in the cafeteria and everyone scurries like hyenas to see which asshole is getting the shit beat out of them over something as stupid as the last piece of Mexican pizza.

Get this. The fight is taking place in the girl’s bathroom. Coming from someone who has to pee about 937 times a day, THIS is the time that I don’t have to “go.” Are you fucking kidding me? I’m dying…just DYING to get a picture of blood on the tile grout from in there to post on Facebook. I’d have to get past Barney Fife, a fat ass eating fried pickles and an actual real life cop. Of course this is the night that I decide to not wear my slutty policewoman outfit, much to my friend’s chagrin. I mean, since I wear it to the grocery store and all…

My buzz sets in and two middle aged frazzled, yet also buzzed women walk up to the bar and re-tell their story of how they were in the bathroom when this debacle began. Grasping their chest in amazement because they’ve “never seen such a thing” and this is just “all too much for them”, they tell us that there were in fact three women in this bar brawl. Fucking bonus! I can’t WAIT until these bitches come hobbling out so I can get a good look. I look at my friend and we start taking bets about what they might look like. Bets placed…we wait.

My vodka is now gone and we start to see some more action. They’re coming out. It’s like that feeling you get when Mario Lopez is opening the envelope for the next Miss America. “Second runner up…Glenda Buster Cherry! First runner up…Barb E. Dahl!”

First girl comes out. She’s wearing a corset that’s not only too tight but attached to it is a pink tutu. That’s right people. She got in a fight wearing a tutu. You gotta be a tough bitch to hold your own wearing that shit.

Second girl comes out. I’m not sure if the teeth she was missing was before the fight or after. And was the shirt she was wearing off-the-shoulder and torn previous to this event? This one stumped me. No blood, but she probably had to get her “hair did” the next day to fix the mess in the back. No doubt there was a chunk missing.

And so we wait for the third person to walk out. We would’ve waited forever because…wait for it……………………the third girl ROLLED out. A fucking wheelchair – awesome! Seriously. And folks. I have a feeling SHE was the winner. I’m not even sure how you would handcuff her but I’m sure she had a pretty good reason for wanting to tear those bitches up. You just don't fuck with someone in a wheelchair. Bad karma right there I tell ya. But there are still so many questions left unanswered. How did she do it? Did she have a whiffle ball bat hidden somewhere? And what actually pissed her off? I didn’t have the balls to ask her, so I guess we’ll never know. But this all made me pretty hungry.

Leaving the bar we spot a “Korean BBQ Tacos” food cart. I couldn’t resist. Must. Have. Korean. Tacos that is. I honestly can’t remember if I had beef or pork, but the shit was awesome. One day, I’ll tell you the tale of a twirled fried potato on a stick and all the innuendos that came along with ordering one.

Corndogalicious

Alright. I’m fucking addicted to Pinterest. Of course I “pin” all this shit I wanna do, but never end up doing it. I just waste four hours oooohing and ahhhhing over crap that I’m all “hell! I can do that.” And these corn dog muffins were one of them. So, today I said “fuck it. I’m making these bitches.”

My four year old thinks that corn dogs come straight from the hand of Jesus. But I imagine that like with most kids, you put something on a stick, they’ll eat the hell out of it. Deep fry that shit and dip it in ketchup and the world stops. Think they could do that to Brussels sprouts?

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of Jiffy corn muffin mix

One egg

1/3 cup of milk

4 ¼ hot dogs (I’ll get to the Algebra on this shit later.) (And no, I didn’t buy the organic all natural bullshit ones. I bought ballpark. Deal with it.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 400. Mix your corn muffin stuff, egg and milk. Now when I say “mix” I mean just stir until it’s moistened. Those little bastards of lump will cook out. Trust me like you trust Charlie Sheen. Wait a minute…

Moving on. Now spray your muffin tin down with kitchen ky. And a lot of it my friend. Then add the mix about ½ way in each tin. This shit is gonna puff up when you put the hot dog in and it’ll rise a little when baking. It’ll make about eight muffins. Not enough to feed the fucking neighborhood, but enough to where one of your best friends’ kid comes over and his eyes pop out of his head at the site of a hot dog in the shape of a muffin wrapped in corn goodness. Best. Feeling. Ever.

So, once you’ve got the mix in the tins, you’re gonna have to call your old trigonometry teacher and ask her what the fuck I mean. I say that, but honestly, I never took trig. I barely passed basic math. Failed Chemistry and barely passed geometry because me and my friend Megan would skip class to go to Taco Bell. Fucking miss high school. Damn those were good times.

Where the fuck was I? Oh, pouring my third glass of wine…

So, you’re gonna need to cut your hot dog in 4ths and put two of the 4ths in each muffin tin. I have no idea how else to explain that. Can’t figure it out, tough shit. The picture will work. And if you did it right, you’ll have 3 ¾ of hot dogs left. Did your head spin off yet?

Bake for about 15-19 minutes. I baked mine for about 22 and they were a bit crumbly. So, I think undercooking them a smidge, would help them stay together better. It didn’t stop all of us from shoving them in our pie holes and eating with a fork now did it?

Enjoy!

Action oven shot!
Done!