Gooey “Butt”er Cookies. Because that’s where they’re going. Straight to your butt.

I’ve had this recipe for about a hundred years. I have no idea where it came from; no clue who invented it, but it’s fucking delicious. I’ve used it for bake sales, to impress a group of moms, or even when my fat ass is on the couch and I’ve got a hankerin’ to shove something sweet into my face.

This recipe makes a batch of about 30 cookies. And I know you’re all like, “No shit! That’s a lot of fucking cookies!” No it’s not. Not when it comes to these little bastards of goodness. Once you fill your ass with the first 30, you’ll make nine more batches. Scouts honor.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of yellow cake mix (no, you can’t use some dumbass homemade yellow cake recipe your neighbor’s second cousin gave you. You need the fake shit.)

8 oz. of softened cream cheese (don’t lose an ovary; I know you didn’t put any out to soften. So, go ahead and heat it in the microwave for about 10-15 seconds at a time until it’s soft. Then take your index finger, poke the fattest part of your thigh and that’s how soft the cream cheese should be.)

1 stick of softened butter (same rules apply for the cream cheese)

1 egg

¼ teaspoon of vanilla (for the 137^th time, use the real shit here people. Spend the money on good vanilla.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Let’s pick a pan…you can use a cookie sheet with parchment paper, a Pampered Chef piece of stoneware, or even a Silpat. But guess what bitches? I was lazy. I took some old ass cookie sheet I have, covered that shit in aluminum foil, sprayed it with good ‘ol Kitchen KY, aka non-stick spray and shoved it in the oven. Didn’t make a damn of a difference.

Now that you’ve got your pan of choice, throw all this shit together and mix it up. Use a hand mixer, a stand mixer, your husband…whatever. But once it’s combined, you’re gonna do something that’s going to be hard. Very hard. (heehee). You’re gonna put this bowl of mix into the fridge for no less that two hours. WTF? I know, I know, trust me. I know this is hard. Just as hard as it is for me to turn the radio station when an Elton John song comes on. But you’re gonna have to believe me here.

After you’ve stood by the refrigerator door for two hours “shooing” your kids away, preheat your oven to 350, pull out the bowl and roll into little one inch balls (insert immature giggle here) and place them about an inch apart on your pan of choice. You can also roll these in powdered sugar before baking, but I never have the gusto to pull that shit out of the pantry. But go ahead and bake these for about 12 minutes.

Now, when you pull these out of the oven, you’re gonna think they’re not done. They’re not. But the sugar in those little bitches are gonna continue to cook. So be patient young Annakin. Once they’ve cooled for about 3-4 minutes, transfer them to a cooling rack (yes, I actually have one of those. Or four.) and move on to baking your next batch.

You’ll eat the first batch before the second one is done. Guaranteed. I’ll wait for marriage proposals. Thanks.

Cheers!

Breakfast Burritos (version 1.0)

Now, let me get something straight. I really do like getting up, making breakfast for everyone, making coffee, making lunches and getting everyone’s happy ass out the door. Because after the door closes, I plop my happy ass on the couch and sip a very strong cup of coffee. I like my coffee like I like my NBA players. Tall, black and strong. But I like my eggs soft, fluffy and hot. Just like Kevin James. (I’ve gotta a little “thing” for him). But I digress. Let’s make some mother fucking breakfast, shall we?

Shit you’re gonna need:

Tbsp of butta

2 eggs

1 tbsp of whipping cream (if you’re stuffing more than just your very own pie hole and you want to make more eggs, do the freakin’ math on the cream. 1 tbsp of cream with 2 eggs and so forth. It’s rocket science math you’re dealing with but I trust you can do it)

¼ cup of diced onion

¼ cup of diced green pepper (holy macaroni these fuckers are expensive. Who’s with me?)

Salt (again, I use Sea Salt. Why? Cuz Martha does.)

Pepper

2 tortilla wraps

Sliced cheese

Shit you’re gonna do:

Heat up a small saucepan and melt your butter. (That sentence should actually be the intro to every freakin’ recipe I write.) While that’s melting, beat together your eggs and whipping cream. (I giggle that the word “beat” and “cream” are in the same sentence. Why yes, I AM that kind of girl). Let’s carry on…so into the melted butta, add your onion and green pepper and get those puppies cookin’. I cook ‘em for about a minute or two so they soak up the very healthy and very good for you butter in the pan. Add your eggs, salt and pepper. Now, let me stress that eggs are not made to be fast. Take your time. They like to be heated up slowly, and not touched a whole lot. Kinda like the first time you…nevermind. But just pull the eggs from the side of the pan into the middle. You don’t need to do much ‘cause the cream is doing all the work. (omg, I cracked myself up with that one). You’ll know when they’re done. You like ‘em runny, do it. You like ‘em dry, do it. (Seriously, this egg recipe is cracking my ass UP!) But can I make one suggestion here? Tabasco sauce. It’ll change your life people. I’m not sayin’ douse ‘em in this shit. I’m just sayin’ it adds that little something extra. Kinda like when you end up on a flight where you’re pissed because you know you have a middle seat but come to find out to your right is a hot gymnast and to your left is an army man dressed in uniform smelling good. Now I’m not saying that’s actually happened. I’m just sayin it would be nice. Just like a hint of Tabasco. Just a suggestion.

But what I do in the morning for the hubs is I heat up one of those really good for you sausage patties from the freezer, dice it and put in a wrap with cheese and the eggs. I roll ‘em doobie tight in aluminum foil and place those fuckers right next to his coffee, his keys, his wallet (after I take $20) and his phone. I do this all because I probably went over my grocery budget because white wine was on sale and I just HAD to buy more manchego. I’ll serve him the breakfast above and I’ll show him dessert when he gets home. No complaints my friends. Guaranteed.

Enjoy!

French Toast. I like the French. Especially the way they kiss.

The French toast I grew up with was soggy in the middle. Fucking gross. But this shit is perfect. I give props to two people for this…Food Network magazine and the hubs, cuz he bought me the subscription.

This is the kind of breakfast you make someone when you want something. I want a new dress that I saw at Betsey Johnson. No, I’m not spoiled – I’m smart. I’m also not conceded. I’m convinced.

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 eggs

¼ cup of whipping cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla (use the real shit here people. No joke)

½ teaspoon of nutmeg (there’s that damn nutmeg again, being all versatile, just like edible underwear)

½ teaspoon of sugar

Pinch of salt (I use sea salt. I use it because Martha uses it. That’s my only reason)

Loaf of bakery bread (you can use challah, which I think is pronounced “holla!”, or even French bread, but here I used sourdough because it was on sale and you all know what a cheap ass I am)

Butter (the cottage cheese on my ass just tingled when I wrote that)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. That’s right – not only are we gonna fry this shit in butter, we’re gonna bake the hell out of it. So, melt a tablespoon of butter in your pan and let’s get to slicing up that bread. Now, I didn’t go to the School of How to Chop Shit. Nor did I attend the Vo-tech University of Slicing and Dicing. So, if you want to slice your bread all at an angle and shit…go for it. I can’t do it. Because I’m obviously a ruh-tard when it comes to using a fucking knife. But cut up enough that your family is gonna eat. In the meantime, let’s mix our dipping shit.

Whisk together your eggs, whipping cream, vanilla, nutmeg, sugar and salt in a bowl. I could’ve just said “Whisk the first six ingredients.” But I didn’t. I didn’t want you to have to look back up there and count that shit. But if you want to look back up there and count, go for it. I’ll wait.

See? Told ya. But once that’s all mixed and your bread is cut up, your butter should be melted. So, dip the bread in the sloppy shit and then plop it in the pan. Don’t overcrowd it because you’ll be pissed when you don’t have enough room to dig your spatula in and flip this shit. When one side is brown (you can peak a little), flip it and wait for the other side to brown. When it’s done, take the pieces out and lay them on a baking sheet. You’ll probably need to add another tablespoon of butter to fry the next batch, so go for it…cuz butter is good for you; don’t believe the haters. Once your batches are done, bake these bad boys for about 10 minutes. They’s gonna be all crispy and brown and full of goodness. Now pour on some Aunt Jemima and stick this in your pie hole.

Bacon grease; a tale of a good beating

In honor of this past Mother's Day weekend, I thought I'd share this with you. My mom was born and raised in Georgia. Bacon grease should be on her family plaque. So, when I was about eight years old or so, I thought "hey, wouldn't it be nice if I cleaned the kitchen for mom?". Nobody answered me because I was raised an only child. But being a latch key kid, I had to amuse myself until the queen, er, I mean, mom came home. Gotta give the woman credit; she worked a really stressful job and came home to my lonely ass who talked her ear off as if I'd been in solitary confinement for three months. Tidbit about my mom...she's NOT a talker and she doesn't understand why in the world people talk when they don't need to. We butt heads...a lot. But she's got some really good dirty jokes and for that, I'm thankful.

So, on to me cleaning the kitchen...I cleaned everything...even her silver metal jar thingy of bacon grease. I'm sure it had about three months worth of fat in that damn thing. It goes to say that not only did I learn about the precious fatty gold that Southern Women so patiently reserve for delicious meals for their families (odd because it's the worst shit ever to put in your body besides fucking hot dogs), but I learned that my mother has a lot of restraint. I'm sure she wanted to beat the living shit out of me and it wouldn't be the first time. But she didn't. And that's why I'm able to write you this story today that means absolutely nothing. Just know that you should never, ever throw away saved bacon grease. Ever. I love you mom.

Hershey needs to pay me for this shit

After stuffing my big ass mouth with half a bag of Hershey’s Bliss Chocolate, I realized that my chocolate craving was not only unsatisfied, but my ass and thighs were yet to be filled. Walgreens has a 2/$6 deal going on for these little suckers but I’m way too fucking lazy tonight to go get more. I’m also babysitting my friend Ariel’s kids tonight and I’m soooo not dragging four boys to Walgreens. Especially not to the candy aisle. Do ya’ feel me here? So, I used what I had.

Bitchin’ Bliss Brownies

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of brownie mix (don’t judge me for using a premade mix. I need to get this shit into my pie hole in 8.3 seconds and this is the fastest way to do it. I also need to make this shit quick because the hubs was in the shower and I didn’t want anyone else fucking with the batter in the bowl. That shit is MINE.)

You’ll also need the shit that it tells you on the box (mine said oil, water and eggs)

16 Bliss candies (16 is all I had. Yes, that’s all I had left after eating two entire bags myself. I’m a fucking loser. Thank you.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Please remember to do this. I forgot. So, after I was ready to put the shit in, my oven was as cold as a witch’s tit. I was pissed because that meant that I had to wait an extra 10 minutes for this shit to get into my face.

Now, make your mix according to your box directions. Mine is for the 9x13 size, so I used my Kitchen KY (non-stick spray) on my pan and poured the mixed batter in. Btw, most premade brownie mixes will tell you to stir for about 50 strokes. Believe them when they tell you this. It has something to do with the gluten being all shredded and shit. I don’t fucking know. Call Alton. So, after it’s poured in your pan, you’ll get a calculator out and perform an equation close to the theory of relativity to get the exact proportions of where to put the fucking chocolates. Fuuuuuuuck that. Eye ball this shit. I’m just a perfect person, so mine is exactly even. But DO NOT, I repeat, do not press down the chocolate. Just lay them gently on top. There’s baking powder in this shit so it’s gonna rise around the chocolate during baking.

After the chocolates are on, throw this bad boy in the oven and bake according to the box’s directions. And then my loves, you will have one hell of a chocolate masterpiece on your hands. Your mouth will be happy. The planets will align. And nobody will get hurt because you don’t have anymore chocolate. I’ll now wait for Oprah to call and say “thank you”. Because I’m sure she’s reading this.

A big ass pizza roll.

Fyi…I’ve had a shitty day. But I still managed to pound out some good shit for dinner. And since I still can’t hone my inner Sophia Petrillo and figure out if the shit I made was a fucking calzone or Stromboli, imma have to name this shit myself. So…it’s Castro. Calzone + Stromboli = Castro (for you fucking math wizards). But honestly – this is like a big ass Jeno’s pizza roll. And I swear I could eat my fucking body weight in Jeno’s pizza rolls. God bless that man.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 doobie roll of sausage (that Jimmy Dean shit is what I’m talkin’ ‘bout)

Some dried basil and oregano (shit looks like pot. You know you agree with me)

Can of pizza dough (yes, you can make your own or buy the stuff from your bakery, but I have no idea how many fucking ounces you’ll need of this shit, so just buy the can)

Pepperoni (ummmmm, I used about 25 maybe? Just buy a pack and stuff some in your pie hole while you’re cooking. That’ll make about 42 you’ll need)

Marinara sauce (you won’t use a whole jar unless you’re a dipping whore like me. I dip my shit in everything. Chicken gets honey mustard, hot dogs get ketchup and pancakes get syrup)

Shredded Mozzarella Cheese (‘bout 1 ½ cups. But really, you’ll want to use a full two cups, which again is conveniently the same amount in those pre-shredded bags. Holy shit…I’m amazing)

One egg, beaten (it’s to make the egg wash)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 425. Brown up your sausage. When it’s almost done cooking, go ahead and season that shit with some dried basil and oregano. (Fucking love oregano. I think I’m almost Italian. Except that I have red hair, I’ve never had a tan and I say Ann-tan-a, instead of en-ten-na for the fucking rabbit ears on my aunts tv, but whatever).

Now you’ll want to drain the meat so that you’re only clogging one artery and adding cottage cheese to only one of your thighs this evening. Next, cover a baking sheet with aluminum foil and spray it down with Kitchen KY, aka non-stick spray. Pop open your can of dough (yes, I still freak the fuck out when opening those cans. Still scares the shit out of me) and lay it out on the baking sheet. Use your grubby ass hands to spread it out a little. Not too thin – don’t make holes in the shit. You’re not giving a Russian woman a massage; you’re just making a big ass pizza roll.

Then, lay your sausage, then your pepperoni, your sauce (not too much, ‘bout a cup will do) and then your cheese in the middle of the dough. Fold over the dough, pinch the edges so none of this goodness comes out and wash that dough with a beaten egg. Egg wash they call it. Then throw that shit in the oven for 15 minutes and BAM, your big ass pizza roll is complete. Serve with a salad or broccoli. You don’t really have to serve it with that – I’m just using that as a disclaimer that I think you should actually eat something healthy at dinner. Amen.

Enchiladas...redneck style

I haven’t one lick of Mexican in me. But I make bad ass enchiladas. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there’s a Mexican woman out there who will argue my point. But only if someone interprets this blog to her.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground beef (yup. There’s that pesky red meat again. I’m taking chances, but you can use ground turkey. I won’t tell anyone you don’t have balls.)

1 small onion, chopped

Half a green pepper chopped (I use the other half for the hubs eggs in the morning and that’s a post for a different day. My hubs is spoiled and he knows it.

(Also on this particular day, I added 1 cup of frozen corn. I did it that day because I felt like adding a vegetable only to find out that corn is a starch. Son of a...)

10 pack of tortillas (I use the burrito size. It holds more. Apparently so does my ass.)

Whipped cream cheese (yup. Cream cheese. Trust me.)

1 can of refried beans (go for the fat free if you want, but seriously? Who are you kidding if you’re making fucking enchiladas?)

1 can of red enchilada sauce

2 cups of Mexican blend shredded cheese (it has like, some taco seasoning or some shit in it. It makes a difference)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375. Sauté your onion and green pepper for about 2 minutes. And can I just say that I have no idea what the hell they mean by translucent. Doesn’t translucent mean “see through”? I’ve never been able to cook an onion and see though it. Whoever the dumbass is that came up with that term is probably the same one who said that childbirth is “uncomfortable”. I’ll get off my soapbox now.

So, after you’ve messed with your veggies, add your beef and cook until it’s done. Add ‘bout half a can of your enchilada sauce and a handful of your cheese (this is where you would add your corn if you're using it). Stir that shit around. And yes, you can eat a spoonful if you’d like. Now, take it off the burner and let’s assemble these little fuckers of goodness.

Spray a 9x13 pan with your non-stick spray. Warm up your torts in the microwave. I’m guessing that the reason you do this is so that they’re easier to wrap. I asked someone who worked at Taco Bell once. They had no fucking clue what I was talking about. But I think if you try to roll them while they’re room temp, they’ll crack. Someone correct me if I’m wrong. But I’m not wrong.

Lay out a tort, spread a little of your whipped cream cheese all over it. Now, smear a little of the refried beans on it. Add a heaping spoonful of the meat mixture and fold that shit like you’re the district manager of your local Taco fucking Bell. Repeat until your torts are gone and your pan is full. Then pour the rest of the enchilada sauce allllllll over and sprinkle the rest of the bad ass cheese all over. Bake this shit at 375 until it’s all bubbly and melty. Again, I’m not Mexican but I’m sure you can talk your way into buying a new dress that you saw at Anthropolgie with this meal. Worked for me! (Note to the hubs: Ummm, might not wanna use your Discover card for awhile. Just a suggestion)

OH! And serve with sour cream.