Brett Fava Beans and Rice

Fucking love beans. Pour that shit over rice and I’m all over that like a homeless man on a half eaten hot dog. I also saw Brett Favre’s Green Bay Pecker and immediately craved sausage…with beans and rice.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One bag of red beans (One of those bags of Goya will do you good. You find generic? Go for it cheap ass. I’m right there with ya’)

A big ass bowl

2 tablespoons of vegetable oil

1 teaspoon of salt (I’m not gonna comment on your sodium levels or anything, but you’re probably gonna need more than that. Wait until the end when you’re shit’s all done and you can really judge the flavor. Keep your panties on and keep the salt in the jar.)

1 teaspoon of pepper

1 teaspoon of dried oregano (yes, I know it’s a lot, but so were Mel Gibson’s rants but it was ultimately worth it)

1 onion (chop that shit up baby!)

1 Green Bay pepper (chop that shit up too!)

1 horseshoe shaped sausage (that ekrich shit is what I’m talking about)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Alright, you’re gonna need to Minnesoak your beans in a Super Bowl. Overnight. Trust me on this. Don’t do that whole “boil in hot water for two hours” shit. How fucking hard is it to sit this shit in a bowl while you sleep? Nada. Moving on…

Once you wake up and have your cup of coffee…or four, drain and rinse your beans. Personally, after I do that, I put that quarterback in the fridge because I’m not ready to cook those fuckers yet. So, let’s hop into the DeLorean and fast forward to 2pm.

Put your beans in a big ass pot and cover those little boogers with about 2 inches of water. Add your seasonings and your onion and pepper and bring to a boil. Once it boils, all ya gotta do is just bring it back down to a simmer and let it sit until about 5pm. You’ll need to stir it every time you pour yourself another glass of wine (or maybe that’s just me). At 5…chop up your sausage in little ¼ inch pieces and throw it in. It’s already cooked and it has a lot of salt in it, so now would be the time to taste your seasonings. So get your groove on that salt if you need more.

For the rice part, I honestly use that 5 minute quick boil shit. 1 cup of water equals cup of rice. In five minutes, that shit’s done.

Hubs said the little bean fuckers tasted like peanuts. And that’s a good thing considering he can eat his body weight in “side of the road” boiled peanuts. But so can I.

NF”hell yeah!”

Boston Creme Cupcakes. Can I get a "hell yeah!"?

You will shit yourself how easy and how much “cheating” is involved in this. I remember seeing this somewhere on some new mommy show when my seven year old was two months old, screaming at 1am and spewing up $33 a can formula across my living room. Did I mention it was 1am? Did I mention he had acid reflux and colic? Did I mention that the hubs and I swore that we wouldn’t have anymore? Let me remind you that we in fact DID have another one. On purpose. But this is a cooking blog. “Just get to the recipe woman.” I hear ya’…

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of yellow cake mix (You’re more than welcome to slave in the kitchen and use the recipe you got from your bridal shower from your cousin’s mother in law. Knock yourself out. Won’t make a difference. I used a box mix because I didn’t have any vanilla extract and I stocked up on boxes of $0.76 betty crocker mixes at WalMart 4 months ago. Woot.)

You’ll also need the shit that makes the cake, eggs, oil and water

1 box of instant vanilla pudding mix (Yes my friends, this is the “cream”. My secret ingredient. Don’t be disappointed. It rocks.)

1 ½ cups of milk (the package is gonna tell you that you’ll need 2 cups. Don’t listen to them. You want your pudding thick. Thicker is better ;)

6 oz. of semi sweet chocolate chips (It’s about half a bag or ¾ of a cup)

½ cup of heavy cream

Shit you’re gonna do:

Make your vanilla pudding ahead of time. I think it takes about 3 or 4 hours to chill in the fridge. But you’ll just whisk together your mix and your milk for about 2 minutes. I have one of those bad ass stand mixers and that bitch has yet to fail me. That thing rocks.

Next make your cupcakes as directed on the package. I baked 12 at a time at exactly 18 minutes and they were perfect. Don’t attempt to fill these boogers with cream until the cupcakes are cooled down. Won’t work. Shit will be melty.

Once the cakes are cooled you’re gonna need to set up your “cream injector”. I’m not sure what else to call it, I know it sounds reeeeeeal bad. You’ll need a Ziploc bag and a coupler and decorator tip. (see picture below). Do you have one of those? If not, keep your panties on, just snip off a little corner of your Ziploc bag. You’ll be fine.
To help your cream along it's little tunnel of love, take a toothpick, push it down about 3/4 of the way and sort of wiggle it around making a hole for your tip to go in (BAH!).

WARNING!!!!!! Explicit photo!!!!!!

Yes, I know this looks bad, but if you don't have a decorator tip thingy, use your finger to sort of make a bigger hole. Not too big. You don't want it stretched out. Damn this is all sounding so bad and I'm totally not meaning to. But let's carry on...

Once you have your hole, punch down your tip and as you squeeze the cream in, pull out slowly so that it'll push those little cake particles around and fill with cream. Sweet Mary Mother of God that is extremely dirty. Sorry 'bout that. Actually, I'm not really sorry. It's funny as hell.
Now, you'll have a little bit of pudding left on top of each cupcake when you're done. No problem, take your finger and slurp that shit up. I don't recommend that procedure if you're sharing these cupcakes so use a paper towel to take off the excess and make the top smooth.

It's time to make the frosting! Or ganache if you're fancy and from Europe or something. I'm not, I grew up in a trailer and you don't even want to know how "us folks" would pronounce something like "ganache". Nor would you want to know what we would think it was. Shout out to my redneck family - holla!!!! But I digress...

Heat up your cream in a sauce pan until you start to see it bubbling. Don't boil it. Just heat it up until it coats the back of a spoon. Once it's hot, pour it over your chocolate chips that are in a bowl and whisk it until it's all combined. You'll have the urge to stick your face and there and lick it all out. But I don't recommend that...just yet. You'll have some leftover, so control yourself until the end.

You can pour the chocolate on top - but honestly, that makes one fucking mess. Just dip the top of your cupcake in the chocolate and then set it aside. Again, you'll have extra, so once you're done, lick away my friend...lick away.

Btw, that leftover chocolate will become thicker after you put it in the fridge, so dip immediately after melting and save the leftover to dip your strawberries in the next day. And I'll wait for to call me after you make these and say thank you. I can wait.

Cheers!

Lazy Ass Chili (this is the shit I put in my Frito Pie)

Don’t get me wrong…kudos to those of you who soak nine different kinds of beans, make your seasoning from scratch and stew your own tomatoes. I’m sure there’s a special spot in heaven for you but I ain’t got time for that shit. I’ve got my first graders’ impossible homework (yes, it really stumps me), I’ve got to shuffle the laundry around in the garage so it looks like I’ve been slaving over it all day and I have a facebook status to keep up with. I ain’t got time for no soaking of beans. So, forgive me for being lazy, but this shit is the bombdiggity. Scouts honor.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 onion

1 green pepper (Use the whole thing baby!)

1 pound of ground beef

1 can of light red kidney beans

1 can of mild chili beans

1 can of butter beans

1 can of diced tomatoes

1 package of chili seasoning

Shit you’re gonna do:

Sweat your onions and green peppers for a few minutes in a stock pot. Add your ground beef. Brown that shit up. Rinse your meat in a strainer to get that extra fatty shit off of it.
Dump your meat/onion/pepper mix back in the pot. Open your kidney beans and butter beans and rinse them off and them dump them in the pot. Open the chili beans and dump those fuckers in too (don’t rinse them). Add your diced tomatoes, your chili seasoning and stir that bitch. Put it on low heat for a while until it’s all melted together and in love 20-30 minutes.

Now, you can also do what I do. I prep this shit about 4 hours ahead of time and then throw it all in the crock pot and let it simmer on low for about 4 hours. Makes me feel good about myself. That and by the time we get home from my son’s football practice it’s easy as hell to stuff everyone’s pie hole.

Part 2. Oh yeah bitches…there’s more.

For Frito Pie, you’re gonna need…

Fritos (duh)

Your lazy ass chili

Shredded cheese

Sour cream

That is exactly how you’ll put it in your bowl to make this lazy ass, rainy night meal.

Again, layer in your bowl, fritos, chili, cheese and then sour cream. Ta Da! Now let’s have a cocktail.

I ain’t shittin’ you…this is bad ass sauce.

Alright, so I thought I made a good marinara sauce. I cooked it about every two weeks and I’d always keep some in the freezer. I thought I was the shit when it came to busketti sauce. So, I asked you fine folks on facebook what you did that made your sauce bad ass. Holy shit you guys came through. I wish I could give each and every one of you a good slap on the ass (cuz that’s how we say “thank you” round these parts). I added a little of your love in my sauce and it’s now THE best sauce I’ve ever made. How else can I say thank you? Oh. Post the recipe. Yeah. That would do it.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 onion, chopped (Honestly, I think the onion was about 4 days too old. But it still smelled like an onion. Oh well. Shit tasted good.)

Half of a green pepper, chopped (I used a large one because at $0.99 each why the hell would I buy a small one? So, I’ll just used the other half in the hubs’ breakfast the next couple of days. You can also freeze the other half as well.)

A smidge of olive oil (I assume that a smidge is about 2 tablespoons)

1 pound of ground beef (If you’re all granola, you can use ground turkey. I’m sure your ass and your arteries will thank you. Mine? Not so much. I’m a red meat kind of gal. And yes, you can read into that alllllll you want.)

2 tablespoons of brown sugar (Here’s one of the magical mother fucking ingredients that I used. I’m sure you’re supposed to use light brown sugar, but all I had was dark brown. Why didn’t I have light you ask? Well, because I spent 4 very rough days and two boxes of light brown sugar attempting to make homemade caramel the hard way. I ruined two pots and burned both my hands. Never doing that shit again.)

Dried oregano and basil (The measurements are up to you. I use about 2 teaspoons each. Excessive, I know, but so is Justin Beiber and I still have to deal with her shit.)

1 jar of marinara sauce (No. I didn’t use some fancy Paul Newman shit like my friend Evelyn; I used Target generic brand. I’m cheap like that. Again, feel free to read into that all you want. You’re welcome.)

3 oz. of cream cheese (I don’t know what the hell I would do without those measurement lines on a package of cream cheese. I’m a shithead when it comes to math.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Heat up your olive oil in a large ass skillet. Add your onions and green pepper and make those fuckers sweat for about 2 or 3 minutes. Then add your ground beef. Brown that shit up and pour yourself your first glass of wine. White…red…I don’t care. It’ll help you deal with the monsters…I mean munchkins who are running in and out of your kitchen begging for fucking fruit snacks. Btw, fruit snacks are born from the devil. Thought you should know.

Once the meant is browned, add your brown sugar and once it’s dissolved, add your jar of marinara. Uh, might want to turn down the heat a little, cuz I know you’re not wearing an apron that’ll keep that red shit from splattering on your clothes. Not that mine matter. I’m a stay at home mom, which pretty much means I wear workout clothes all day to make it look like I’m a fucking fitness guru. I’m not. I just don’t want to deal with looking like I’m freaking human when I know I’m gonna get mac and cheese imbedded on my shit 45 minutes after I put it on. So, there. Now after you pour in your jarred shit, add your basil and oregano, give that bitch a stir and then put in your cream cheese. Stir this mother fucker until it’s all melted and voila…there’s your bad ass marinara. You can give me a high five if you see me out. I’m sure I’ll be wearing an Ohio State t-shirt with workout shorts.

Sawlz-ber-ee Steyk

The hubs challenged me to what he calls “The Hungry Man” challenge. He likes those disgusting, preservative filled pieces of shit on a plastic microwavable plate called Hungry Man that you find in your local grocer’s freezer. Shit’s fucking gross. BUT, he said he misses them and he wants Salisbury Steak. Insert dinner challenge here.

The hubs is known for challenging me on certain meals that make his mouth water. He challenged me with Chicken Parmesan and I worked that bitch. He challenged me to Enchiladas and I tore that shit up. And tonight, Salisbury Steak…and I fucking delivered. Bring it mother fucker. Ain't no need to poke holes in no fucking cellophane here!

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 onion (I used a small one, because I was only giving onions to the hubs. If you’re feeding more onions to more people, use a large onion and also serve after dinner breath mints. But that’s just a suggestion.)

1 (10 oz.) can of condensed French onion soup

1 pound of ground beef (If you’re fucking daddy warbucks, feel free to buy ground sirloin. I found it unnecessary as I was loading this shit with flavor, so I didn’t bother. I just used Ground round…whatever the fuck THAT is.)

½ cup of breadcrumbs (I used flavored ones. Use what you have. Don’t get your panties in a wad about it.)

1 egg

¼ teaspoon of salt (Just regular table salt)

1/8 teaspoon of ground pepper (Honestly, I didn’t measure the salt or pepper. I just eye balled the shit because I was one Vodka down and about to pop open my second.)

1 tablespoon of flour (this is to thicken the sauce up)

¼ cup of ketchup

¼ cup of water

1 tablespoon of Worcesteshire (Without watching Shrek the Third, I would have no idea how to pronounce that. So, thank you Mike Meyers.)

½ teaspoon of dry mustard

Shit you’re gonna do:

Okay, so you don’t HAVE to sauté the onion if you don’t want to. I was just trying to up my game to the hubs. And he loves onions. So, if you’re gonna add the onion, just sauté it up in a little bit of olive oil and make ‘em sweat. I also added a little dash of sugar at the end just to let ‘em carmelize. And because I’m sweet like that. Be jealous.

And while the onions were cooking, I mixed up my meat concoction. (meat…cock…BAH! How in the world does my husband deal with me, eh?) Mix together 1/3 of the can of soup, your meat, the bread crumbs and the salt and pepper. The onions should be done by now, so take those out and slap your husbands hand as he reaches in for a taste. And then wait for him to slap your ass…or wait…maybe that’s just me. Make six patties out of your meat and brown those on both sides. While those little meat patties are cooking, mix your sauce. Stir the rest of the soup, the flour, ketchup, water, the Worcestershire and dry mustard in a separate bowl. Then if your meat is all greasy and shit, drain it out. You don’t want your sauce greasy. It’s bad enough when you cook with bacon grease. Or wait…again…that’s just me. Once it’s drained, pour your sauce over the patties, cover, put it on a heavy simmer and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Mine took 15, just so you know.

I sided this bad ass mother effer with homemade mashed potatoes and carrots. I chose carrots because the hubs said he saw someone the other day eating a carrot and he wanted one. So, that’s why I chose those disgusting little fuckers. I hate carrots. Unless they’re in a cake. Word to your mutha.

Insert Creative Name for Chocolate Chip Cookies here...

Please, please please oh please do me a favor…make homemade chocolate chip cookies. I completely understand how easy the break and bakes are. I get it. Really I do. And I’m telling you to do this not because of how much cheaper it is. And not because it tastes better. I’m telling you to do this because you will get so much more dough and cookies out of making them from scratch than you ever will buying the premade shit. That’s more cookies for me to hide in the bathroom with my bottle of red wine. Cookies and wine in the bathroom. Don’t judge. You’re just jealous that YOU didn’t think of it first.

This recipe is straight off the bag of generic semi-sweet chocolate chips that I got from Target. Fucking love Target. Mine has a Starbucks and an escalator in it. It’s like Jesus built it himself. Amen.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 sticks of softened butter (We know the rule by now…if you don’t have time to soften that shit, we will not judge you because you’re a slacker. Stick the shit in the microwave. But don’t let it melt. You need the solid fat to make this shit good.)

¾ cup of sugar

¾ cup of packed light brown sugar (Alright, I didn’t have light brown sugar. I had dark brown sugar. Didn’t make a damn of a difference. Blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice…right? Right.)

2 tsp. of vanilla (Why does vanilla taste like shit raw, but you add it to a recipe and bake and it’s fucking amazing? I love Chemistry. Even though I failed Chemistry in high school. And because I failed they sent me to Drama class for the second semester…shocker.)

2 large eggs (I’ve never ever seen a recipe that calls for medium or small eggs. You?)

2 1/3 cups of flour

1 tsp. of baking soda

1 tsp. of salt

1 pkg. (12 oz.) of semi-sweet chocolate chips (Okay, I only had half a bag left, so that’s what I used. I made ganache with the other half about two weeks ago, but that’s a story for a different day. But nobody complained “Hey! There’s not enough chocolate chips in these!” because if they did, that would be the last time they EVER got a homemade chocolate chip cookie…I’m just sayin’.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 375. I covered a baking sheet with aluminum foil and sprayed it with a little Kitchen KY. I didn’t use parchment paper, I didn’t use a silpat and I didn’t use a pampered chef bar pan. Still worked. Still tasted awesome.

Beat together your butter, both your sugars and your vanilla until it looks creamy. ("beat until creamy" awwww, dats naaaasty) And no, I don’t know how to explain it. I just beat it until it was yellowish brownish. (Holy crap that sounds dirty…and I like it!) Good description? No? Oh well…now add in your eggs until it’s all combined. The recipe said “light and fluffy”. I still don’t know what the hell that means. When I think light and fluffy, I think of my midsection after having a baby. Or maybe that’s bread dough. Nevermind.

Mix in your flour, baking soda and salt. If you’re using a hand mixer or a stand mixer, do yourself a favor and start it on a low speed. You put flour in a mixer and start that shit on high…you’re gonna use words like “holy shit” and “fuck that”. Trust me. But once it’s mixed, stir in by hand your chocolate chips. Now, if you’re miss fancy pants or mister Alton Brown-like, go ahead and stir in some toffee chips or toasted walnuts or some crazy bullshit like that. But I’m keeping my dough simple.

Drop about a 2 teaspoon dollop of dough on your baking sheet about 2 inches apart. These bitches are gonna spread out while they bake. You don’t want them cooking together. You’ll look like a dumbass if they do.

Bake them for about 7-8 minutes. Yes, I said 7-8. Why? Because I like to under cook mine. Why? Because the sugar in those little fuckers are gonna continue to cook after you pull them out of the oven. And I fucking hate crispy chocolate chip cookies. If they start to get brown on the edges, you’re fucked. Don’t. Overcook. Now, enjoy and stuff your pie hole people.

Quiche...but not really.

Okay, so this one is gonna be clean. Why? Because I had to submit this recipe to the PTA for a Recipe for Success cookbook for the teachers. Booooooring. I know. But it’s for the teachers. I’ll suck it up this once. (I could totally put a tasteless joke right here. But I won’t. But I think I just did.)

Quiche…sort of.

There’s no dramatic crust to make or anything like that. I mean, you’re cheating because you’re using Bisquick, but I don’t judge, so you’ll be fine.

Stuff you’ll need:

(I hope you have this hanging around the house, because I hate when I have to go to the store for one specific thing just to make one recipe. Also, if it has 14 ingredients…I ain’t makin’ it. Please don’t correct me on “ain’t” being a word. It is…so let’s move on.

2 cups of milk (the real stuff…no fake blue skim milk here people)

4 eggs

¾ cup of Bisquick

¼ cup of butter (that’s half a stick in case you’re an English teacher and not a Trig expert. Also, you’ll want it softened. If you didn’t lay it out, just stick it in the microwave to soften it up a bit. Again, I’m not judging.)

1 cup grated Parmesan cheese (Don’t buy the block of expensive stuff Rachel Ray uses. Just use the shakeable nonsense that comes out of plastic jar that’s in your fridge. You’re using bisquick here people, we’re not talking fancy)

1 small frozen package of chopped frozen spinach (Heat it up, and drain all the water from it. It helps if you squeeze it dry in a towel)

1 cup of cubed cooked ham (Honestly, I’ve used deli meat before. It’s not like I bake a ham and then save some to chop up for this. If I’m baking a ham, I’m gonna eat it. Nuff said)

8 ounces of shredded cheddar cheese (First, I use sharp cheddar; mild is for wimps. Second, I’ll be honest with you…I use double the amount. Because I love cheese even though my thighs don’t appreciate it.)

The Drama from Yo Mamma:

Preheat your oven to 375. Spray a mini muffin pan with non-stick spray. Yes, you can use the big muffin pan, it’s just gonna take longer to cook. Just giving you options here.

Beat together your eggs, bisquick, butter and parmesan cheese. Now, the batter is gonna be lumpy; so don’t beat the heck out of it. That batter needs it’s lumps like I need another lump on my tush, but in this case, those little lumps of lushisness are gonna bake out. Just mix it until it’s moistened. Then stir in your spinach, ham and cheddar cheese (you’re using sharp cheddar, right?)

Then you’re gonna bake this until the eggs are set and they’re sort of brownish. Probably about 8-10 minutes. May take longer…may take less. You’ll see…enjoy.