Smoked Fatty

I think I promised you this recipe about 32 years ago, so here goes…

Hubs made this for an annual kick ass superbowl party hosted by some of our closest friends. People in Montana know about it, President Obama was invited and when we turned away Robert Downey Jr. you know it’s a good time that’ll give you a hiney tingle. It’s a party where you pretty much hydrate yourself the morning before because you know your drunk ass will regret that 14^th jello shot. Trust me. I speak from experience.

This smoked fatty is cooked in our smoker. Duh. But there’s ways to do it on the grill. I’m not familiar with those ways because I have no fucking clue how to work the grill, nor do I ever want to know how. I’d like to keep my eyebrows thank you very much. I also scream like a girl when a flame shoots up. But anyhoo…

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground sausage (Those jimmy dean blunt rolls. Round, stocky and firm. Kind of like the hubs.)

1 lb. of thick cut bacon (again, kind of like the hubs. But don’t get that thin slimy shit that falls apart. Hubs sent me out two different times to get EXACTLY what he wanted. But here’s what I don’t understand. He goes to the store and buys me the wrong kind of fabric softener and he says ‘deal with it’. How fucking fair is that? Sorry, I’m a stuck up snot ass about fabric softener. I’m also kind of a bitch about where the sponge goes after washing dishes. Being married to me is no picnic.)

Rib rub (Any kind of pork dry rub will do. He uses some shit in a jar that’s premixed. I’m sure you can make your own, but why take the time people, I’d rather use that time to slice cucumbers for my vodka tonic. Yes, I said cucumbers. Try it.)

5 slices of pepper jack cheese (yes, exactly five. Just go with the hubs on this one. He’s freaking type A. He’s a perfectionist, which I take as a compliment because I’m perfect and he picked me.)

Half of a red pepper (chop that shit up baby)

Half of a green pepper (again, chop that shit up baby. And put the left over shit in a frittata or something. You can also freeze it to deal with later.)

¼ of a chopped large yellow onion (again, put it in a frittata or freeze it.)

1 jalapeño seeded and chopped (if you wear contacts or you appreciate the gift of sight, do not touch your face or put your grubby fingers anywhere near your eyes until you wash your hands after this method. It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve burned the fuck out of my eyeballs.)

Other bullshit you’ll need:

1 large gallon Ziploc bag

Long ass strip of waxed paper

Fucking enormous cutting board

Rolling Pin

Shit you’re gonna do:

Hubs made his fatty the night before and then in the morning he dealt with all the bullshit of actually heating up the smoker and putting the chips in it. If you’re familiar with using a smoker…good for you. I’m not. This is a recipe for the actual meat, not a lesson on using a smoker. Hubs wants to give credit to the site he learned this from. It will help you more than my drunk ass with making the bacon weave and any tips for a dry rub and any other bullshit I can’t explain. http://www.smoking-meat.com/january-2010-bacon-wrapped-stuffed-sausage-fatty.html I need to point out that this website is named “smoking meat” and I can’t help but think of porn movie title. I’m so fucking immature.

First, make your bacon weave. Sweet mother hubbard, that shit is hard to explain, so please, again, go on the website I mentioned above and see the detailed explanation of how it’s done. One vodka tonic too many tonight…sorry folks. Once you make this, put it aside and hold on to the new panties you got at Fredricks.

Next, put your sausage in your Ziploc bag, lay it on your big ass strip of wax paper and take a rolling pin to roll it out. This to me is fucking brilliant. I’m using this method the next time I make homemade pizza dough or anything else square that I need to roll out. Again, brilliant…I’m still shocked that a man came up with that idea. Or, I mean, it could’ve been his wife, but he didn’t give her credit for it. Shocker. If you get an air pocket, just open a little of the bag to let the air out. Cut the bag off once you’re done and add your fillings which are the slices of cheese, the peppers and onions and your jalapeño. Make sure you put your fillings on the bottom half of the sausage so all that shit doesn’t fall out every where. And so you can’t say “I wish you would’ve told me that.” I did. So there.

Roll up your sausage like a tight doobie. You’ll need to pinch the edges or you’ll get a blowout or a queef, whichever definition your dirty ass mind prefers then place it on your bacon weave and then again, roll it up. Now put this in your smoker until it reaches 165 or about 2-3 hours. And once your fatty is done, broil it at 500 degrees until the bacon is a little crispy. Watch that shit like a hawk or it’ll burn quicker than you can say “Charlie Sheen is a total fuck up.” (too soon?)

Let the meat rest for about 10 minutes, slice that shit up and wait for marriage proposals from women you just met. Or at least that’s what happened to the hubs. “Back off bitch, he does laundry and he’s taken.” Yeah. I said it.

Arti-Choke Her Out Dip (D2)

So I’m a big fan of that spinach and artichoke dip that you can get at most fine eating establishments, even the one that you can get at a cheap ass restaurant for $3.99. I ain’t picky when it comes to cheesy goodness that you can stick on a fucking tortilla chip. So I came up with my own version, sans the spinach because I just can’t get that shit right and it ends up kinda weird. Don’t worry, this dip won’t disappoint. And if you’re serving it in the right place, you’ll have some drunk guy follow you around all night telling you that your dip makes his penis tingle. Happened to me, no shit.

Shit you’re gonna need:

• 1 cup of parmesan cheese (the cheap shit is what you need)


• 1 cup of very fattening mayonnaise (don’t get no fat free shit, k?)


• 1 cup of very fattening sour cream (let’s get serious, sour cream is meant to be fattening. Don’t get that “part-skim”, or “low-calorie” bullshit. Man up)


• 1 can of artichokes in water (not just the hearts either)

Shit you’re gonna do:
Shit you’re gonna do: First heat your oven up to like 350 degrees. I can’t tell you how many fucking times I’ve thrown all my shit together and the goddamn oven is cold. Shit pisses me off.

Take the artichokes out of the can and choke those bitches out. Get out some anger on these fuckers because you know you can’t really choke your kids now matter how much they annoy you. Or your husband for asking what you did all day since dinner isn’t ready at 6:30pm. Let those artichokes pay, they won’t mind. Make sure your artichokes basically have no liquid left in them or you’ll regret it, trust me.

When you’re done doing that, rip those little fuckers to shreds. I know this dip seems angry, but it will have a happy ending (hardy har har). Upon ripping, stick them in a mixing bowl of some kind. Now, measure out a cup of each of the remaining ingredients and mix all that shit together. Look nasty and weird? Good, now carry on.

Get a pan of some kind that will fit this concoction, something similar to what you’d cook some brownies in will do. If you’re headed to a party, you could use one of those aluminum disposable thingys so you can leave that bitch there when you sneak out because you realize you don’t like all those weirdos as much anymore.

Spray it with some kitchen KY just in case, dump the mixture in, and throw that shit in the pre-heated (yes!) oven and let that shit bake for like 15-20 minutes. Keep your eye on that fucker and take it out when it’s nice and brown and Michael Buble’ on the top. Don’t overcook or you’ll be the dick who overcooked the artichoke dip.

Serve with tortilla chips, crackers, pita chips, your goddamn fingers for all I care. And enjoy!

Crock and Balls

If you’re a regular to this site, you’ll know that I traditionally put stove top stuffing in my meatballs and bake them. Different story today people. I’m livin’ on the edge. Just like a Kardashian wearing a skirt below the knee.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground beef (mine was a little over a pound because apparently the fuckers at Publix can’t get it to a perfect pound.)

1 beaten egg

½ - ¾ cup of seasoned bread crumbs (I used those because I didn’t want to season the shit out of the meat. There’s parsley already in the crumbs so don’t starting whining because your mama puts fresh parsley in hers.)

1 tsp of onion powder

1 tsp of garlic powder (why did I use powders? Because they disperse more evenly since we’re separating the meat into little ass balls. And if you don’t know what “disperse” means, a. you’re stupid and b.google it.)

½ cup of shakeable parmesan cheese (Not the real shit. The fake shakey stuff.)

1 jar of your favorite marinara (I used a big ass can of Hunt’s. It was $1. Don’t judge.)

Shit you're gonna do:

Mix together everything but the marinara. Now you’re actually going to have to touch the meat. Don’t tell me you use gloves. Put your big girl panties on, take off your grandmother’s wedding band and dig your hands in that grimey shit. Roll them into one inch balls. The size of…well…balls. The secret to balls that don’t crack when you cook them is to make sure your balls are smooth. No cracks before cooking = no cracks after cooking. Now, heat up some olive oil in a big ass skillet; enough to generously coat the bottom of the pan.

Mine made sixteen balls. Smaller balls means more balls. Bigger balls mean more man. And less meatballs. Now, you’re gonna brown these little bitches in olive oil. And don’t say “omg, another fucking step? Another fucking pan to clean?” Pipe down princess, it doesn’t take that long and it’s worth the effort. Just like wearing Spanx. Here’s two more reasons your lazy ass needs to brown them. First, it locks in the flavor and second it keeps the grease to a minimum that will come out when the meat is simmering in your slow cooker. A lot of the grease that might’ve gone onto your ass is actually left in the pan. And keep the olive oil at a medium temp so you don’t burn anything. I learned the hard way.

Once they’re browned, you can either continue on to the next step, OR, after they’re cooled, you can put these bad boys in a freezer bag and shove them in the freezer until you’re ready for them. If you choose to accept that challenge, you’ll just put your frozen balls in the slow cooker and change your cooking time to low for 6-8 hours.

If you choose not to freeze yours and continue your ball making adventure, put your newly browned balls in your slow cooker and pour your marinara over it. Turn that bitch on low for 4-6 hours and those bitches will taste great sliding down while sitting on top of a freshly toasted sub roll.

Hubs liked these so much that he told me I could buy whatever I want. Well then…I’ll let you know when I’m back from Macy’s…

Don't ever make lasagna with cheddar cheese (D2)

So my husband is a chef. I know, lucky me right? The funny thing is, I love to cook too and I'm damn good at it. But he does most of the cooking, and that shit works for me too.

Last week I get home from work to smell something-a-cookin' as I open the front door. He proceeds to tell me that he's made a lasagna. So I wonder to myself, "Self, do we have mozzarella? Do we have ricotta?" Me thinks not. So I ask him how me made a lasgna when I know we don't have the ingredients?. "Well, I just used the cheese that we had in the fridge". Ooooo this is gonna get interesting.

So we sit down to dinner and this oily, dry noodle thing in a lasagna dish appears before me. I realize he's used cheddar cheese without cutting it with another cheese to change the chemistry of the melting habits and the omission of oil. Go with me on this one. I'm no cheese scientist - but I have seen melted cheddar on its own... lots of oil... and melted cheddar with some other kind of cheese.... delicious goodness. Ok, this story is getting long I'll wrap it up.

Anyhoo --- no ricotta, no mozzarella, hardly any red sauce does not a lasagna make. This basically tasted like a cheeseburger with noodles. Crazy enough? We ate b/c it still tasted good - but don't call this shit lasagna.

I love being right like any other woman and I love winning. So over the weekend I bought the ingredients for a real lasagna and made it on Tuesday. Shit was ridiculous. Even the chef said so. BAM! I win!


Shit you're gonna need:

-9 lasagna noodles. Don't cook the whole fucking box unless you're making 3 lasagnas, k?

-Small thingy of ricotta cheese. If you use cottage cheese I'll come to your house and smack you around. Gross.

-Mozarella cheese slices and a bag of shredded mozzarella. A lot of cheese, I know. it gets better

-Bag of Shredded Parmasean - yes, they sell this not in a shaker container.

- 1 egg

- 1 lb-ish of ground beef or turkey

- jar of spaghetti sauce. - I use the super expensive Raos sauce b/c its fucking awesome and tastes right and requires no effort on my part except coughing up $8.99 for the jar. If you wanna use Ragu or Prego or make your own - get crazy and do it.

- Italian Seasonsing

Shit you're gonna do

Cook up your meat in a plug in skillet or big ass pan in the stove. Sprinkle some salt and the Italian seasoning on that meat and let it cook - I believe they call this "browning". In a mixing bowl, plop out the ricotta from its container, crack an egg in there, pour in 1/2 the bag of Parmesan cheese, and like 1/3 of the shredded mozzarella bag. I don't measure, I eyeball and you should too. Sprinkle some Eye-talian seasoning in there too - why not?

Now stick your lasagna noodles on the stove in a boiling pot of agua and let all that magic happen at once. Oh, and turn your oven on to like 350.

Once you meat is browned, throw in your jar of sauce and let that simmer for a minute. Once your noodles are done, drain them.

Take out your glass lasagna dish and spray with a tiny bit of kitchen KY. Then let's start layering...

Bottom layer: 3 noodles, then your ricotta mixture, then sauce/meat, then mozzarella slices. Then repeat... once you're out of stuff and you're on the last step use the shredded mozzarella as the very last layer and maybe throw the rest of the shredded Parmesan on there too. Get crazy with the cheese whiz, folks.

And Voila! You have yourself a REAL lasagna. Stick that baby in the oven for 30 minutes uncovered. It'll be done with you see it a-bubblin and all melty and shit.

Mangia!

Chili Cheese Homemade Hamburger Helper. Just admit that you get lazy too.

Alright, I gotta give super props to this website for this recipe. http://chickensintheroad.com/cooking/homemade-hamburger-helper/

This chick has about nine different versions of homemade hamburger helper (HHH). But the one I adapted was the Chili Cheese. And it worked. I didn’t actually give my family any other option. This ain’t fucking Denny’s. Eat it…eat it and like it!

I now make this shit about once a week. It’s easy, it’s fucking fantastic as leftovers and my kids eat it. It’s the ménage á trios of cooking.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 small onion chopped (I’ve also been known to add half of a chopped green pepper in here because I needed to use it. My kids had a shit fit when they saw little bits of green, so I don’t do that anymore, but I wanted to give you the option)

1 lb of ground beef (again, if you don’t have balls, feel free to use ground turkey)

1 cup of hot water (I didn’t heat mine up. Used it straight from the tap. Made no difference.)

1 ½ cups of milk (regular milk. Don’t use the fake blue shit)

½ cup of sour cream

1 ½ cups of elbow macaroni

(Seasoning)

1 tbs. of corn starch

1 tbs. of chili powder

2 tsp of garlic salt

1 tsp of sugar

½ tsp. of paprika

1 cup of cheese (Come on ya’ll…you know me by now…you know I used two cups)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Brown up your onion and your ground beef. I personally rinse and drain it after cooking to get any fat that might be left on it. Not that I think it’ll matter since I use butter on everything, but at least I can tell my cardiologist that I tried. If you rinse it, put it back in the pan and add your water, milk and sour cream. Stir and then add your macaroni. Nothing fancy here people. I’ll tell you what is fancy though…manchego cheese dipped in honey. It’s just like a wedding; expensive as fuck but so freaking worth it. Even if your wedding day was the first day of turkey hunting season and your in-laws wore their hunting gear there, but don’t worry, my Aunt Tom got over it.

In a separate small bowl, mix all your spices together and then add them to your beef mixture. Cover and let this shit cook for about 12 minutes or until your pasta is done. You’ll want to stir it every now and then so you don’t get shit stuck to the bottom of the pan. Once it’s done, stir in your cheese, and holy macaroni (literally), your shit’s done. I personally shovel this into my mouth while hovering over the stove with the same spoon I just stirred with. But that’s just me. And that’s just another option for you.

Fyi…don’t fucking rip my head off when you taste this and it needs more salt. Because it probably will. Just settin’ ya’ up…

Sausage Gravy. And a story about a tramp..oline.

Since it’s the day after Christmas and I’m filled to the fucking gills with food, I thought I’d make you long for something more. More fat and more artery clogging nonsense to fill your thighs with. God Bless everyone.

The kids got a trampoline for Christmas. And Christmas day here in sunny fucking Florida was a beautiful 75 degrees. But of course, the day AFTER Christmas it was windy and as cold as Angelina Joile’s soul. I knew it would be a feat in to get that fucking trampoline up because it was so damn crappy here. But since I had to work the next day, we HAD to get that shit up or the kids would be all up my ass about how fucking bored they are. Even though Toys R Us basically just shat in my living room, but I digress…

Sausage Gravy.

Shit you’re gonna need:

½ pound of ground sausage (I used half a package of Jimmy Dean. It’s those fat ass blunt rolled sausages that work the best, if you ask me.)

2 tablespoons of butter (I fucking ran out of butter after this. Sucked. But at least the butter gods were there to assist me in my devious attempt at getting that fucking trampoline going.)

2 tablespoons of flour (I hate the smell of that shit.)

‘Bout 1 ½ cups of milk (You may need more if you like your gravy creamier. Again, double meaning there.)

Salt and Pepper

Shit you’re gonna do:

I used my iron skillet, but any skillet will do. Don’t beat yourself up about it there Mike Tyson. But go ahead and brown up your sausage. Once it’s browned, you’ll notice that it doesn’t necessarily render a lot of fat, so we’re gonna have to add our own. Drop in your two tablespoons of butter and then your flour. Now, since flour tastes like shit (and smells like shit too), let this crap cook for about a minute. Then start adding your milk. I add about ½ cup at a time whisking the hell out of it to get those little bits of sausage goodness into your sauce. It’ll thicken; then add more milk. Keep doing that until you get the consistency you want and then salt and pepper the shit out of this until your arteries are happy.

Seriously – you’re fucking done. That’s it. Pour this shit over biscuits…homemade or canned, I don’t give a rat’s ass…and then stand with your back to a mirror and watch your ass grow.

I’m now off to put the “tramp” in trampoline…

Buckeyes

Let me rephrase myself. I’m not “from” Ohio. I was born there. I was born in September and as soon as the temperature dropped to 72 degrees, my mom got the hell out of dodge. Don’t blame her one bit. It’s witch tit cold up there.

What is a buckeye? I think it ‘s a nut. From a tree. Which is pretty close to describing myself.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 cups of peanut butter (I used creamy. Isn’t creamy always better?)

½ stick of butter, softened (Take your finger, poke it in the fattest part of your ass and that’s how soft the butter should be. Good rule of thumb there.)

3 ¾ cups of powdered sugar (You don’t have to sift it. Seriously, I don’t want to dirty another dish, nor do I give a shit if there’s lumps. And yes, I know it’s a lot of powdered sugar, but really? Do you care? Didn’t think so.)

12 oz. bag of semi sweet morsels (I used generic and I used the mini ones. They melt faster, kinda like the ice in my vodka when it’s a 127 degrees here in July.)

2 tbs of vegetable shortening (It’s crisco smart guy.)

Other shit you’ll need to get out:

Baking sheet

Wax paper

Shit you’re gonna do:

Beat together your peanut butter and butter. Yeah, I said “beat”, moving on…once it’s combined you need to slowly add your powdered sugar. Believe me when I tell you to do it slowly. Add a little at a time. Because when I first read that way back when I didn’t know shit, I dumped all of it in and let it fly. Literally. And trust me; powdered sugar on the floor is NOT easy to clean up. (Bonus powdered sugar story right after the recipe, it’s a doozy.)

So, now you’re trying your damndest to not stick your face into the bowl of sugary goodness that you just created. You’re gonna roll this into little balls. Me? I like big balls for a couple of reasons. Let’s break that down, shall we? First, there’s a lot of this fucking mix, if I make small balls, it’ll take me more than one bottle of vino to finish. I don’t like to just stand there, playing with balls getting drunk. At least not on a Tuesday. And second, the more balls I make, the more I have to stand there and dip the bastards in chocolate. I ain’t got that kind of time. So, I made them all exactly 1 tbs each. Yes, I used a measuring spoon. Now, start rolling, lay them on your waxed paper on a baking sheet and throw those bitches in the freezer for an hour. Ooooooh snap…didn’t see that coming did you? Yeah, I’m making you wait. Girls do that.

Hop in your phone booth, bill and ted time machine and fast forward an hour. Now, before you take the balls out, melt your chocolate and shortening in the microwave. You’ll want to use a bowl that’s kind of deep so that you have enough dipping room. Start with about a minute, stir and then if you need a little more, do it in 30 second increments. Then dip your balls in your chocolate but leave a little of the pb showing. That way it actually looks like a buckeye. I used a skewer which is why it looks like a nipple of some sort. Or some other falic term. Keep these little fuckers in the fridge when you’re all done. Enjoy!!

Now…the powdered sugar story. Me and D2 were latch key kids. And during our middle school years, over the summer, we were allowed to stay by ourselves. Big mistake. But out of boredom came the best experiences of my childhood and 98% of them have D2 in the story. Wouldn’t change it for the world. So, on this particular day, we decided to pretend we were smoking. We took tampons, yes, I said tampons, emptied them (which means you take out the absorbent shit inside) and put powdered sugar in it so that it would look like we were blowing smoke. Fucking idiots.

At the time, we thought we were being smart by doing it in the kitchen. Shit was all over the floor. At least we thought ahead, right? Wrong. We were like “Oh, we’ll just mop it up.” Ummmm, guess what happens when you mix water with powdered sugar? You get icing. Sticky, white, creamy icing. THAT’S what ended up all over the kitchen floor. Hours after trying numerous amounts of mopping, our keds were still sticking to the floor. And then we’re like “Oh shit, mom’s coming home in like, 10 minutes. We’re fucked.” I don’t remember much of the outcome but I do remember her mother being pissed. She’s British and I remember spitting soda out of my nose when I heard her say “It makes me so mad I could spit.” What? My mom would be all “What the hell did you do to my fucking kitchen floor?” Two moms, two different worlds.