What a crock - recipes for busy bitches

Who the hell has time these days? None of us, amiright? We’re all working like busy bees (home or in the office), driving around, running errands, and picking up children to deposit them at various locations for all of their 347 activities.  We try to look presentable, making 127 cupcakes the night before an event at our kids’ schools; making sure to shower, helping with homework,  bathtime, storytime, bedtime, and sneak a little midnight delight with our significant other before waking early the next morning early enough to clean the kitchen, get a load of laundry going, sew that button back on someone’s coat, take the dog out, feed the cat, and advocate for world peace. Shit, it’s exhausting just being alive.

So when faced with such a jam-packed day, when 6:30pm rolls around and those kids that demand you feed them every day want something awesome that momma made – hell, sometimes you just have to stick some nuggets and fries in the oven and call it a damn day.

I’m here to help today, my friends. I’m not quite as good as D1 when it comes to meal planning (that bitch does it for like a month at a time and has an inventory of all the food in her house and how to make a meal for 6 out of what she’s got). I do my meal planning and prep each Sunday.

There are some weeks where I just know that I won’t be able to start something fresh every night when I get home at 6:30. So instead, I make up 5 large bags of recipes to throw in the ole crock pot every morning before I leave for work. Supermom to the rescue!

For all of you working and busy moms and dads out there, hope this helps. Ps – if you have 7 kids, you may want to double all these recipes. Recipes listed here are for a fam of 4, with a potential for some leftovers.

Meals for 5 days – all in the crock pot

             Easy Peesy non-Japaneesy Beef Stew

      Creamy and Steamy Ranch Chicken

      Pulled Pork Root Beer Sandwiches

      Salsa and Merengue Chicken

      Let’s have a Fiesta Chicken Soup

Here are the basic global instructions for each recipe listed below. Buy some gallon-size ziplock bags and for each meal listed here – throw all that shit in one of the aforementioned ziplock bags. In the morning, pick one out of the fridge, empty it into your crock pot and set it on low for 8-10 hours. Vi-ola… that’s it.

Easy Peesy non-Japaneesy Beef Stew

Shit you’re gonna need:

·         A bag of baby carrots
·         2 lbs of beef stew meat (I get mine at Costco b/c it’s awesome and cheaper)
·         Some salt (a few shakes will do)
·         Garlic powder (few shakes of this too)
·         6 potatoes, peeled and cut in cubes – or how ever big you like your potatoes, your call.
·         Can of diced tomatoes
·         Can of peas
·         Can of corn
·         2 packages of dry onion soup mix
·         Like a cup or 2 of beef broth, eyeball that ish.

 Stick all this shit in a bag. Stick all the shit in the crock pot in the morning. Eat shit when you get home.

Creamy and Steamy Ranch Chicken

Shit you’re gonna need:

·         3-4 chicken breasts (fat and slime cut off)
·         A block of cream cheese
·         1 envelope of dry ranch dressing
·         1 can of chicken broth
·         Garlic powder, paprika, parsley flakes, and oregano (a few shakes of each will do)

Stick all this shit in a bag. Stick all the shit in the crock pot in the morning. Eat shit when you get home over some mashed potatoes or rice (I had mine over instant mashed potatoes).

Pulled Pork and Root Beer Sandwiches

Now, I won’t lie and pretend this is an original recipe that I just dreamed of, I actually posted this recipe a few years ago here: Slow Cooker Pulled Pork and Root Beer Sandwiches. You can go and read my HIGH-larious post, or just follow the instructions below. It’s one of my absolute faves, so it had to be included here.

Shit you’re gonna need:

·         2-4 lbs of pork butt (labeled shoulder)
·         1 can of root beer (stay with me here)
·         ½- ¾ of a bottle of Sweet baby Ray’s BBQ sauce
·         Lawry's Seasoning Salt or Montreal Steak Seasoning 

This one takes a little more effort than just throwing it in a bag on Sunday and throwing it in the crock pot on Wednesday – but it’s not hard. I actually suggest not putting this one in a bag, and allowing yourself an extra 6 minutes one morning to put this directly in the crock pot.

Make sure you don’t cut any fat off of the pork butt and poke some holes it in so that it sucks up all the awesomeness while cooking. Sprinkle both sides of the pork with your seasoning of choice. Stick that puppy in the crock pot and pour the root beer over it. Let it cook allllllllll day while you’re gone. When you get home after beating traffic and running little Johnny to tee-ball practice, pull the pork out and shred it up on a plate. Don’t touch those leftover juices just yet. Place the shredded pork back into the crock pot with those juices and cook on high for another 30 minutes. Drain said juices out, put the pork BACK in and then smother in Sweet Baby Rays sauce – mix it up. Open up a roll and stick that pork in the middle. The time I made this, I had it with a side of baked beans. Good shit, my friends. Good shit.

Salsa and Merengue Chicken

This is probably my favorite crock pot recipe because it is so fucking easy. I make this a few times a month and use the chicken mixture in many different ways. Sometimes over rice. Sometimes in a taco shell with lettuce and sour cream. Sometimes rolled up in a large tortilla and pressed in my Panini for a few minutes. Sometimes directly into a bowl and then directly into my piehole. Go crazy kids, this shit is versatile.

Shit you’re gonna need: 

·         4 chicken breasts
·         1 jar of salsa
·         1 package of dry ranch dressing
·         1 can of corn, drained
·         1 can of black beans, drained
·         Cumin, garlic powder, salt, pepper (a few shakes of each will do)
   o   OR: you can throw a packet of taco seasoning instead.
·         ½ a cup of chicken broth or water

Stick all this shit in a bag. Stick all the shit in the crock pot in the morning. Eat shit when you get home by way of one of my suggestions above.

Let’s have a Fiesta Chicken Soup

It’s wintertime where I live, so this fits into my climate for something to eat this time of year. If you live in Florida and you still have under-boob sweat in January… maybe making soup doesn’t sound like such a good idea. Up to you.

Shit you’re gonna need:

• 1 can of enchilada sauce
• 1 can of chopped green chiles
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
• Small bag of frozen corn
• Cumin and chili powder, salt, oregano – a few shakes of each… you guys know this by now.
• An onion, chopped however you like.
• Fresh minced garlic – like a Tbsp or so, or a clove if you actually buy them that way. I buy the little jar
• 2-3 chicken breasts
• 1 large container chicken broth – you know the one that comes with a spout?
• 2 limes, juiced
• (optional) chopped fresh cilantro, if you fancy
• Tortilla chips or strips

Stick all this shit in a bag, EXCEPT for the lime juice, the fresh cilantro, and tortilla chips/strips. Stick all the shit in the crock pot in the morning. When you get home, turn it off and add the lime juice and fresh cilantro to the pot. Serve in bowls, top with tortilla chips/strips.

So there you have it, folks. 5 meals to stick in your crock pot each day of the week to make life a little easier for you. It takes maybe an hour or so to prepare all of this on a Sunday, and the payoff is that you’re not spending each evening slaving away at your stove. Use that extra time wisely. Set all your clocks forward an hour and send those munchkins to bed early. Then make sure to serve dessert in the bedroom. Heeeeeeeeeeeeey!

Ps – if you make of these, post some pics for us! We want to see your bags lined in the fridge, or a picture of your rootbeer pork sandwiches. Dooo it!

Bandwagon Pumpkin Cupcakes

Craving something sweet?  Just pour a bowl of cereal.  Am I right?  I'm right.  BUT, I didn't have cereal.  Totally pissed.  BUT I remembered all these recipes on pinterest where people use just a box of cake mix and just a can of pumpkin, and then BLAMMO...cupcakes.  That's cool.  I'll take the bait.  And since I was a hankerin' for something sweet, I figured this was the easiest way to spike my sugar levels.

Shit you're gonna need:

A box of yellow cake mix (As you can see, I used a betty crocker gluten free cake mix but all the recipes I've seen used the regular cake mix.  Mine worked great, so you're in the clear no matter what you use.)

1 can of 15 oz. pumpkin (Not gonna lie, I have seven cans of this shit in my pantry.  Why?  No fucking clue.  I guess when I see it, I get reminded of the canned pumpkin shortage of 2007 and I freak out and start hoarding.  Need canned pumpkin?  Come see me.)

2 tablespoons of pumpkin pie spice (I'm really glad I added this extra step.  But if you have a spice cake mix, you wouldn't need to add the extra spice.)

(Printable recipe at the end)

Shit you're gonna do:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  Line a muffin tin (this recipe makes 12 cupcakes, but if you use a regular cake mix, it might make more) and spray the baking cups with a little kitchen ky.  It helps the liner not stick to the cupcake.  Even though we all want more fiber in our diet, adding cupcake liner isn't the way to go.

Sidebar:   If you use gluten free cake mix, THIS is how much comes in the package.  It's weird.  It's deceiving but for some reason, it all works out.  Kind of like hitting 3 keggers before curfew and being sober enough to make it back to your dorm before 1am.  Oh, college memories.

So, here it is.  That's it.  The mix, the pumpkin, and the spice.

Sidebar 2:  I have a stand mixer.  Don't get me wrong, I love it.  I do.  BUT, just like me, that thing has a big ass and it gets in the way.  I don't like it on my countertop which means it never gets used.  I'm cool with that.  The hand mixer is totally fine with me.  Easy to clean and it fits in a drawer.  Just like a cat I had in college.  I'm kidding.  It wasn't easy to clean.

Pour in your muffin tins and bake according to the package directions.  I had to bake mine for 10 minutes, flatten them with a spatula, and then turn the pan 180 degrees and bake for 10 minutes more.

These turned our reeeeeeeeally dense.  Not airy and fluffy.  But it's exactly what I wanted.

Regular 'ol generic cream cheese frosting.  I just put it in a ziploc bag, snipped off the tip, and swirled it around on the top of the cupcake.  And yes, I licked the spoon.  And the inside of the ziploc bag.  And the inside of the container.

Into pie hole in 5...4...3...2...(gulp!)

Here's the printable recipe...