Easter Egg Nests (a recipe brought to you by D2)

Yup, that’s right --- I’m gonna teach you how to make wittle nests that can be a part of your Easter dinner. Your little sweethearts will just gobble this shit up. And if they don’t, you can hide in the coat closet when your family comes over on Sunday and shove a bunch into your gullet while no one’s watching. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. What’s better than Rice Krispies treats made with chocolate? Topping them with mini-eggs made by Cadbury is what. Can I get a hell yea?

Shit you’re gonna need:

• 3 cups Rice Krispies (you can get the generic shit –ok with me)


• 1 cup good quality semisweet chocolate chips (as in like Ghirardelli, now’s not the time to be a cheap fucker)


• 3 tablespoons butter (oh hell yea)


• 2 tablespoons golden syrup


• A big bag of Cadbury Mini-eggs (get the big bag because if you’re like me, you’ll eat half that fucking bag before they ever make it onto the nests themselves)
  

Shit you’re gonna do:

Dump the Rice Krispies into a bowl and set it aside. Fight the urge to snap, crackle, pop those mothers. Put the chocolate chips into a saucepan with the butter and syrup and melt over a low/medium heat. Don’t burn this shit, ok? And be patient – because the temp is so low, it might take a little while. My advice? Pour yourself a glass of wine and hide in the kitchen claiming to be baking up a storm. Your husband and kids will never know. Tell them it’s a huge Easter surprise to keep them out of the kitchen. Now you can squeeze in an extra glass or two. You’re welcome bitches.

Once that shit is melted, fold it into the bowl of Rice Krispies that you have waiting for you on the counter. You can still do this is you’re tipsy, don’t worry. It’s ok to pinch off a bite and taste it – delish huh? Once it’s all mixed up, spoon the mixture onto a cookie sheet that is lined with Wax paper. Make sure to create a little dip in the middle. You can do it, I know it!

Now take your Cadbury eggs, and put a few in the center of the “nest” --- how many you put depends on a) how big your nests are and b) how many you have left. I’m a fat ass, so I usually put 3 per nest and eat the rest of the bag. Now once you’ve made all your little nests with eggs, throw those fuckers in the fridge overnight to chill. The night is still young, so stick the kids in bed and take advantage of your buzz. And by take advantage, I mean, let your husband take advantage of you.

When its time to remove your Easter egg nests, peel them away from the wax paper with care! Serve them chilled and enjoy!

ps - the picture above is stolen from the internets - let's not kid ourselves people. I don't own and fucking serving plates that look like that.

Mega fucking easy chicken parmesean

Hubs gave up carbs which means my ass has to come up with shit that doesn’t include King’s Hawaiian Rolls. Aren’t those little mother fuckers heaven?

So, I came up with this…well, I probably didn’t come up with it, but in MY head I did. Just go with me on this one.

Have you seen these? (disclaimer: I’m not being paid by that dork on the perdue commercials to promote these. I say “dork” but that bastard is one rich mother fucker, right?!)

They’re expensive as hell so I always walk right past them. BUT my little loves, I had a coupon. Plopped that shit right in the cart and didn’t think twice. Best part? There was another coupon on the actual bag! Holla!!!! It took off $4. What the what?? Get in my belly!

These breasts you can literally put in the oven frozen. Here’s why that’s good news to me: because I’m the type of person that will leave chicken in the fridge, getting really fucking lazy, forget about them and head to Chick-fil-a. Shit ends up right in the garbage. Errrrrrrgh. SO, without having to thaw anything, I’m as golden as Betty White circa 1987.

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 of those frozen chicken breasts (mind you, the little shits are hard to get open. Brace yourself and don’t give up.)

One sliced tomato (you won’t use the whole thing, so throw the rest on a fucking turkey sandwich tomorrow and do the happy dance until the girl in the cubicle next to you calls HR on your crazy ass.)

2 cups of mozzarella cheese (You might not use two cups, but then again, you might. I’m cautioning on the side of error. Is that how you say that weird as saying? I don’t really give a shit.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

I wanna say that the bag says cook them at 375. But I could be wrong. Double check and get back to me on that one. Lay your chicken on a baking sheet that’s been sprayed with Kitchen KY and cook these little fuckers for about 20 minutes. When they’re done, take them out, throw on a few slices of tomato and then pile on the mozzarella. Put ‘em back in for about 6-7 and whammo. Dinner’s done. And I assure you, these little shits are as moist as a homeless mans’ armpit in July. Yeah, I went there.

Smoked Fatty

I think I promised you this recipe about 32 years ago, so here goes…

Hubs made this for an annual kick ass superbowl party hosted by some of our closest friends. People in Montana know about it, President Obama was invited and when we turned away Robert Downey Jr. you know it’s a good time that’ll give you a hiney tingle. It’s a party where you pretty much hydrate yourself the morning before because you know your drunk ass will regret that 14^th jello shot. Trust me. I speak from experience.

This smoked fatty is cooked in our smoker. Duh. But there’s ways to do it on the grill. I’m not familiar with those ways because I have no fucking clue how to work the grill, nor do I ever want to know how. I’d like to keep my eyebrows thank you very much. I also scream like a girl when a flame shoots up. But anyhoo…

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground sausage (Those jimmy dean blunt rolls. Round, stocky and firm. Kind of like the hubs.)

1 lb. of thick cut bacon (again, kind of like the hubs. But don’t get that thin slimy shit that falls apart. Hubs sent me out two different times to get EXACTLY what he wanted. But here’s what I don’t understand. He goes to the store and buys me the wrong kind of fabric softener and he says ‘deal with it’. How fucking fair is that? Sorry, I’m a stuck up snot ass about fabric softener. I’m also kind of a bitch about where the sponge goes after washing dishes. Being married to me is no picnic.)

Rib rub (Any kind of pork dry rub will do. He uses some shit in a jar that’s premixed. I’m sure you can make your own, but why take the time people, I’d rather use that time to slice cucumbers for my vodka tonic. Yes, I said cucumbers. Try it.)

5 slices of pepper jack cheese (yes, exactly five. Just go with the hubs on this one. He’s freaking type A. He’s a perfectionist, which I take as a compliment because I’m perfect and he picked me.)

Half of a red pepper (chop that shit up baby)

Half of a green pepper (again, chop that shit up baby. And put the left over shit in a frittata or something. You can also freeze it to deal with later.)

¼ of a chopped large yellow onion (again, put it in a frittata or freeze it.)

1 jalapeño seeded and chopped (if you wear contacts or you appreciate the gift of sight, do not touch your face or put your grubby fingers anywhere near your eyes until you wash your hands after this method. It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve burned the fuck out of my eyeballs.)

Other bullshit you’ll need:

1 large gallon Ziploc bag

Long ass strip of waxed paper

Fucking enormous cutting board

Rolling Pin

Shit you’re gonna do:

Hubs made his fatty the night before and then in the morning he dealt with all the bullshit of actually heating up the smoker and putting the chips in it. If you’re familiar with using a smoker…good for you. I’m not. This is a recipe for the actual meat, not a lesson on using a smoker. Hubs wants to give credit to the site he learned this from. It will help you more than my drunk ass with making the bacon weave and any tips for a dry rub and any other bullshit I can’t explain. http://www.smoking-meat.com/january-2010-bacon-wrapped-stuffed-sausage-fatty.html I need to point out that this website is named “smoking meat” and I can’t help but think of porn movie title. I’m so fucking immature.

First, make your bacon weave. Sweet mother hubbard, that shit is hard to explain, so please, again, go on the website I mentioned above and see the detailed explanation of how it’s done. One vodka tonic too many tonight…sorry folks. Once you make this, put it aside and hold on to the new panties you got at Fredricks.

Next, put your sausage in your Ziploc bag, lay it on your big ass strip of wax paper and take a rolling pin to roll it out. This to me is fucking brilliant. I’m using this method the next time I make homemade pizza dough or anything else square that I need to roll out. Again, brilliant…I’m still shocked that a man came up with that idea. Or, I mean, it could’ve been his wife, but he didn’t give her credit for it. Shocker. If you get an air pocket, just open a little of the bag to let the air out. Cut the bag off once you’re done and add your fillings which are the slices of cheese, the peppers and onions and your jalapeño. Make sure you put your fillings on the bottom half of the sausage so all that shit doesn’t fall out every where. And so you can’t say “I wish you would’ve told me that.” I did. So there.

Roll up your sausage like a tight doobie. You’ll need to pinch the edges or you’ll get a blowout or a queef, whichever definition your dirty ass mind prefers then place it on your bacon weave and then again, roll it up. Now put this in your smoker until it reaches 165 or about 2-3 hours. And once your fatty is done, broil it at 500 degrees until the bacon is a little crispy. Watch that shit like a hawk or it’ll burn quicker than you can say “Charlie Sheen is a total fuck up.” (too soon?)

Let the meat rest for about 10 minutes, slice that shit up and wait for marriage proposals from women you just met. Or at least that’s what happened to the hubs. “Back off bitch, he does laundry and he’s taken.” Yeah. I said it.

Arti-Choke Her Out Dip (D2)

So I’m a big fan of that spinach and artichoke dip that you can get at most fine eating establishments, even the one that you can get at a cheap ass restaurant for $3.99. I ain’t picky when it comes to cheesy goodness that you can stick on a fucking tortilla chip. So I came up with my own version, sans the spinach because I just can’t get that shit right and it ends up kinda weird. Don’t worry, this dip won’t disappoint. And if you’re serving it in the right place, you’ll have some drunk guy follow you around all night telling you that your dip makes his penis tingle. Happened to me, no shit.

Shit you’re gonna need:

• 1 cup of parmesan cheese (the cheap shit is what you need)


• 1 cup of very fattening mayonnaise (don’t get no fat free shit, k?)


• 1 cup of very fattening sour cream (let’s get serious, sour cream is meant to be fattening. Don’t get that “part-skim”, or “low-calorie” bullshit. Man up)


• 1 can of artichokes in water (not just the hearts either)

Shit you’re gonna do:
Shit you’re gonna do: First heat your oven up to like 350 degrees. I can’t tell you how many fucking times I’ve thrown all my shit together and the goddamn oven is cold. Shit pisses me off.

Take the artichokes out of the can and choke those bitches out. Get out some anger on these fuckers because you know you can’t really choke your kids now matter how much they annoy you. Or your husband for asking what you did all day since dinner isn’t ready at 6:30pm. Let those artichokes pay, they won’t mind. Make sure your artichokes basically have no liquid left in them or you’ll regret it, trust me.

When you’re done doing that, rip those little fuckers to shreds. I know this dip seems angry, but it will have a happy ending (hardy har har). Upon ripping, stick them in a mixing bowl of some kind. Now, measure out a cup of each of the remaining ingredients and mix all that shit together. Look nasty and weird? Good, now carry on.

Get a pan of some kind that will fit this concoction, something similar to what you’d cook some brownies in will do. If you’re headed to a party, you could use one of those aluminum disposable thingys so you can leave that bitch there when you sneak out because you realize you don’t like all those weirdos as much anymore.

Spray it with some kitchen KY just in case, dump the mixture in, and throw that shit in the pre-heated (yes!) oven and let that shit bake for like 15-20 minutes. Keep your eye on that fucker and take it out when it’s nice and brown and Michael Buble’ on the top. Don’t overcook or you’ll be the dick who overcooked the artichoke dip.

Serve with tortilla chips, crackers, pita chips, your goddamn fingers for all I care. And enjoy!

Crock and Balls

If you’re a regular to this site, you’ll know that I traditionally put stove top stuffing in my meatballs and bake them. Different story today people. I’m livin’ on the edge. Just like a Kardashian wearing a skirt below the knee.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground beef (mine was a little over a pound because apparently the fuckers at Publix can’t get it to a perfect pound.)

1 beaten egg

½ - ¾ cup of seasoned bread crumbs (I used those because I didn’t want to season the shit out of the meat. There’s parsley already in the crumbs so don’t starting whining because your mama puts fresh parsley in hers.)

1 tsp of onion powder

1 tsp of garlic powder (why did I use powders? Because they disperse more evenly since we’re separating the meat into little ass balls. And if you don’t know what “disperse” means, a. you’re stupid and b.google it.)

½ cup of shakeable parmesan cheese (Not the real shit. The fake shakey stuff.)

1 jar of your favorite marinara (I used a big ass can of Hunt’s. It was $1. Don’t judge.)

Shit you're gonna do:

Mix together everything but the marinara. Now you’re actually going to have to touch the meat. Don’t tell me you use gloves. Put your big girl panties on, take off your grandmother’s wedding band and dig your hands in that grimey shit. Roll them into one inch balls. The size of…well…balls. The secret to balls that don’t crack when you cook them is to make sure your balls are smooth. No cracks before cooking = no cracks after cooking. Now, heat up some olive oil in a big ass skillet; enough to generously coat the bottom of the pan.

Mine made sixteen balls. Smaller balls means more balls. Bigger balls mean more man. And less meatballs. Now, you’re gonna brown these little bitches in olive oil. And don’t say “omg, another fucking step? Another fucking pan to clean?” Pipe down princess, it doesn’t take that long and it’s worth the effort. Just like wearing Spanx. Here’s two more reasons your lazy ass needs to brown them. First, it locks in the flavor and second it keeps the grease to a minimum that will come out when the meat is simmering in your slow cooker. A lot of the grease that might’ve gone onto your ass is actually left in the pan. And keep the olive oil at a medium temp so you don’t burn anything. I learned the hard way.

Once they’re browned, you can either continue on to the next step, OR, after they’re cooled, you can put these bad boys in a freezer bag and shove them in the freezer until you’re ready for them. If you choose to accept that challenge, you’ll just put your frozen balls in the slow cooker and change your cooking time to low for 6-8 hours.

If you choose not to freeze yours and continue your ball making adventure, put your newly browned balls in your slow cooker and pour your marinara over it. Turn that bitch on low for 4-6 hours and those bitches will taste great sliding down while sitting on top of a freshly toasted sub roll.

Hubs liked these so much that he told me I could buy whatever I want. Well then…I’ll let you know when I’m back from Macy’s…

Don't ever make lasagna with cheddar cheese (D2)

So my husband is a chef. I know, lucky me right? The funny thing is, I love to cook too and I'm damn good at it. But he does most of the cooking, and that shit works for me too.

Last week I get home from work to smell something-a-cookin' as I open the front door. He proceeds to tell me that he's made a lasagna. So I wonder to myself, "Self, do we have mozzarella? Do we have ricotta?" Me thinks not. So I ask him how me made a lasgna when I know we don't have the ingredients?. "Well, I just used the cheese that we had in the fridge". Ooooo this is gonna get interesting.

So we sit down to dinner and this oily, dry noodle thing in a lasagna dish appears before me. I realize he's used cheddar cheese without cutting it with another cheese to change the chemistry of the melting habits and the omission of oil. Go with me on this one. I'm no cheese scientist - but I have seen melted cheddar on its own... lots of oil... and melted cheddar with some other kind of cheese.... delicious goodness. Ok, this story is getting long I'll wrap it up.

Anyhoo --- no ricotta, no mozzarella, hardly any red sauce does not a lasagna make. This basically tasted like a cheeseburger with noodles. Crazy enough? We ate b/c it still tasted good - but don't call this shit lasagna.

I love being right like any other woman and I love winning. So over the weekend I bought the ingredients for a real lasagna and made it on Tuesday. Shit was ridiculous. Even the chef said so. BAM! I win!


Shit you're gonna need:

-9 lasagna noodles. Don't cook the whole fucking box unless you're making 3 lasagnas, k?

-Small thingy of ricotta cheese. If you use cottage cheese I'll come to your house and smack you around. Gross.

-Mozarella cheese slices and a bag of shredded mozzarella. A lot of cheese, I know. it gets better

-Bag of Shredded Parmasean - yes, they sell this not in a shaker container.

- 1 egg

- 1 lb-ish of ground beef or turkey

- jar of spaghetti sauce. - I use the super expensive Raos sauce b/c its fucking awesome and tastes right and requires no effort on my part except coughing up $8.99 for the jar. If you wanna use Ragu or Prego or make your own - get crazy and do it.

- Italian Seasonsing

Shit you're gonna do

Cook up your meat in a plug in skillet or big ass pan in the stove. Sprinkle some salt and the Italian seasoning on that meat and let it cook - I believe they call this "browning". In a mixing bowl, plop out the ricotta from its container, crack an egg in there, pour in 1/2 the bag of Parmesan cheese, and like 1/3 of the shredded mozzarella bag. I don't measure, I eyeball and you should too. Sprinkle some Eye-talian seasoning in there too - why not?

Now stick your lasagna noodles on the stove in a boiling pot of agua and let all that magic happen at once. Oh, and turn your oven on to like 350.

Once you meat is browned, throw in your jar of sauce and let that simmer for a minute. Once your noodles are done, drain them.

Take out your glass lasagna dish and spray with a tiny bit of kitchen KY. Then let's start layering...

Bottom layer: 3 noodles, then your ricotta mixture, then sauce/meat, then mozzarella slices. Then repeat... once you're out of stuff and you're on the last step use the shredded mozzarella as the very last layer and maybe throw the rest of the shredded Parmesan on there too. Get crazy with the cheese whiz, folks.

And Voila! You have yourself a REAL lasagna. Stick that baby in the oven for 30 minutes uncovered. It'll be done with you see it a-bubblin and all melty and shit.

Mangia!

Chili Cheese Homemade Hamburger Helper. Just admit that you get lazy too.

Alright, I gotta give super props to this website for this recipe. http://chickensintheroad.com/cooking/homemade-hamburger-helper/

This chick has about nine different versions of homemade hamburger helper (HHH). But the one I adapted was the Chili Cheese. And it worked. I didn’t actually give my family any other option. This ain’t fucking Denny’s. Eat it…eat it and like it!

I now make this shit about once a week. It’s easy, it’s fucking fantastic as leftovers and my kids eat it. It’s the ménage á trios of cooking.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 small onion chopped (I’ve also been known to add half of a chopped green pepper in here because I needed to use it. My kids had a shit fit when they saw little bits of green, so I don’t do that anymore, but I wanted to give you the option)

1 lb of ground beef (again, if you don’t have balls, feel free to use ground turkey)

1 cup of hot water (I didn’t heat mine up. Used it straight from the tap. Made no difference.)

1 ½ cups of milk (regular milk. Don’t use the fake blue shit)

½ cup of sour cream

1 ½ cups of elbow macaroni

(Seasoning)

1 tbs. of corn starch

1 tbs. of chili powder

2 tsp of garlic salt

1 tsp of sugar

½ tsp. of paprika

1 cup of cheese (Come on ya’ll…you know me by now…you know I used two cups)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Brown up your onion and your ground beef. I personally rinse and drain it after cooking to get any fat that might be left on it. Not that I think it’ll matter since I use butter on everything, but at least I can tell my cardiologist that I tried. If you rinse it, put it back in the pan and add your water, milk and sour cream. Stir and then add your macaroni. Nothing fancy here people. I’ll tell you what is fancy though…manchego cheese dipped in honey. It’s just like a wedding; expensive as fuck but so freaking worth it. Even if your wedding day was the first day of turkey hunting season and your in-laws wore their hunting gear there, but don’t worry, my Aunt Tom got over it.

In a separate small bowl, mix all your spices together and then add them to your beef mixture. Cover and let this shit cook for about 12 minutes or until your pasta is done. You’ll want to stir it every now and then so you don’t get shit stuck to the bottom of the pan. Once it’s done, stir in your cheese, and holy macaroni (literally), your shit’s done. I personally shovel this into my mouth while hovering over the stove with the same spoon I just stirred with. But that’s just me. And that’s just another option for you.

Fyi…don’t fucking rip my head off when you taste this and it needs more salt. Because it probably will. Just settin’ ya’ up…