Tramp Scampi

Tramp, because I used frozen, pre-cooked shrimp which is easy. Like a tramp. Scampi, because well, it’s scampi. Brilliant.

This was so fucking easy. It’s baked so you’re not standing over the stove with one hand stirring the shit while the other is holding your wine. You now have both hands free to keep filling your glass. You’re welcome.

Shit you’re gonna need:

16 oz. of frozen pre-cooked shrimp that’s been thawed (I’ll say it again, thaw the little bitches first. My shit was also sale for $4. Holla!)

½ cup of butter (it’s a full stick there genius)

2 tbs of Dijon mustard (I used generic because I’m still a redneck at heart and I refuse to pay full price for Grey Poupon. And what kind of name is Grey fucking Poupon. Shitty marketing department if you ask me.)

1 tbs. of lemon juice (I used the shit that’s in that little squeezy bottle that looks like a lemon. I don’t keep fresh lemons on hand. Only limes…and I think you can figure out why.)

2 cloves of crushed garlic (I used the jarred kind because I wanted my little crushes to be symmetrically perfect. Can’t get that when you’re chopping the shit yourself and you’ve had a glass of wine. Don’t ask how many times I’ve tried. It’s embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as having your son’s baseball coach seeing you in your robe with wet hair while you run out to the driveway with Tupperware in your hand yelling at your husband who’s pulling out of the driveway that he left his lunch. The guy actually waved. Ugh.)

1 tbs of parsley (Yup. I used dried. And dried is fine. You’re not on fucking Iron Chef, so calm yourself there Morimoto.)

½ tbs of Old Bay (ahhhh, good ‘ol Old Bay. Fucking genius came up with that shit. Or maybe it was Jesus. Because it’s that fucking perfect.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 450. Imma throw a tidbit in here for ya’…I put my scampi over spaghetti noodles, so if you’d like to do that, start boiling your water now and get those noodles cookin’.

Use your Kitchen KY (aka, non stick cooking spray) and spray down a 9x13 pan. Put in your shrimp and slide those bitches over cuz we ‘bout to make the sauce.

Melt in a saucepan your butter, your Dijon, the lemon juice, garlic, parsley and old bay. Basically all your shit except the shrimp. Once it’s melted, pour it over your shrimp and since the shrimp is already cooked, just bake it for about 10 minutes so it doesn’t get tough. You’re just heating it up. Then put your shrimp on your noodles, pour some of the sauce on it and voila mother fucker – you’re done!!! (insert sound of our wine glasses clinking together) Cheers!

My kids won't eat shit. Part Quatro

Chicken, Brocolli, Cheese and Rice

The hubs caught the cold I had. Oooooops. That's what happens when you make out with someone. Thought I’d share.

So, with this cold, he requested chicken and rice. But I thought, “…that’s fucking boring.” Kinda like watching the Suite Life of Zak and Cody. Fucking dumbass show. Those twins should’ve stopped at Big Daddy. But anyhoo…

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 cooked and shredded chicken breasts. (I like breasts. Double meaning there.)

¾ of a bag of frozen broccoli, cooked and put aside

2 cups of cooked rice. I mean, I used 2 cups of rice and then cooked it. Who the hell knows how much it actually made. I also used the quick boil shit. Don’t judge.

4 tablespoons of butter

4 tablespoons of flour

‘bout 3 cups of milk

‘bout 3 cups of cheese

Salt to taste. (In my house, that means a shit load of salt.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Since you’ve already cooked and shredded your chicken and cooked your broccoli and your rice, all your lazy ass has to do now is make your cheese sauce and throw this shit together.

I’ve posted homemade cheese sauce before, but because I know you’re probably just as lazy as I am and you don’t wanna be diggin’ through shit to find the recipe, let’s just go over it again, shall we?

I cooked this in my dutch oven pot. But a big stockpot will do you good. Something you’d make chili in. Melt your butter in your pot and when it’s pretty much all melted, put in your flour. Now, flour tastes like shit, so you’re gonna need to cook this with the butter for about a minute to get that shitty raw flour taste out. Don’t get your panties in a wad when it gets a little clumpy, kinda like mascara on a walk of shame; it’s supposed to do that.

The reason I said “bout 3 cups of milk” is because I eyeball this shit. I start by adding about a cup of milk at a time and then whisk the hell out of it. Keep adding milk until you get the consistency you want. Start adding handfuls of cheese until the “cheesy” flavor your arteries desire is accomplished. Keep whisking and adding milk if you like more cream (again, double meaning there) and then this is where the salt comes in.

In this house, salt means love. I don’t typically salt food too much when I’m cooking. Because I feel it’s the person’s responsibility who’s eating your shit to clog their own arteries. Also, the desired level of salty goodness is as individual as your ability to pull off a pencil skirt versus an a-line to cover up your gut. But whatever.

Once your cheese sauce is perfect, because with my help, I know you nailed this, put in your chicken, broccoli, and rice and stir. It makes a shitload. And in this case, shitload means “it feeds 6-8”.

If you’re a badass, try this with it…pour your shit in a 9x13, put breadcrumbs and cheese on top and bake at 350 for about 30 minutes. You can also cover your 9x13 and stick it in the freezer to cook later. Now, there’s three options for you…don’t tell me I don’t care…cuz deep down in the bottom of the hooker heels I bought last night, I do.

Brett Fava Beans and Rice

Fucking love beans. Pour that shit over rice and I’m all over that like a homeless man on a half eaten hot dog. I also saw Brett Favre’s Green Bay Pecker and immediately craved sausage…with beans and rice.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One bag of red beans (One of those bags of Goya will do you good. You find generic? Go for it cheap ass. I’m right there with ya’)

A big ass bowl

2 tablespoons of vegetable oil

1 teaspoon of salt (I’m not gonna comment on your sodium levels or anything, but you’re probably gonna need more than that. Wait until the end when you’re shit’s all done and you can really judge the flavor. Keep your panties on and keep the salt in the jar.)

1 teaspoon of pepper

1 teaspoon of dried oregano (yes, I know it’s a lot, but so were Mel Gibson’s rants but it was ultimately worth it)

1 onion (chop that shit up baby!)

1 Green Bay pepper (chop that shit up too!)

1 horseshoe shaped sausage (that ekrich shit is what I’m talking about)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Alright, you’re gonna need to Minnesoak your beans in a Super Bowl. Overnight. Trust me on this. Don’t do that whole “boil in hot water for two hours” shit. How fucking hard is it to sit this shit in a bowl while you sleep? Nada. Moving on…

Once you wake up and have your cup of coffee…or four, drain and rinse your beans. Personally, after I do that, I put that quarterback in the fridge because I’m not ready to cook those fuckers yet. So, let’s hop into the DeLorean and fast forward to 2pm.

Put your beans in a big ass pot and cover those little boogers with about 2 inches of water. Add your seasonings and your onion and pepper and bring to a boil. Once it boils, all ya gotta do is just bring it back down to a simmer and let it sit until about 5pm. You’ll need to stir it every time you pour yourself another glass of wine (or maybe that’s just me). At 5…chop up your sausage in little ¼ inch pieces and throw it in. It’s already cooked and it has a lot of salt in it, so now would be the time to taste your seasonings. So get your groove on that salt if you need more.

For the rice part, I honestly use that 5 minute quick boil shit. 1 cup of water equals cup of rice. In five minutes, that shit’s done.

Hubs said the little bean fuckers tasted like peanuts. And that’s a good thing considering he can eat his body weight in “side of the road” boiled peanuts. But so can I.

NF”hell yeah!”

Boston Creme Cupcakes. Can I get a "hell yeah!"?

You will shit yourself how easy and how much “cheating” is involved in this. I remember seeing this somewhere on some new mommy show when my seven year old was two months old, screaming at 1am and spewing up $33 a can formula across my living room. Did I mention it was 1am? Did I mention he had acid reflux and colic? Did I mention that the hubs and I swore that we wouldn’t have anymore? Let me remind you that we in fact DID have another one. On purpose. But this is a cooking blog. “Just get to the recipe woman.” I hear ya’…

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of yellow cake mix (You’re more than welcome to slave in the kitchen and use the recipe you got from your bridal shower from your cousin’s mother in law. Knock yourself out. Won’t make a difference. I used a box mix because I didn’t have any vanilla extract and I stocked up on boxes of $0.76 betty crocker mixes at WalMart 4 months ago. Woot.)

You’ll also need the shit that makes the cake, eggs, oil and water

1 box of instant vanilla pudding mix (Yes my friends, this is the “cream”. My secret ingredient. Don’t be disappointed. It rocks.)

1 ½ cups of milk (the package is gonna tell you that you’ll need 2 cups. Don’t listen to them. You want your pudding thick. Thicker is better ;)

6 oz. of semi sweet chocolate chips (It’s about half a bag or ¾ of a cup)

½ cup of heavy cream

Shit you’re gonna do:

Make your vanilla pudding ahead of time. I think it takes about 3 or 4 hours to chill in the fridge. But you’ll just whisk together your mix and your milk for about 2 minutes. I have one of those bad ass stand mixers and that bitch has yet to fail me. That thing rocks.

Next make your cupcakes as directed on the package. I baked 12 at a time at exactly 18 minutes and they were perfect. Don’t attempt to fill these boogers with cream until the cupcakes are cooled down. Won’t work. Shit will be melty.

Once the cakes are cooled you’re gonna need to set up your “cream injector”. I’m not sure what else to call it, I know it sounds reeeeeeal bad. You’ll need a Ziploc bag and a coupler and decorator tip. (see picture below). Do you have one of those? If not, keep your panties on, just snip off a little corner of your Ziploc bag. You’ll be fine.
To help your cream along it's little tunnel of love, take a toothpick, push it down about 3/4 of the way and sort of wiggle it around making a hole for your tip to go in (BAH!).

WARNING!!!!!! Explicit photo!!!!!!

Yes, I know this looks bad, but if you don't have a decorator tip thingy, use your finger to sort of make a bigger hole. Not too big. You don't want it stretched out. Damn this is all sounding so bad and I'm totally not meaning to. But let's carry on...

Once you have your hole, punch down your tip and as you squeeze the cream in, pull out slowly so that it'll push those little cake particles around and fill with cream. Sweet Mary Mother of God that is extremely dirty. Sorry 'bout that. Actually, I'm not really sorry. It's funny as hell.
Now, you'll have a little bit of pudding left on top of each cupcake when you're done. No problem, take your finger and slurp that shit up. I don't recommend that procedure if you're sharing these cupcakes so use a paper towel to take off the excess and make the top smooth.

It's time to make the frosting! Or ganache if you're fancy and from Europe or something. I'm not, I grew up in a trailer and you don't even want to know how "us folks" would pronounce something like "ganache". Nor would you want to know what we would think it was. Shout out to my redneck family - holla!!!! But I digress...

Heat up your cream in a sauce pan until you start to see it bubbling. Don't boil it. Just heat it up until it coats the back of a spoon. Once it's hot, pour it over your chocolate chips that are in a bowl and whisk it until it's all combined. You'll have the urge to stick your face and there and lick it all out. But I don't recommend that...just yet. You'll have some leftover, so control yourself until the end.

You can pour the chocolate on top - but honestly, that makes one fucking mess. Just dip the top of your cupcake in the chocolate and then set it aside. Again, you'll have extra, so once you're done, lick away my friend...lick away.

Btw, that leftover chocolate will become thicker after you put it in the fridge, so dip immediately after melting and save the leftover to dip your strawberries in the next day. And I'll wait for to call me after you make these and say thank you. I can wait.

Cheers!

Lazy Ass Chili (this is the shit I put in my Frito Pie)

Don’t get me wrong…kudos to those of you who soak nine different kinds of beans, make your seasoning from scratch and stew your own tomatoes. I’m sure there’s a special spot in heaven for you but I ain’t got time for that shit. I’ve got my first graders’ impossible homework (yes, it really stumps me), I’ve got to shuffle the laundry around in the garage so it looks like I’ve been slaving over it all day and I have a facebook status to keep up with. I ain’t got time for no soaking of beans. So, forgive me for being lazy, but this shit is the bombdiggity. Scouts honor.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 onion

1 green pepper (Use the whole thing baby!)

1 pound of ground beef

1 can of light red kidney beans

1 can of mild chili beans

1 can of butter beans

1 can of diced tomatoes

1 package of chili seasoning

Shit you’re gonna do:

Sweat your onions and green peppers for a few minutes in a stock pot. Add your ground beef. Brown that shit up. Rinse your meat in a strainer to get that extra fatty shit off of it.
Dump your meat/onion/pepper mix back in the pot. Open your kidney beans and butter beans and rinse them off and them dump them in the pot. Open the chili beans and dump those fuckers in too (don’t rinse them). Add your diced tomatoes, your chili seasoning and stir that bitch. Put it on low heat for a while until it’s all melted together and in love 20-30 minutes.

Now, you can also do what I do. I prep this shit about 4 hours ahead of time and then throw it all in the crock pot and let it simmer on low for about 4 hours. Makes me feel good about myself. That and by the time we get home from my son’s football practice it’s easy as hell to stuff everyone’s pie hole.

Part 2. Oh yeah bitches…there’s more.

For Frito Pie, you’re gonna need…

Fritos (duh)

Your lazy ass chili

Shredded cheese

Sour cream

That is exactly how you’ll put it in your bowl to make this lazy ass, rainy night meal.

Again, layer in your bowl, fritos, chili, cheese and then sour cream. Ta Da! Now let’s have a cocktail.

I ain’t shittin’ you…this is bad ass sauce.

Alright, so I thought I made a good marinara sauce. I cooked it about every two weeks and I’d always keep some in the freezer. I thought I was the shit when it came to busketti sauce. So, I asked you fine folks on facebook what you did that made your sauce bad ass. Holy shit you guys came through. I wish I could give each and every one of you a good slap on the ass (cuz that’s how we say “thank you” round these parts). I added a little of your love in my sauce and it’s now THE best sauce I’ve ever made. How else can I say thank you? Oh. Post the recipe. Yeah. That would do it.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 onion, chopped (Honestly, I think the onion was about 4 days too old. But it still smelled like an onion. Oh well. Shit tasted good.)

Half of a green pepper, chopped (I used a large one because at $0.99 each why the hell would I buy a small one? So, I’ll just used the other half in the hubs’ breakfast the next couple of days. You can also freeze the other half as well.)

A smidge of olive oil (I assume that a smidge is about 2 tablespoons)

1 pound of ground beef (If you’re all granola, you can use ground turkey. I’m sure your ass and your arteries will thank you. Mine? Not so much. I’m a red meat kind of gal. And yes, you can read into that alllllll you want.)

2 tablespoons of brown sugar (Here’s one of the magical mother fucking ingredients that I used. I’m sure you’re supposed to use light brown sugar, but all I had was dark brown. Why didn’t I have light you ask? Well, because I spent 4 very rough days and two boxes of light brown sugar attempting to make homemade caramel the hard way. I ruined two pots and burned both my hands. Never doing that shit again.)

Dried oregano and basil (The measurements are up to you. I use about 2 teaspoons each. Excessive, I know, but so is Justin Beiber and I still have to deal with her shit.)

1 jar of marinara sauce (No. I didn’t use some fancy Paul Newman shit like my friend Evelyn; I used Target generic brand. I’m cheap like that. Again, feel free to read into that all you want. You’re welcome.)

3 oz. of cream cheese (I don’t know what the hell I would do without those measurement lines on a package of cream cheese. I’m a shithead when it comes to math.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Heat up your olive oil in a large ass skillet. Add your onions and green pepper and make those fuckers sweat for about 2 or 3 minutes. Then add your ground beef. Brown that shit up and pour yourself your first glass of wine. White…red…I don’t care. It’ll help you deal with the monsters…I mean munchkins who are running in and out of your kitchen begging for fucking fruit snacks. Btw, fruit snacks are born from the devil. Thought you should know.

Once the meant is browned, add your brown sugar and once it’s dissolved, add your jar of marinara. Uh, might want to turn down the heat a little, cuz I know you’re not wearing an apron that’ll keep that red shit from splattering on your clothes. Not that mine matter. I’m a stay at home mom, which pretty much means I wear workout clothes all day to make it look like I’m a fucking fitness guru. I’m not. I just don’t want to deal with looking like I’m freaking human when I know I’m gonna get mac and cheese imbedded on my shit 45 minutes after I put it on. So, there. Now after you pour in your jarred shit, add your basil and oregano, give that bitch a stir and then put in your cream cheese. Stir this mother fucker until it’s all melted and voila…there’s your bad ass marinara. You can give me a high five if you see me out. I’m sure I’ll be wearing an Ohio State t-shirt with workout shorts.